can you feel me breathing on your skin? whisper on your neck. can you feel it rolling from your chin, right down to your breasts? can you feel my eyelashes begin to open on yoru cheeks, can you feel me staring cos im staring, my heart's about to leak. but youre asleep you dont feel a thing. i speak you dont hear a thing. intoxicated and fast asleep up on a rooftop above the street. and i wish you would come down here with me...

i have returned :)

maaaaan...i dont want to go tomorrow. only 100 miles. waaay too far for a day, and most of another....waaay too long. sigh. ill miss that silly bear lots. its gonna take so long. the days are gonna go by soo slowly. and im gonna be thinking about her all day. sigh. im a dork. oh well. ill be back monday night. maybe ill get to see her then. i sure hope so. for now. out.

hmmm something to do later on tonight....jesse's...maybe go. maybe not. cant decide yet. i need to find out what im doing. and what other people are doing.

fuck....i really should start the tons of work i need to do oevr break. oh well. i really dont want to go to richmond either. stupid grandparents that arent even reaally my grandparents. oh well.

hooray for the manipulation of html code :)

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



haha crazy online tests

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up(wake up)it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer stands forever)
cause we keep them going constantly
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)


The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fule lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anyhting
I've got another 500 nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down


I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer stands forever)
cause we keep them going constantly
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)


(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever
(your stomachs filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen
(your stomachs filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get


Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love


soco amaretto lime - Brand New

good song.....very pretty...although i cant tell if its happy or sad. the music and the way he sings it rocks though. so it makes me happy. the sad, if any therem cant touch me now. soooooo happy :)

taking back fuckign sunday....good good band..havent listened to them in a good 6 months. man today was fun. scary as shit. chilled. got presents. chilled with ida, robert, chris, and saneyda and went to the abondonded glendale mental hosptial. scary. go kissing hair. :)

i love the snuggling up and cuddling...and singing songs to you...and holding you....and your eyes. the cuteness. im soo fuckign happy...its the greatest :) :)

amelie is such a good fucking movie. go french

ok no more upset entry....no need to be....today rocked....got to see someone allll day. :) goodness

i cant let it get to me....i cant.

theres just something so incredibly wonderful abotu having that one person wrapped in your arms. its the best feelign ever. their hair in your face. soft kisses and hugs. wonderufulness.

this is from a while ago....tell me if it makes any shred of sense. and yeah that post is a bit closeminded when speaking of the religions. take no offense. that was my bitterness towards religion stage. but here it is. the "meaning of life"

the meaning of life went down the drain of my shower


ive found the meaning of life. more or less. ill start off with the most elementary.


the scientific meaning of life lies in the reproductive organs. in science’s eyes, we are here solely to pass on our genes to keep our species going. we’re just animals mating, doing our best to beat out natural selection. doing a little too well. killing off all the other species on the planet seems to be the only way we can win.


the religious meaning of life is largely determined by the religion you follow.
cristian’s meaning of life is to live as Christ would have lived, based on the scripture. they live so they may live eternally with their god. base their lives on a book. base their ideas and thoughts on that book. never formulating their own. the promise of eternal salvation gives them meaning in life.

hindus are born into a particular caste that they cannot escape from except reincarnation on a higher level. they too follow ideas thousands of years old and base their ideas on them, refusing to think outside the sanskrit.


the same is true for most of the other religions of the world. they allow themselves to be controlled by a book and refuse to live. a book dictates their lives to them keeping them from formulating their own ideas about life, however voluntary it is. most religious people only live for their salvation promised to them in ancient "holy" books. they no longer dream the dreams they want and need to, they dont think the thoughts they want or need to. they live for something they cant see and ignore their basic needs to truly live. no formulation of their own thoughts or beliefs. i have grown to loathe religion with a passion. however, i still hold it with the utmost respect.


now the meaning thats a tad more “universal” if you will. i believe the meaning of life is largely individual-specific, but i have found more to it. however ironically or paradoxically, the meaning of life is to live...to make relationships with fellow people, to learn, to think, to wonder, to dream. i also think we are just simply here. not put here by any one in particular. but while we are here there are things we must do, things we need to do to have meaning and to live. we need to dream and wonder and think. thought gives us meaning. without thought we would not even be a person. your “self” would not exist. the relationships we share with other minds aid our intellectual growth and increase our thought. dreams are our unconscious thoughts. we access our thoughts in our sleep and play them out as pictures and sounds, as if they were real experiences. without these, life would have no real meaning. you must live as you want to. you must not live as someone else directs you. if you chose religion or science, that is your choice, and that is your meaning. happy living. my brain is fried.

i dont know why i went back and read all these prebious entries. it was last march. i simply havent thought about her for the longest time. jsut ignored it. now that i look back it fucked me up. i hated her. i guess i dont hate her anymore. just waht she did. i wonder if anyone still remembers. i spose this song made me look back....jsut reminded me of how it was my anthem when it happened. and a damn good anthem it was for heartbreak haha. sad though. but not me at the moment. im greatly happy. just more or less nostalgic.

there are things that used to make me smile, one of them was you for just a little while. you left me for dead so far away. i replaced you with fear and shame youll be happy on the day i die. there are things that used to make me laugh but now theyre deeply buried in the past. i left them so far away replaced my humor with my pain ill be happy on the day it dies. remember when i said i love you , well forget it i take it back. i was just as stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said. there are things that used to make you cry one of them was me for just a little while. why is it that you had to say goodbye in your own special way, you slashed the tires of my car. . remember when i said i love you , well forget it i take it back. i was just as stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said.'

buut everything is all good. :) happiness

i like this song....

this vacation's useless
these white pills aren't kind
i've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
i've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
the days have come and gone
our lives when but so fast
i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
will i shake this off pretend its all okay
that there someone out there who feels just like me
there is

those notes you wrote me
i've kept them all
i'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
with every single letter in every single word there
will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl
do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me

do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

yesterday was an awesome day :) the first part was by far the best. then time out of line played. it was so much fun to play with those guys again. we rocked out. fun times. then chilled. and chill. i just chill these days. yup. sleep. out.

lord of the rings the two towers was a fuckin awesome movie. goddamn. :) then food was good. and chill. and fun. and today was awesome : ) yay. most happiness in a very long time

its freezing outside now/. its cloudy its loud as hell in here. our mission to kill her. incision. it will hurt. im staring. stop staring. but shes wearing my favorite shirt. go for, go for it before she sees me. but shes got that sweater on. the leaves like feathers are, falling from the trees and i dont want to kiss you anyway. shes got those eyes that ive been looking for. who is that guy seems to be guarding her. the pin tears the chandellier is going to fall on her if he takes his eyes off her. ive got the shot, i know i should but its so hard you look so good. go for, go for it. before she tells me. but shes got that sweater on. confetti feathers are, fallign on fake trees. and i dont want to kiss you anyway. shes stunning in that elegant costume. im on her tail i break a sweat. i wasnt sposed to have regrets. i pinch him, pinch her, and then run. standing under the tier that hes on. to pull the hammer with my thumb. and the masquerade is scattering. im making sure i stay behind her. shes the one with wings. im catching up. im getting close. making sure shes dead from her head down to her toes.run for, run for it. if she cries then im not giving in. what if i choke, what if dont, what if my cigarettes wont smoke. what if she says that shes in love with me? but shes got that sweater on. she stops and turns around. falling to the ground. she asks me not to kill her. im leaning down to kiss her. shes asking me to hold her. how did she pull my trigger? falling to the ground. i didnt want to kiss you anyway. shes running. im bleeding. her costume is tearing. i finally stopped staring. i finally stopped staring. - the stryder....random song...odd. but sad

cry or die hardcore

cry or die

just gonna sit awake for hours...thinking.....what actually goes on in my head? how i somehow manage to bypass certain feelings so i never feel pain, of any sort, until im alone....thinking too much i am...out

the get up kids are back into circulation of my music...so good. ill catch you is so fun to play on piano. greatness

ugh.....sick.

there was supposed to be a pic of david bowie here.....cos today everyone said i looked liek david bowie cos my hair wasnt done. ahha oh well. andrew and nick came back today...i chilled with andrew and steve and people for a while. it was cool. the old crew is back. haha. fun. out.

it was cool too cos last night the old singer for bionic man gave me 'props' haha. he said i was a really good bass player and he was really nice. man last night was an awesome ass show. :) yay for being high all the time.....the good high....where im on top of this fucked up world. everythings perfect.great. out.

damn....i wish i had $14....dashboard unplugged is coming out on tuesday.....cd annnd dvd...im a dork. oooh well..gotta start saving

man tonight fucking rocked.....the best feeling in the world. the show was aweosme....all of my friends were there, ida was there...everyone...i played really well. and we all did. i just got so excited. i was on top of the world. everything was going perfectly. its jsut great. joy. out.

man im such a loser....all i do is sat at home and play guitar and sing all day....no life

i must suck.....no one ever seems to take my singing seriusly...i guess i need to learn how to sing...without sounding weird

Sat 14 electric maid
268 carrol st.
nw washington dc , DC the thumbs
bleeder resistor
BIONIC MAN
30 day warranty $5
7:00 pm
info: www.bleederresistor.com possibly one more tba

Saturday December 21st at the Electric Maid, 268 Carroll Street, Takoma NW DC 20012

starts at 6:30, $5, affront, swing knife swing, Dead Vice Prez, stories long forgotten and TIME OUT OF LINE

man fuck walking to school.....goddamn it was wet. and ice. sigh. oh well it wasnt too bad except that my hoody was wet aaall day and so was i. but it was an ok. cos someone came to school afterwards:)

fuck yeah....its pretty much certain, im gonna be playgin a show with bionic man in chicago in the end of january. oh and this satruday a show with bionic man at the electric maid at 7....be there..... please haha. itll rock i promise. for now. out.

katwoman5353: i know someone famous
Tre4222: you do?
katwoman5353: *i will call you famous now

i have quite a good plan.....i hope she'll like it.....:)

So she says, Everyone's gone to the party. Won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend? I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom, wearing the smile that I bring you. I was hoping to learn a few things like: Do you, Do you like dishing the dirt on the whole class and talking the big smack or playing the fool or wearing all of the latest fashions or plucking your new trends or wearing your old threads if you like coffee in the evening? These are a few things that I'd like to know. That I'd like to know. So I say, I've been scheduled to work, but I'll call in and my friend isn't busy, he'll be happy to join me and maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off or maybe we will. I'm dying to know! Do you, Do you like dreaming of things so impossible or only the practical or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days just to end them with someone you care about and do you like making out and long drives and blue eyes and guys that just don't quite fit in? Do you like them? So yes, I'll see you there.

man.....my day was pretty good, chill. but it got a whole lot better at about 9:45. hehe ;) yeah snowboarding in vans and a hoodie definately doesnt work for warmth. meh. fun times. no more toes. out.

And we won't be breathing in that same sun again
None of this will ever surface again
How we get older, how we forget about each other
And the angel falls to the sky
Raised and coiled she blessed this day she did
And it rings our ears
She rarely flies anymore, burden broke her wings
And I know this ghost, I have seen it before
Young it is the dying too fast, too soon, I'll be okay
The air thins in the quick and our lips move but we hear no sound
She whispered "Every time you justify, another good in you dies"
Your faith and fear seared me, and love and you pull all the right strings
"How we get older, how we forget about each other," she said
Entwined within the sadder of days

i guess i cant trust them anymore...putting fuckign words in my mouth. goddamnit i hate that. i never said that. and how can anyone know what i was thinking?? they dont know shit.

no fucking school!!!!!

shiiiit...well no one's mad at me...thats good. and shit man. tomorrow im going up to chuck's and paul reed smith is gonna be there. god its gonna rock. ill hopefully get a rack mount case for my amp, 30 band equalizer and power conditioner. im excited. toired. need clean. out.

slive is not a name by a name, and has nothing to do with the previous post.

slive.....hm....why is he mad at me....i hope he doesnt make me get sick again...

shit...good good shit. just got back. i have that feeling you have of almost fulfilling your life long dream. its fuckign awesome. the show was awesome. we played really well and people loved us. again people dont think im 16, but 18 or 19 which i still dont get but whatever. people praised my bass skills which was cool. and it was an over all sweet ass night. chilling with the band. just hanging laughing. quite a good day. the long car ride gave me time to think about shit. just how incredibly lonley i am. and other weird shit like why i was sick for the entire year in 1st grade. 5 year olds know whats going on and find their own way of dealing with shit. my family's depression literally made me sick. and just life is smacking me in the face at the moment and im taking it. i dont know how. just sitting here apart from me, watching me. crying inside. appearing quiet, ponderous, and a tad unerved on the outside. using wire cutters for the oddest reasons. lost in life. so much shit. its spectacular. maybe im more resiliant than i thought. or maybe im misleading myself. i need to talk. but there is no one to talk to. im losing everythign and gaining more. i cant tell if thats good or bad. it certainly is a pretty fucking bittersweet december. brilliant fucking dance. standard lines. confused. i need to sleep. i need to shave. out.

dent the plaster....out comes the chocolate ice cream

one second youre ok, the next youre wishing for that one simple moment of being able to say good night back to someone. you think "oh youre fine, dont worry about it." youre dead wrong. it hits you. right as youre trying to ignore it. crushed. out.

the brilliant dance.
So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

out comes the depression. out goes me.

Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head

well here come the get up kids into my cd player. weird. it reminds me of old times. fuck. this sucks.

BON JOVI !!!! haha i know i know. im a loser. new jersey rocks. out.

ok well i have 5 or so time out of line songs uploaded to my MP3s/Pictures Link in the table of think at the top of my blogger. check them out.

ok...so mp3.com is being a bitch abot uploading songs...so for now they will be at the same site as all my pictures. look there. out.

fuck that being sad...andrew came back for thanksgiving. damn it was tight. jist me and him chilling, talking, bro'in out. it was awesome. as for now, im uploading time out of line songs onto mp3.com so look for updates soon so if you dont have the cd you can download that shit. out.

dashboard? confess...time for me to suck at life

gotta love all these from autumn to ashes songs...

Emotionless grey skies bleed somber dreams of sorrow
Blackened unseen heart tears a virgins godlike innocence from its pristine palace
Paint sarcastic smiles upon new wounds
Tears of misery stain scar filled minds
Hatred new like tomorrow flows from bitter memories
Purity now embraced by sinful ideals why
Lifeless tomb rests weary with prowling peering eyes
Silence falls upon deaf ears covered by night
Alone in thought, shaking
Biting tongues of lead at unfit moments
Screaming disbelief with no faith in site

[and her disgust has no borders, no limits to strive for,
she bends and breaks to the rules set by the weak]

She's finally seen she's a beautiful girl with a smile so grand she could stop the world
Stolen her skin he sews her mouth shut, means nothing to him, her screams just die out
As she cries out her voice dies out
As she cries out her voice dies out
Love once inside her heart, lay in my hands
Was it asked for?
Was it implied?
What could have been done?
Inside her mind dies.


Short Stories With Tragic Endings


Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give you.

{Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts so much it's like choking.. choking?}

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your
lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.

{Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder
of what I'll never have..
I'll never have.. I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that i kills me to breathe you in..
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down.. come down. I cherish you.. I cherish
you.
Just say that you would do the same for me..
just say you would do the same..
just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.}

she keeps on asking "do you think it hurts much to die?"
its hurting so much more to stay alive now,
shes gonna find out how much it hurts to die
she laced her perfume up with death,
i feel it in my lungs,
so i'll pull in the deepest breath and drop my head

let me die

im not a murderer. for now ill rock out the skid row and read the dostoevsky. but not for long. whatever. i need rest. only 4 hours of sleep in the past 37 hours doesnt work for me at all.

i like fortune cookies....they provide great insight. and always at the right times. and they woprk for almost anything. theyre great sources of inspiration. i talked to the nicest telemarketer today. she called up adn asked for my mom, but had a hard time pronouncing my last name (why anyone has trouble saying olexy is beyond me). so she apologized a lot. and said im sorry ive been doing this all day im sorry. or maybe she was drunk. but either way she was nice.

"I never tried to prove nothing, just wanted to give a good show. My life has always been my music, it's always come first, but the music ain't worth nothing if you can't lay it on the public. The main thing is to live for that audience, 'cause what you're there for is to please the people."
Louis Armstrong

"There's only two ways to sum up music; either it's good or it's bad. If it's good you don't mess about it, you just enjoy it." -Louis Armstrong

well today was tiring. im tired. im gonna sleep. in other notes. i have a new page. its just some pics. http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/silverlinings . its also in my table of links. it is not the pictures(old) link. out.

the songs. theyre depserately running around in my head. they come out on my guitar as the best songs ive written. they express the true musical direction i want to go in. just plain hardcore/metal/emo/rock comglomerate that rips your hear out with its piercing pinch harmonics and blood thirsty breakdowns. the infectious head bobbing and foot tapping. the fames A no 3 no 7 chord. such a beautiful combination of tones. almost makes one weep. i feel it. i need to get these songs onto cd. i need to get them out to the world. i need a band to play these songs i write. or i need to play them all myself. for that i need money. time to save. sleep. rock. out.

This is the end result of so many meetings at late night dinners with no one eating,
we sit in corners and sip burnt coffee,
count the tiles up on the ceiling,
lets skip the pretense and cut straight to dying,
just dont beg me to keep your eyes from crying,
you said so much without even parting your lips,
its past 3am and i'm still far from sleep,
and this is a habit i cant break,
you're my only company,
i'm skipping stones down a suburban street,
street lights flicker like this match in my hand,
it was begging to strike,
I keep repeating but this payphone tele stopped receiving,
flat out of change now and i'm sure you won't accept the charges,
its all the same because by morning i'll be halfway to colarado,
or someplace like that,
she keeps on asking "do you think it hurts much to die?"
its hurting so much more to stay alive now,
shes gonna find out how much it hurts to die
she laced her perfume up with death,
i feel it in my lungs,
so i'll pull in the deepest breath and drop my head

well...i have mixed feelings about tonight....the first part was fun. i hung out with robert and ida and just chilled. much fun there. then i went to a show around 10. age of ruin and carved in stone. excellent show. i saw tons of friends i hadnt seen in a long ass time. then i went to see the rock horror picture show at the student union. that sucked. i thought people were gonna be there. but it turns out they werent. then the whole thing sucked and i was wishing for it to be over the whole time. its 3 am, i was cold, wet, and disappointed and just in a bad mood. i guess sleep will help. but for now ill listen to age of ruins free 2-song cd i got. it is superb. shit sucks. fuck. out.

its been the longest time since ive had a steak. i forgot how good they are. sorry to all the vegetarians out there. but yeah. so i spent the night at erins last night with peoples. it was fun. fun was had. ;) ;) hehe. weelll. i got many new games for my computer. all play and no work my trevor a lazy boy. well time to clean. and sleep and get rest. good. out.

last night fuckin rocked.jim breuer was soo funny. i had so much fun. :) and i got me some good sleep and thats always good. things are good again. chillin. playing with the computer. sitting around. out.

way to go ass fuck. throw it all away. fuck things up again trevor. what the hell is wrong with me?? why do i always manage to let things slip away? let myself waste away and ruin things. think of too many wordly things. do too much stuff for my own good. fuck. up. out. :(

tell me what the purpose in me living is. do it. explain to me why my life has any relevance at all to the overall scheme. in a hundred years people wont look back and ask who was this guy. they wont care about me. im so insignificant. i want to dream away my life. most things seem so trivial and fake anyway. might as well dream. run away from it all. just give up. im trying too hard. out.

Like a phoenix ignition
like a crematorium
Like a swelling volition
from the barrel of a gun
From the ashes and the embers
like a rocket I'll ascend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend
I'LL ASCEND
Everyday tear down the walls
till cornerstones remain
Coming ONE STEP CLOSER ALL THE TIME
And although we'll never reach perfection ALWAYS PERSIST TO TRY

No regrets, just rebirth
move forward, and ignite.
Incandescent Reinvention
a new renaissance
A NEW FIRE EACH DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when the hands read 7:30 and your night begins to sink in the short but faster fall
in the anxious but calm retort to mirror that frames your face baring the finest swell
when the day begins to break like the tears that run across your cheek
stand straight and imagine you then in the things and the way they could have been
when the thoughts they race across your chin here in the neverend

(i'll be home) in graver mistakes dear mom and dad, i write you in the letter that states
(i'll be moving on) when the new days begun forget your son when he's out on his own

point your gun in another direction now that you've cried yourself to sleep here in there after the fire

(before you walk home) when the days found figuring will he be home again
(signal loss and stereo) with wide open windows will she be waiting for
(the sounds surround the overpass) with severed arm placement when the day's dark, old and dead
(a dead man against you) we'll write her a letter in a long time passing by...

point your gun in another direction now that you've cried yourself to sleep here in there after the fire

i'll be home to say i love you and i'll be moving on

finally this shit works

and how do you know? where are you going? is it time to run? run. no. go. dream. paint over the lies. furnish new hope. are they the one? believe it or not its time to choose who to kill. how is it possible? pretty soon it'll all crumble and so will you. everlast the pain of distance. go. run. dream of distance. go. no. run.

you cry out as your face smacks hard against the cold pavement. You struggle to get to your feet and feel the thick blood oozed from your torn face. upon reaching your feet you lose all thoughts. there is no one around, nothing but the street lights and light rain misting the quiet inner city streets. what a life this has turned out to be. a life full of fantasy dampened by possessions. an idealist point of view restricted. you wonder where youre going, who will be at home to great you when you return, who will be your companion through and through. you cant live life. you cant experience anything. freedom provides for huge gains in experience. as you think this, you wander back to your hole in that wall, bleeding, broken, and with a new sense of what to do, but unable to. despair. fatigue. life fades away on your bed. distance yourself from reality. finally you never care. gone.

the A in ap chem made my day. and all my work isnt due on friday. the biggest part is due on monday. so i have lots of time to do it. coheed and cambria is the newest band of the moment. and ive gotten back into from autumn to ashes. even though i heard one or two songs a while ago and liked them a lot. oh well. both bands kick ass. hometown hero rips as well.

wait for... everything evil in you comes out
i'll stay when we'll only motivate sound instead sergeant
make for the table... in hopes that i won't be afraid again
call when enabled and send the leader out against... i will
stage a reenactment in a false pretense exist inflict
unworthy unconsciousness why debate when the actions suppressed then kill the acquitted
listen... to the sounds that remain in question in hopes... to solidify a truce
amongst the children and the jury
that stands the verdict alive here among the dead
evolve monstar show me the things that i've never wanted done
evolve monstar do to me the things i never wanted done

i i felt much better than this before
if they find out to avoid then the accidents kept hidden away
but if they stay...

blood hungry cannibalistic unfit family ties
in a series of knocks to the young girl's head side
come write me a letter and paste it on my refrigerator door
inspected inspector i think we've found something over here

jesse!!! just come look at what your brother did here he did away with me
stay until wednesday and write me a child-like letter pretending
at war here in thursday let's make this our last day at home by the fence

would you run...? would you run? would you run down past the fence...?
and she screamed claudio, dear claudio
i wish god damn it we'll make it if you believe... f.b.i.

Mercury Rising


how sad
and this is what your life has been reduced to -
a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
how sad
when the strings have been removed from the blinds
and all the outlets have bene painted over.
and the television screen is streaked with blood
and smeared from your knuckles,
as if you were trying to punch it out
but you underestimated the strength -
or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.
startled by a knock at the door,
you'll rise for the first time in two days to answer -
but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement -
'hello my first name is distance
and i really don't care if i never wake up again.'

:::G min:::

write. good. joining amnesty international at school. its going to be pretty cool i hope. national honor society as well. its academic. these things should look good on college applications. in other news. i love music. so fucking much. im getting into lots of shit now that i got a better computer. all this stuff ive heard, but not too in depth im hearing and loving. man. things like life are feeling better. im getting work done more now. its good. time seems to be coming back to my possession. music. save. life. up and down. determination. exhaustion. oh yeah. ive figured out why i want to be something else. asian, european. not native to america. respect and understand are probably the things i crave most. i also want respect from asians because their society and beliefs are centered around honor and respect and relationships(confucianism). i tend to lean toward eastern religions in general. and repsect just falls in there. but being an american, people around the world despise this country. i do too. and i despise the image it imparts on me. im not some dumb american. and im sure that the cosmopolitans of the world know better than that, but until they meet me why not stereotype? i dont want to be categorized as a capitalist pig from a country that hasnt reached a post-industrial society. i want respect of the people of the world. i despise this government and its atrocities and most everything about it. europe knows how its done. it is, for the most part, stable and the people there happy. it is very well organized. but i suppose i dont actually know hwo it is there but i want to know. i want to go there. i want to be rid of this horrid beauracray. damn. fuck bush.(there, its gone). i want to be in europe. fuck american ideals. fuck capitalism. out.

Which Sexy Comic Book Woman Are You?
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well the bionic man show kicked so much ass. it was so much fun to be playing bass at shows again. and really being able to just rock balls out. goddamn it was so much fun. got to see some cool people that i dont usually see at shows. saw steve, marcella, chris landy, brent, jeanie, everyone. got a cd of a really good band. rocked out. loaded a ton of equipment into the back of a truck in the pouring rain. good times :) and my computer came today so tomorrow morning ill hook that biotch up. but. its all so bittersweet.

furniture stores, the bane of my existence

saw conspiracy theory tonight. good fucking movie. although im a sucker for spy/government conspiracy movies that involve the cia or nsa. oh well. i liked it a lot. and recommend it. im drifting back into my days of political 'activism,' except its more of thionking about stuff like that. back into my days of anti-capitialism. back to days of adimantly supporting the zapatistas down in chiapas. back to the rage. good times are coming. today feels good. i got time. i got shit. nice. mel gibson, tom hanks, samuel l. jackson, harvey keitel, sean connery, anthony hopkins, julia roberts, angelina jolie(girl interrupted), nicholas cage. a list of my favorite actors/actresses. yup. out.

Whenever richard cory went down town,
we people on the pavement looked at him:
he was a gentleman from sole to crown,
clean favored, and imperially slim.

and he was always quietly arrayed,
and he was always human when he talked;
but still he fluttered pulses when he said
"good morning," and he glittered when he walked.

and he was rich--yes, richer than a king--
and admirably schooled in every grace:
in fine, we thought that he was everything
to make us wish that we were in his place.

so on we worked, and waited for the light,
and went without meat, and cursed the bread;
and richard cory, one calm summer night,
went home and put a bullet through his head. - edward arlington robinson

you can never know what someone is thinking. you can wish all you want to be in their place. but you can never know what that is actually like.
fuck this. im quite sick. fuck. but oh well. ill deal. i finally got my internet phone line repaired. and on the way home from school today i had an urge to go on another bike trip. dont know why. meh. today was a good day weather wise. nice and overcast. sleep. out.

You see a painting. you judge it. you like it. an aged painter comes by and says, "this painting...it's terrible!" would you at once yield to his judgement? after all he is the learned one. he has painted for many years. he knows the styles the techniques, and the abilities. he has infinitely more prestige associated with his judgement of this work. this is not to say that his opinions are necessarily correct, but he will know things you, as an art appreciator, most likely will not. Then one must consider this: this artist may quite possibly destroy the very feeling and beauty of the it. the overcriticization of the technicalities may overpower the inent the artist originally had. maybe no one cares. maybe they just want to look at the painting and enjoy it. the wonder and joy one gets from looking at and analyzing paintings is sometimes all that is needed. not soem extensive background. but then is a thorough background in a field a good thing to have, to provide a deeper insight into the piece of work?.....the same is true for music....

good old nostalgia. everyday i walk up my street, and i delve back into my mind and rememeber the sweet carefree days of being a child. its the best feeling. overcast days are by far my favorite. and the temperature is quite chilly yet refreshing and welcomed with open arms. now to damn my sickness that is coming on. i lost my voice for a little today while i was playing guitar. my throat just got all clogged up and my head hurt and it just sucked. oh well i suppose i'll deal with it. thats what i always seem to do. hm. well i gotta do some sort of work soon. i got practice with bionic man wednesday and thursday. itll be fun. learning songs. jamming is fun. and just rocking out. i cant wait until summer rolls around. the rock shall be brought to your fucking front door and it'll fuck it up.
individuality is the goal. my new goal. i strive for it and i find that im much more sane that way. sometimes it can be shoved under the rug, but for the vast majority of time, it suits me well. out.

:::Cm:::

fall is by far the best season. its so serene and beautiful. the smell is enough to captivate you from when the cold first gingerly nips your cheeks when you walk out of your door in the morning, to the crunching of all the fallen leaves. sweet nostalgia. all the memories and thoughts associated with fall are wonderful. they have the awesome ability to put any one at peace. memories of childhood, playing in gargantuan heaps of leaves, walking home from school in the brisk air, thinking only of trick-or-treating in 2 weeks. ah the bliss of being a child. as long as i can feel it once more at present, it will do me good. i love fall. so today was a nice day. tiring. but nice nonetheless. the psat is tomorrow. im more or less excited. i want to take them to see if ive gotten any smarter. i want to improve. we'll see what happens. time to finish homework. trivial shit. but due on the morrow. out.

well, this weekend started off kinda blandly with the planetarium stuff and all. the planetarium was cool, but everything else was boring for the most part. but oh well. my parents went away for the weekend so i spent the whole time at erin's, well for the most part (saturday morningish to tonight). i fuckin saw bane on saturday. my god it was such a good show. i was so glad i got to see them. i got give blood and a new bane shirt. and walked from college park back to erins. fun night. tired. i saw memento, enemy at the gates, and brave heart over the course of the weekend. really really good movies. memento was sooo confusing but quite excellent. now im tired. and playing guitar. singing old lyrics in better ways. its fun. the lyrics dont mean shit anymore, but theyre something to sing and try shit out with. so i use them. theyre relaly bad lyrics too but whatever. this weekend was excellent. now time to do something else. out.

waking up late and riding your bike to school in the rain is not at all a good way to start off the day. ive been falling asleep to classical music for the past week or two. its really nice. real soothing and relaxing. and its good to wake up to. but yeah. hm. im good i suppose. went to the planetarium tonight with a bunch of people. it was good i suppose. nothing i didnt know already. still fun. im soo tired now. i just got blasted by a wave of exhaustion. i should go to bed soon. impatience. out.

adios motherfucker 'amf'

so when andrew comes back, we're record some shit...rock the fuck out...time out of mother fucking line style haha....i miss the writing we did. we were such a good band. and not that crappy punk band everyone knows from our cd from almost 3 years ago. i want to write so bad. and i want to play guitar so bad. my musical outlets are not at all satisfied as of now. some day. patience. im getting more into converge these days. super into them. and bane. so good. adn coheed. all these bands. new music. so good. things are good. sleep. out.

WAR???......................

Farewell Note To The City
Disenchanting the romantic
This is the real, this is the shame
These limbs search feverishly for the gift of gravity
Coarse twine tears clean
And I have thought about this very instance for all time
Decades longer than you or I
Crimson comforting, scorching this flesh
giving its caring for me
And I have thought about these moments for all time
dangling from a silver lining
these lungs welcome the crimson tide of misfortune
Hell to pay
This is my farewell to this city

Thaw
In the want, the need, and this desperation
You'll find me as the time bomb
As the last great stand in this history
When all our roads traveled
And all have come to a most bitter end
Today I thaw - both Converge

a little less confusion now. pulling through the black corridor. reaching for even the faintest sliver of light. i see one. now only to obtain it. so close. so much progress. dreaming of the day when ill be free. i can almost move. the desparity is fleeting. its running from me now. not as quickly as i would hope. it can never distance itself from me as fast as i want it to. less overwhelmed by life. still dont feel completey right. but on the way. exhausted.
benevolence is for the strong hearted. vice versa for beligerence. totalitarianism, well, thats for power hungry bastards, or disillusioned visionaries and philanthropists. this 'war' on iraq, theres no point. oh no, we flatened their cities, killed many of their husbands, sons, and fathers, and we get pissed off when they shoot at coalition aircraft once or twice a week?? bush just wants oil and more money from his big buisness buddies. the reputation of the not-so-united states is deplorable at best. this, if carried out, will ruin our already teetering reputation, to the point where the world views us, if they dont already, as greedy, power-hungry, self-righteous imbiciles. i want the respect of other countries, let them be communists if they want. dont police the world. but anyway. enough political diatribe. out.

too many misconceptions. still left wondering. still left in the dark by my own conciousness. damn teenage angst and trying to find one's self. too lost. reclusive habits grow on me. wishful thinking envelopes me. itll be a month in 2 days. a month since ive done drugs. i cant make my mind up that fast. im sorry. i cant do it. i can barely even get through a day anymore. despair. confusion. fuck it all. out.

:::Fb:::

walking home from college park, remembering time out of line, 4 young men, creating music in the basement of a quaint home in university park. quarrelling with the lady of the house, jovialy conversing with the father. missing the days of practicing and walking to record exchange, buying $5 cds, eating subway, and walking back, taking the long way to spend extra time with the band. dancing through sprinklers singing west side story songs. those days suddenly disappeared. everyone grew up. we put the band aside. left it for memories of high school to consume. the perfect mixture in a band. the best musicians around. i want it back. i miss the comradery and the fun times we had just hanging out. december cant come fast enough this year. miles and miles away. out.

cant be sad. or even happy for that matter. bland and stuck in the middle without emotions to guide me through life. stuck wondering.

After all, to maintain this theory of the regeneration of mankind by means of its own advantage, is, after all, to my mind almost the same thing as... as to claim, for instance, with Buckle, that through civilization mankind becomes softer, and consequently less bloodthirsty and less fitted for warfare. Logically it does seem to follow from his arguments. But man is so fond of systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny what he can see and hear just to justify his logic. I take this example because it is the most glaring instance of it. Only look about you: blood is being spilled in streams, and in the merriest way, as though it were champagne. And what is it that civilization softens in us? Civilization only produces a greatervariety of sensations in man -- and absolutely nothing more. And through the development of this varoety, man may even come to find enjoyment in bloodshed. After all, it has already happened to him. Have you noticed that the subtlest slaughterers have almost always been the most civilzed of gentlemen, to whom the various Attilas and Stenka Razins could never hold a candle, and if they are not so conspicuous as the Attilas and Stenka Razins it is precisely because they are so often met with, are so ordinary and have become so familiar to us. In any case if civilization has not made man more blood-thirsty, it has at least made him more abominably, more loathsomely bloodthirsty than before. Formerly, he saw justice in bloodshed and with his conscience at peace exterminated whomever he thought he should. And now while we consider bloodshed an abomination, we nevertheless engage in this abomination, and even more than ever before. Which is worse? - Dostoevsky , notes from the underground

increasingly alone, reclusive. dont talk much to people. withdraw inside myself. and feel depressed. by show no outward signs still. i just ponder them. turn them over and over. i feel it. a faint stabbing now, almost as if its not really there, as if im imagining the entire episode. but a part of me feels gone. a part of me feels that faint stab and knows its real. but cant find it anymore. cant find out where it is so i can destroy it. lost. out.

scream 'fuck' as i drop to my knees and break. soak my face with tears. lay on the ground unable to move. whats happening??

partial mental breakdown....drug free....my music and my mind are the two most precious things to me. my mind has deteriorated and its bringing me down emotionally. im thankful that my musical abilities have not suffered. i dont know what i would do. ive decided to leave drugs. they dont do me any good. just make me cry. and lose my mind. about that. in 9th grade i more or less lost my mind. i thought i had regained my sanity. as it turns out i just ignored my insanity. and the problems seemed to disappear. but now i cant ignore it anymore. it bites at me. tears at my insides. waiting for the perfect moment to rip out my heart. it picked a good time to attack. these last few days have been incredibly overwhelming with my dad getting sick again and all. and my sudden realization that i ignore everything bad in my life. i just push it away and ignore it. forget about it. probably not the best way, but it was a quick fix at the time. today started out when i realized this morning i had to outline my report and turn it in today. that sucked. then i was gonna play guitar in dc. but i just couldnt bring myself to sit down and start playing. i felt so idiotic and incapable and frustrated. i can play in front of 100 people or more watching me....but not in front of people just walking by who dont really care one way or the other about me. i was pissed as hell about that. i couldnt play music. for once in my life i couldnt play in front of people. it wasnt even nerves either. i just absolutely was not able to do it. then theres the fact that i dont talk anymore. i mean i do, but i dont usually talk unless spoken to. i also desire solitude a lot more these days. i kind of sit around playign guitar or listening to music. i think about my feelings. i never show them anymore. i sit alone and ponder them over and over and decide what the best way to deal with them is. and then this 'fantasy' or imaginative scenario in my head designed to fix my problems and feelings deems the problem solved, the feelings dealt with, decimated. i say decimated because they are not completely obliterated, which i was going to say. the feelings are compressed and minimized to unimportant memories or fragments of thought. but slowly over time, faster for some thoughts, they decompress and excede the capacity of my feeble mind. i can not handle them anymore. sometimes more than one hit me at once and i lose control. the drawback to this process. i need to devise better ways of improving my mental health. and these drugs. damn them to fucking hell. they destroyed my mind once, and i was so naive as to let them cripple me once more. this time no going back to that state of a perpetual stupor. that state of being constantly sick and tired. im through. i have worn this facade for so long and fooled so many people that its not even right. the face of cheerfulness. no outward signs of depression. its all inside kicking up a storm bruising my guts. it kept me 'happy' for the most part. at least in everyone else's point of view. and now its b een too long that im not sure how to take it off. im not sure if i remember who the real me is anymore. ive changed so much in the past few months. and i dont remember me. i see me in the mirror. but looking deeper i see a void. a coldness that i have never seen before. an emptiness that sure was once filled to the brim. one day i suppose i will refill it. i just have no clue as to when. out.

:::Am:::

im sick and tired of being sick and tired....fuck drugs...for now at least

so sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick...

i want to have a change of heart, i want to fix the things that are tearing me apart. -bionic man

so today i got home, watched aerosmith behind the music. by far the best show ever. haha. but yeah then i went to practice with bionic man. eric had to leave early cos he was sick. but we worked on some songs. i need to learn songs a lot more. but it was fun. and tomorrow im going to DC to play guitar and hopefully make some money. im not lookin for much just a little extra cash to save up for an 8-track. and to pay back andrew. bionic man show october 25 at the electric made. itll be an awesome show. tired. need a grip master thing. must strengthen fingers. school is lots of work. music is my savior. tired. im always busy these days. i never just sit back and chill out. i never have time to. ill be busy friday and saturday. and im not sure about sunday. need rest. out.

:::B:::

'why are you talking aobut hanson?" "the same reason we're talking about bon jovi"

today i finished driving with the instructor guy so now im done with driver's ed for good. yay. now im doing homework. oh yeah. thirty-7 is playing at 3:00 october 5th at nation. on the small stage. come pleaase. tickets are $15 (i know its a lot of money). homewokr blows. tomorrow i got practice with bionic man. thatll be tight. got a show with them friday october 25th. dont know where exactly. i saw a chipmunk. and i hate pgcps. the cafeteria keeps running out of fucking food! argh. i manage to get food from somewhere most of the time though. but when i dont im pissed as hell. another thing sucks. my dad's skin cancer/melanoma is back. :/ im off.

:::D pedal tones:::

today was a good day for the most part. almost hit a dog driving cos some lady called it from across the street. stupid. drove for a while. can parallel park with the best of them. chilled for while. chilled with some more people and sat around. ate food. sat around. walked. did two lab reports. oh and BANE is playing october 12 in college park. and i hear its free. im so fucking excited. but i am tired. too tired to really think all that clearly. so i shall depart.

:::G9 no 3 no 7:::

andrew came back from maine today to go to the protests and shit and see some people. it was nice seeing him again after all this time. i got a hug :) haha its only been like 2 months. whatever he came up and we chilled for a little bit and rocked out with the guitars. playing with him brings out the best musicianship inside me. everything we played just felt right. i was lovin it. texturizing the music. harmonizing chords. mmmmm...but it was nice. and id better get a fuckin 8-track soon. which means i need some money. fast. damn being $500. maybe there will be a christmas sale i can find. if i get it, and if andrew comes back for christmas break, i want to record some tracks. god thatd be so awesome. well for now i gots ta roll out to bed before i get iced. tired. need sleep for driving at 8:30 tomorrow. peace.

im gonna go to dc and play guitar and make money. hopefully. i need money. and the only thing i want to do is play music. and i have lots of time....sorta. so i can play guitar for money. thats the best job ever. so i figure a few nights a week will add up to a fairly good amount of money. prolly not too much but it adds up. :)

::: A# :::

"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies."
- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

well hm....today wasnt such a bad day. tired for most of it. actually fell asleep in us history. never done that this year. finished my first of two lab reports. going to bouncing souls/anti-flag show tomorrow. this weekend started out looking pretty dismal but its looking better so im glad. i gotta get up at 8:30 every morning and go driving for two hours this weekend. and i gotta go driving on monday at 4:30 for another two hours. but ill be completely done wiht driving school. school is challenging. just what i wanted. but i didnt want to be tired forever and always. im not too tired now though. but meh. lets see. i need to read a little more dostoevsky. been too busy to do much of anything. oh yeah. i dont know if i mentioned this or not, but hopefully ill get a digital 8-track recorder sometime soon. the only thing is that its like $500. :/ im getting a computer first though. and prolly paying half for the recorded at christmas. itll be soo nice to record my music whenever i feel like it and whenever somethign comes to me. then i can hook it up to my computer and master it and burn it to cd. :) so excited. i just hope i can get it. id never leave my room then. oh well. i always forget what i want to write in this. fuck it. im off to start my other lab report. livin la loca vida

take the nerd test.


and go to mewing.net. a nerd utopia.

:::Csus9:::

ok so my computer has been down since last thursday...pretty fucking inconvenient. but my dad got it fixed so its nice and new and working. just gotta reinstall all my programs and old files and what not. to recap. bionic man asked me to be their bass player and tour around the country with them. i was so excited to hear this. its my dream to tour with a band. and this oen watned me to tour with them and theyre a pretty successful band. but, my parents say im too young. i guess so considering theyre 28 and im 16. but whatever im not too worked up about it. ill tour sometime in my life dont worry everyone who thinks i shold just leave now. itll all work out. so i told htem i couldnt tour, but they still want me to fill in with them and play shows until they find another bassist. thats still pretty damn good. so not a total loss. i got new hi hats and used them at thirty-7's first show. it went really fucking well. i expected us to not play as good as we did since we've been together for 4 and a half months and it was our first show ever. we also sold like 24 cds and made a little over $70. the silver lining seems to have stalled, awaiting bass player and drummer. i think steve found some people though so i gotta talk to him about that. things have been going quite well. kinda just get home from school everyday adn sit around. im tired alot though. so busy. ive been reading dostoevsky lately. he's really cool. expect some excerpts in here from some of his work. hmm what else is there....ive been thinking abotu lots of stuff to put in here in the days i could not do so, but all those thought elude me presently. oh well ill think of them later hopefully. time to go do some more configuring of my computer. peace.

"the more conscious i was of goodness, and of all that "sublime and beautiful," the more deeply i sank into my mire and the more capable i became of sinking into it completely. but the main thing was that all this did not seem to occur in me accidentally, but as though it had be so. as though it were my most normal condition, and not in the least a disease or depravity. it ended by my almost believing (perhaps actually believing) that probably this was really my normal condition. but at first, in the beginning, that is, what agonies i suffered in that struggle! i did not believe that others went through the same things, and therefore i hid this fact about myself as a secret all my life. i was ashamed (perhaps i am even ashamed now). i reached the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despicable enjoyment in returning home to my corner on some disgusting Petersburg night, and being acutely conscious that that day i had again done something loathsome, that wata was done could never be undone, and secretly, inwardly gnaw, gnaw at myself for it, nagging and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful accursed sweetness, and finally into real positive enjoyment!" fyodor dostoevsky

:::Bm:::
well lots of shti to write. yesterday thirty-7 finished recording our cd. its pretty good. a few errors on my part. but of course im going to pick out all the mistakes oh well. its nice. i was sooo tired after it all though. but it was fun. missed a day of school. got kinda behind in work but whatever. i can make it up. hm. there was more. but i forgot it all. haha. so i got a great offer from a band. it will fulfill my lifelong dream. today was a really good day. jut got a shit load of homework. gotta listen to musics. write papers. oh well. cant think straight anymore. too much good stuff. oh yeah. my parents are going away for three days and two nights and theyll either let me stay home alone, or spend the whole time at erins. i wonder which one i'll do.....haha. take a wild guess. but yeah shits good. as long as my parents dont start getting bitchy and over protective. i should be getting my new hi-hats tomorrow. thatll be excellent. since thirty-7 most likely has a show on friday. im out.

:::G#:::

today was rockin. spent the night on andrew's floor. nice floor if i must say. woke up. went to lusby maryland to record. on the way there we got a tad bit lost and stopped at st leonards elementary school to ask for directions. they were the nicest peopel ever. i swear they were like waiting for us to come in. they were telling us where to go and then other teachers came out and helped out too. it was great. then back on our way. it takes an hour to get there. and its in the middle of nowhere. but we got there. its a really nice place. super fucking good equipment. we set up and i had some troubles getting the bass drum pedal to work right so i could play fast. after i got that figured out we rocked out. recorded lots and lots of tracks. it sounds sooo good. i drummed for a good three and a half hours today. im quite pooped. then i did the second guitar tracks. a lot harder than i would have expected but it turned out excellently. the quality of the drum sound and guitar are amazing. and it hasnt even een mastered yet. i cant wait til we finish it tomorrow. or i guess today now. but it was excellent. and i need to go to bed. night. come see us (thirty_7) at nations october 5th. see me for ticket details. night

am i that cold? 5000 deaths means nothing. but one is a different story. i didnt even know this person but reading accounts by someone who cared a lot about them and reading lovign memories brings me to tears. i know it hurts. but how can i be affected? i met them once. but someone who cared more than most remembered, and it was beautiful. the things said. its sad. im gonna go cry for the pain that people feel. just from one self-induced death. the pain is enormous. the things we wish we could have done. i know how it feels. i just know. it didnt effect me at all. but i feel the pain somehow. im sorry man.

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

oh yeah i forgot to bitch aboutu 9/11 too. I COULD CARE LESS!! fuck it if 5,000 people die. more than that die everyday in africa because they have no food. 5,000 people is so insignificant. its been year. so what. it happened let it go. i dont care. dont keep telling me about it. and dont fucking say its the worst thing you've ever heard of in your life. what about the holocaust, civil war, slavery?? i can think of so many things 1000 times worse then 9/11. im tired of the bull shit. the united states can bomb anyone it wants to, but oh no!! when we get bombed its a world tragedy. we deserved it. pushing all the other countries in the world around. i could care less. fucking media reporting about it constantly. fuck it.

:::diminished 5th:::

well today was an ok day i guess. i got really fucking pissed at the coffee house auditions. first off the drum set was a piece of shit and they didnt have a kick pedal or a snare. dumb shits. the cymbals sounded like shit and the pedal we found was crap. so im playing the durms to get a feel for them, and the lady who's running it starts bitching like our ears our tired stop playiung blah blah. and what, 2 bands played before us? shut the fuck up! then we turn on the amps and she starts bitching about how those are too loud. so she turns them down and im like uh i cant hear them now. and she does it anyway. so we start playing. nooooo im playign too loud. so she tells me to play quieter. dont fuckin tell me how to play my goddamn music!!! we wrote the music to share with others what me created, dont you ever dare fucking tell me how to play. i will fuck you up if you piss me off enough and thats one way to do it. so then we start over and play through, only the guitars are turned down too low so you still cant play anything. so we finish and im pissed as hell. i just wanted to kill her. stupid bitch. ugh. and im sick so that doesnt help matters. then i go to driver's ed. it was ok. not anythign ineteresting. but i was hungry and tired the whole time and i feel more sick now. so basically today turned into a sucky day. oh well. im gonna go continue being sick now.

:::Asus:::

semi vow of silence

I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest who'd have known? I trace the cord back to the wall no wonder it was never plugged in at all I took my time, I hurried up the choice was mine I didn't think enough I'm too depressed to go on
you'll be sorry when I'm gone
I never conquered, rarely came 16 just held such better days days when I still felt alive we couldn't wait to get outside the world was wide, too late to try the tour was over, we'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home
to pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I'd die alone another six months I'll be unknown give all my things to all my friends
you'll never step foot in my room again you'll close it off, board it up remember the time that I spilled the cup
of apple juice in the hall please tell mom this is not her fault
I never conquered, rarely came 16 just held such better days days when I still felt alive we couldn't wait to get outside the world was wide, too late to try the tour was over, we'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home to pass the time in my room alone
I never conquered, rarely came tomorrow holds such better days days when I can still feel alive when I can't wait to get outside the world is wide, the time goes by the tour is over, I've survived I can't wait till I get home to pass the time in my room alone

good ol cheesy blink 182. but oh well. i was listening to their live cd, and this song came on. and it reminded me of myself. not in a bad depressing way. just how i cant wait to get home to pass the time in my room alone. its weird. maybe bad i dont know. i increasingly dislike conversations these days. some are ok. but i generally would prefer to not talk. and just listen. think about stuff. i acknowledge what people say, but sometimes i just dont want to respond, not cos im lazy, i just dont want to carry on a conversation at the moment. its nothing at all personal. just my internal emotions at that time. i also prefer alone time over large groups or anythign of the sort. it requires no outward thinking on my part and i can do whatever i need or want to do. im becoming a recluse haha. oh well. i probably should talk more. and seem a little less cold sometimes. its just now a days i dont want to talk. itll pass im sure. but listening is prefered over talking on my part. 16 held such better days. i have some bad ones. where i hate things and myself. sometimes other people. not my friends of course. just people and acquaintences. but i used to love going outside. but now i want to be to myself most of the time. and it takes large amounts of effort on my part to get online sometimes, or respond to someone. alone. by choice. thinking. i guess i wanted to think more. and i sorta slowy subconciously started to do that. hm. well. anyways. today was good. took pictures of flowers in the "early" morning (9:30). went to band practice. we were all kinda sick. it was a good practice though. playing without vocals will get us more nsync with eachother. itll be good for recording. and for performing. then drivers ed. i dont mind being bored and actually paying attention. i paid $245 for it might as well try and get a little something out of it if i dont know it already. then came home, fixed my hi-hat. oh, my parents are gonna buy my hi-hats for me now since i only need like 20 more bucks. and i need them soon for shows and waht not. not to mention my other ones are cracked beyond belief. then did homework. still got more. need rest. must get to school at 8:15 to finish lab. hopefully i wont engulf my hand inflames this time. oh well. tired. good night.

:::D:::

well today was very fun. cleaned a bit. drove really well. chilled around my house. then i went to band practice. we played really well. better than i expected since i was tired and sore. i learned the chords to the songs im playing back up guitar on for the cd we're gonna record in a week. that was fun. harmonizing. then i decided to have 2 acoustic and 2 bass tracks on movie night, a song i wrote for a special someone person. its so amazingly good. i was playign it. and it made me cry. so many sounds at once. beautiful tapestry of sound. a masterpiece. its so hard to think about it though. me playing all of it. thank god for over-dubbing. so that was fun. borrowed time out of line cd from andrew p and got sad listening to it. i miss being in that band. and playing wiht those guys. it was so much fun. sigh. oh well. tired. need rest. school tomorrow. ugh. not too bad though. today was a very good day. need new hi-hats. cant wait to record. well good night.

:::D7:::

super tired....im gonna get lots of rest tonight hopefully. gotta get up tomorrow and clean then goto band practice wiht thirty-7. we're getting realyl good its fun. oh and my other band im starting with steve...the silver lining. thanks lauren for renewing my interest in philosophy and deeper thought. i missed it. as of now im tired and tired and bored and need sleep. online scrabble is sucking cos computers suck so much. argh. oh well its still fun when it works. wow. 23 minutes just went by really fast. meh. i need sleep i cant think.

"one day, john entwhistle, keith moon, and jimmy page were sittin aroudn talking. and jimmy page goes i want a band named after a lead balloon. john said, "how about led zeppelin"?

:::C4 + G5:::

what a wonderful day it is when one is criticized for carrying books more than a hundred pages long. reading for fun is apparently for smart people apparently. personal betterment is apparently only for smart people. the one thing i cant stand about the vast majority of the population is the close-mindedness and ignorance without initiative to learn and improve and the absence of any kind of attempt at intellectuality, that perpetually surrounds me. individuals almost never attempt to reach their full potential when it's terribly obvious that they are wasting their minds. intellecuality, or even intelligence is a difficult goal to attain, but just a sincere try to reach that goal is a superlative effort and worthy of praise, deserving recognition as such. if only people realized the complete error in the mindset of 'ignorance is bliss' in relation to the acquisition of knowledge, our world would be significantly better off. toleration in all walks of life would be overflowing and no one would be trapped behind or stumble over gender or racial barriers. im fed up with complascent ignorance and ignorant mockery and self-degradation. its such a waste.

i strive for intellecuality in my own life. i read because i hunger for new ideas, concepts, and most of all, i crave the acquisition of knowledge, useful or not, opinions or facts. to be smart is not my goal. i want to enhance my moral views, alter my ethics to the most efficient and best suited to my way of thought, but keep them on a semi socially acceptable level. i want to teach others. i want to completely obliterate complascence of thought and apathy towards knowledge and its acquisition.

:::A5:::

The Christian faith from the beginning, is sacrifice: the sacrifice of all freedom, all pride, all self-confidence of spirit; it is at the same time subjection, self-derision, and self-mutilation. There is cruelty and religious Phoenecianism in this faith, which is adapted to a tender, many-sided, and very fastidious conscience; it takes for granted that the subjection of the spirit is indescribably painful, that all the past and all the habits of such a spirit resist the absurdissimum, in the form of which "faith" comes to it.
- from the philosophy of nietzsche: beyond good and evil: the religious mood

Suicide Machines w/ From Autumn to Ashes • Glasseater • Small Brown Bike - sun sept 8 $12 fletchers....all the rest 930
Thursday - tues sept 17 $15
George Clinton & The P-Funk All Stars - wed sept 18 $35 :(
Dillinger Escape Plan - fri sept 27 $12
Thrice w/ hot water music - wed oct 9 $10
dashboard - thursday oct 10 $16
Reel Big Fish - wed oct 16 $17.50

so many shows, so little money

:::F9 no 3 no 7:::

not fair, not fair, not by a longshot, be sure to tell them both i hate them." call me when they let you breath" its gets worse and worse, i'm not shocked, let it be the giant calice, never shocked so use too it all, and day dreaming


i can't tell you if i'm broken, the name just sticks out of the screen, tommorow morning i'll realize i'm alone again, all on my own again, i crash, i crash.


waiting at the end of the block, guess its time to go, guess its time for me to fly, locked in your cage, let it be broken, you were meant for more, way more than i, no more captives, not by a cigar burn or the roughly assembled downstairs, keep me captive, so beautifull yours the living, p.s. try harder,


lay around and be imperfect. - the silver lining

kickin jam - converge: jane doe

:::Emaj6:::

time to think of something to write...im tired as usual. im gonna go to bed after i write this so i can get some decent rest. hopefully i'll have band practice tomorrow. i want to play wiht those guys more. well the other day i got new bass, acoustic, and electric strings. it was fuckin $32 dollars. so much money. oh well i needed them. i realized there is so much shit i want to buy. from cds to guitar gear. now i just need a nice secure source of lots of money. which will never happen. haha oh well. i need to polish my cymbals. i found some polish in my house today. and mine need cleaning. oh, and i found out the other day that im part scottish/irish. my mom was adopted and she finally found out her ethnic background. thats pretty cool. im scottish and polish. mmm. my bed sounds so tantilizing at the moment. time to roll out into my bed and sleep. night.

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

i need to seriously rethink my stand on drugs and the usage amount. lots of information has recently came my way. and i need to sort it all out. go go go...think think think....

:::Gmaj5:::

well yesterday steve came over and we chilled and wrote a song and a half. the song is really good. still needs a little more fine tuning and at least 2 more band members. but it is a superb song. im very proud of it. then we chilled for a while more and then went to the count me out and fairweather show. fairweather was really really good. i dont think ive ever danced that much besides at bane. mmm. bane. theyre soo good. the past few days ive just been playing non stop bane. i put in holding this moment and crank it and the guitar amp and i just play. i never even played the cd before but somehow i know how to play it automatically. its wonderful. such a good band. so after the show we chilled for a while, ate, slept. woke up realyl early for some reason. so he left this morning around like 8:15 or something. but yesterday was a good day. im sad though. i really miss erin. i havent seen her since tuesday. and after seeing her literally everyday in the summer(except when she was in europe) its hard to not see her often. hopefully ill see her today sometime. ill call after im done writing this. i gotta clean sometime today or tomorrow. i need more money. i had lots but i spent it all on cds and food. so bad. i need to stop doing that. but i guess i was gonna spend it one cds anyway since i have a list of cds i really want to get. isaac was at the show. a cool fellow i must say. and smart. and sometimes i detect an overall wiseness not seen in many people. cool guy. angie and drew and lee fang showed up too. i decided that i dont like lee. oh well. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::i came up with an idea the other day in english class. i finally got fed up with all the ignorance and self importance and close-mindedness of the people at my school. and i realized that if there are that many people like that at my school alone, then the world is a fucked up place. i know its mean. but my goal is to be smarter. and be able to go up to someone, and say a few sentences about how its stupid to complacently wander through learning, and how they need to open themselves up to new ideas and better ways of living and interacting with people. and i want to make them realize just through my words, that i utterly despise them. but the goal would be not to make them feel stupid and leave them feelign that way. the desired outcome would be that they would realize and understand their ignorance and change their lives for the better. it sounds a bit self righteous as well but whatever. it just came into me head one day. and ive resolved to read more books. since i finish tests and quizzes fast and sometimes have no work, im going to read a lot of books in school and a lote more out of school. starting with dune and i want to read brave new world again. then i will go from there and just read. expand my vocabulary. better my mind. i want to think better and more decisive and more clearly. but enough of intelligence stuff. i think i wrote enough. there was more i wanted to write but i always forget some of the things i want to write in here. oh well. neat.

compact optical music disc of the moment: fairweather - alaska

SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

good old ben franklin

:::Csus9:::

so blogger is being shitty and slow and it sucks. but yeah school is...well its school. i have lunch at 10:45. then 4 and a half hours of classes wiht no breaks. what fun. my room is finally done being rearranged and cleaned. it only took like a week. memory loss sucks ass. i hate forgeting things this much. its been, 3 days. it seems so much longer. friday going to see fairweather adn soem other bands at joe's with steve and probably sarah. as for the rest of my week ill be doing AP chem work the whole time. and playing guitar and writing new shit. going to driving school sometime soon. that should be...interesting. need to write more. more music. need to sleep more. need rest. i got a slayer cd and a sum 41 cd yesterday. as well as a 144 cd holder thing. its bery handy to have all my cds in one place. i just better not lose it or ill die. drummer, bassist, guitarist wanted. bane will be my music of choice for the bus ride tomorrow. random tid bit. im so exhausted. but its all the time. maybe somethigns wrong with me. maybe i need to eat healthier. im gonna start excercising everyday. and making myself healthy. i figure itll cancel out the unhealthy things i do. i can feel intelligence filling me up again. although i do have some moments of non-claity where nothing makes sense. its odd. no more getting pushed around. assertive. headstrong. respectfully defiant. random. sleep. now. good night and good luck with all.

music: the 60 cycle hum of the computer in front of me

puzzling: the evaporation of milk and apples

i didnt even know it was possible to evaporate milk but i guess maybe. but an apple?? i was thinking it was ike takign all the water out of it, but that's dehydrated. i dont know. if anyone has any clue, please tell me. so im tired. i rearranged my room. that was cool. still not quite done. gotta move the chair, and clean up a little more debris then ill be all well and good. school tomorrow. i dont really care either way. it'll be a nice change. oh well. i just gotta get up early. thats waht i dont want to do. meh. sleep.

and it all came free

well i just got back fomr the brand new/taking back sunday show. it was pretty good. small venue. i was so very tired. most of brand new's set is all a blur of fatigue and hunger. it was still an excellent show though. i finally cleaned my fish tank so now its not all green and you can actually see through the water. i chilled with andrew today for a bit while he packed. he's gonna let me use his speaker cabinet until i can get the $200 to buy it from him when he comes back for thanksgiving. its soooo awesome. so now i have a bass half stack in my room, and a speaker cab, and 2 basses, 2 guitars, and an acoustic. and me. its packed. so i thionk tomorrow im gonna blast the converge and rearrange my room a bit. maybe itll be cool. i dont know. we'll see. hm. i think thats everything. im too tired to explain more and think of anything. good night.

the green apple says "Fuck you Red!!"

everythings fine. everythings chill. im tired and hungry. gotta eat and sleep so i can get up at 8 am tomorrow..ugh...oh well i can go back to sleep at 9:45 or somethng. problem: getting to the brand new/taking back sunday show in baltimore tomorrow. solution??

FUUUUUUCCCCCCK!!!!

that post is too bitchy...nevermind...

August 17th FREE SHOW FREE SHOW
3:15PM-10:00PM
where:
509 Linthicum Street
Rockville, MD 20851

(not far from rt 355)

bands:
Thrillhouse
At Best
Time Out of Line (5ish)
Vanderbilt
Visions of Cody
June Decision
Absolom
The Travesty

:::the disection and subsequent consumption of an orange:::

'i am my own super hero,
i am my own breaking branch,
cut the branch to fit my life
its my turn to be the saw'

im here alone and bored listening to the EVR/Doghouse sampler i got at the warped tour. its really good. no badness inside of me. today was fun. tiring. im tired. im lazy. need money. need to drive. need to recuperate for a few days and rest and eat healthy. fruits veggies and all good things. must replenish intelligence. im nothing without my mind. im nothing without my music. but luckily i have it. my mind is slowly coming back. thankfully. today was good. some new bands to check out.....-> coheed and cambria, the all-american rejects, favez, the rocking horse winner. awesome shit. check it out. download it burn whatever the fuck you want. listen.

what's penetrating my ears at the moment: the rockign horse winner - miss you

??..........mean........inconsiderate......kind.........faceless..........empty..........warm.........loving........... tearing......... teasing......taunting.......... questioning............. disbelief............love..........hate........... compassion..........comfort......... insomnia.......self-destruction......rock star....... twisted....... fake?......... forever........ detatched......... despise....... concealer......... confusion.........pity.......worthless.......endless...........boredom.........hide..............run............dodge........together..........ignore.........be ignored........... pain........ paint........ decay..........joy.......sew.......flower.......unsure............random words that seem to spill out of my head yet i dont know why or where they came from........some good, some bad, some confusing. i dont know...maybe ill know soon. i hope. oh well.........im sure it will

oh yeah, i got converge jane doe, and fairweather, (haha i know im liek two years late, fuck it)....and lots of free shit.

the warped tour was so fucking awesome!!! i saw thursday, alkaline trio, NOFX, reel big fish, new found glory, death by stereo. i got the new foudn glory set list when chad(guitarist) threw it off the stage. it was a totally awesome day besides the fact that i got really bad sun burn. reeeally burnt. ah well it was worth it. now im at erins and i have a show sometime today in cottage city. ill have to figure out how im gonna get there. i guess i'll get a ride from andrew at some point hopefully. well for now im gonna go eat and rest adn hopefully i'll get a hair cut at some point today. asta la pasta

so tomorrow is warped tour. but lets start from today. i woke up and hung out with someone allll day and watched all the star wars movies. quite excellent. it was super fun. then we walked to college park. oh god it is sooooo nice outside. but yeah today was super fun. and tomorrow is the warped tour. gotta get up at 9 to go to andrew;s house cos hes my ride. then friday, time out of line has a new show at the bionic man house. all the other plans got cancelled (the show in bowie on friday, practice today, and recording this weekend) i was kinda disappointed. but oh well. tomorrow is going to be fun. thursday, NOFX, new found glory, alkaline trio, MXPX, glassjaw, reel big fish and others. go here for complete list...bristow bands its gonna be great. blaze

so tomorrow is warped tour. but lets start from today. i woke up and hung out with someone allll day and watched all the star wars movies. quite excellent. it was super fun. then we walked to college park. oh god it is sooooo nice outside. but yeah today was super fun. and tomorrow is the warped tour. gotta get up at 9 to go to andrew;s house cos hes my ride. then friday, time out of line has a new show at the bionic man house. all the other plans got cancelled (the show in bowie on friday, practice today, and recording this weekend) i was kinda disappointed. but oh well. tomorrow is going to be fun. thursday, NOFX, new found glory, alkaline trio, MXPX, glassjaw, reel big fish and others. go here for complete list... its gonna be great. blaze

hey hey....well im pretty damn tired although not as tired as ive been before. but i have a bunch of spaces for links to put in my blogger but i dont remember the ones i wanted to put in there...if anyone has any ideas at all. feel free to let me know

well time out of line practices on wednesday, show in bowie on friday, and possible recording our new songs maybe for a final album. itll be quite a fun week with other things coming up too. warped tour on thursday, tomorrow though i have to get up at 8:00 for an appointment with my social worker. its all good though good things will come of it. ill eat dinner wiht some cool people tomorrow. that'll be excellent. and hm...other than that im pretty booked for the next week. although i know i'll make time to see someone. and i need money desperately. so i can pay for warped tour, goldfinger on the 12, and taking back sunday and brand new on the 23rd. filled up month. i can prpabaly beg to borrow some money fomr my parents and pay them backl when i get some cash. i know people are gonna kill me for saying this, but i want school to come back. i want to skip school again haha. i want to learn. hopefully i will thiso year. oh well. its been a good day. started off kinda shake and unsure when i woke up at 8:30 and went to the dentist and he klled my mouth. it sill hurts. ah well it'll be better tomorrow. oh and thirty-7 practice was today, and we need to practice a lot more before we record around the 16th. i think we'll make a decent record. so long and thanks for all the fish.

well that last post can be ignored. i feel so much better. i felt a lot better after talkign to jeff about stuff. even though i didnt talk to him a lot about it he helped. and so did the 12 h ours of sleep i got. nice and energized. so yup. no more of those feelings :)

tell all my friends I'm dead, I'm leaving you, this time its for good, tell all my friends that I'm dead,it won't be long before you forget my name. can you tell that I'm losing myself? I think I'm trying too hard to let it show, to let you know to trace your footsteps back to me
cus I've been gone for a long time waiting on the sidelines hoping for a chance to play, well I thought I would never leave anything behind. I also never thought I'd say...tell all my friends I'm dead, I'm leaving you, this time its for good. tell all my friends that I'm dead
it won't be long before you forget my name. can you tell that I don't know myself ? I need someone to remind me to let it go please let me know to trace your footsteps back to me. and if I had the chance to do it all again I wouldn't expect anything less. and if I had the chance to do it all again I wouldn't expect, I wouldn't expect anything less tell all my friends I'm dead I'm leaving you, this time its for good, tell all my friends that I'm dead, it won't be long before you forget my name

forget my name


well i might as well be dead. fuck it. i hate being this tired cos i get so fucking depressed. i know i should go to bed but i also know i wont bve able to sleep. might as well forget my name. no one's going to remember me anyway. i have no future. sure i can play 'ok' music. but that wont get me anywhere. its too highly unlikely that ill make it. i hate being like this. i hate my parents. i hate this fake lonliness i feel. this fake feeling of being left out. even though its my fault. i should just sit in my house all day and do nothing. maybe then id never feel sad. maybr if im dead i wont be sad. hm that might work. aaah. fuck everything. i hate clenching thsi safety pin pondering what it could do to me. too much shit going on. but in reality its probably some stupid shit and its really nothing. once i sleep i know ill be better. and i know its all just cos im so fuckin exhausted. but ugh its some shit. stupid concussion making me have to stay up all night. well i did get sleep. but i did too many things that make me exert myself. like tryign to skateboard and sucking horribly at it. alone forgotten unneeded dismissed ignored bullshit fuck it all...

"why we are us, i just dont know"

apparently it doesnt matter whether its www or not. they both work.

things are pretty good. went out at 5 this morning to go to lake artemesia and take pictures. i just stayed up until 5. i am soo tired now though. even though after i got back form the lake i slept for a while until liek 2:30. good times being lazy. then i played video games at erins then went to college pakr and ate food and swung on swings. i was bored for a little but not too bad. i dont get bored too easily. i was tired. but yeah then things got a little more interesting then i went home. and now im here typing this. im gonna play video games a little later. itll be fun. i must depart now. farewell ye

oh, im thinking aobut adding a 'www.' to the beginning of my blogger address. i dont know if i will. but if i do, i'll post the date it will become effective. give me your comments and 'vote' (simply say which you prefer. or if you dont care whatever)

goddamnit i hate getting those chain IMs. its some shit. i never even read any of them. if i see a long message and a 10 or greater number i delete it cos i know what it is. so if youre reading this, dont send me one. but aanyways. im tired. i had a big day. im eating. i was thinking the other day. that i dont really think about things that much anymore. i dont feel as smart or as educated as i want and/or used to be. i wish i was smarter and formulated more opinions that i had facts to back them up with. or just opinions period. i mean i have lots of them. but i dont know its hard to explain. i just dont feel as smart as i would like. 1190 on the psat isnt good enought damnit. i really should read more. but im usually too busy. and its hard for me to read when im tired. i either dont follow the story or my mind wanders off. i seem to only be able to read during the school year. but i supposed ranting about it in here wont help. then again i have nothing better to do at the moment so why not? i think this next show with time out of line will be my last. mostly because the guys are leaving to college in maine. one memeber will stay but hes got another band. and i dont seem him all that much now anyway. so i doubt i will later. practice last sunday was fun. good songs. but we fought on sunday as well. it sucked. i guess it is true what you said, no one cares about it anymore. at least not enough. well its going to be over soon. if we get more shows i guess i'll have to play. as long as shit goes right and members dont forget songs then it'll be all good. i dont want to feel embarrassed. i hate it. and shit always seems to be going wrong at our shows. someone's mic or amp doesnt work. or the drums are out of tune. or the crowd is a bunch of stupid hardcore scenesters who want to beat people up. and think oh this band is in high school they must suck even though 3/4 of the band is out of high school. hardcore sucks. its gotten distorted too much. i dont know. this band carries with it a sort of bad luck with it. somethings always creating drama. oh well. it was a hell of a lot of fun. i miss the early days. other than that ive been writing lots of music. most just me fucking around and cool shti coming out. and i got new guitar strings. theres nothing better than brand new fresh guitar strings. the clarity and tone and sustain. its magnificant. everything sounds soo spectacular with new strings. i play chess online a lot nowadays. its fun. i win aobut half the time. win two lose two. about that. im getting better. im glad. cos chess is something i relaly enjoy and id hate to suck at something i love to do. just like when i play guitar and i cant write anything good and i get depressed because i love playign guitar and it sucks to be unable to do the thing you do best. but now thats over and things are great yet again. saw reign of fire last night. its not a bad movie at all. i liked it quite a bit. i recommend seeing it if you like fire and dragons and tough matthew mcaughnaheay or whatever the fuck his name is. for now i must depart. farewell....