sad....converge and hatebreed are playing at the 930 club tonight. i want to go. too late now i guess. oh well. maybe ill go see saves the day when theyu play the MCI center with green day and blink 182. thatll be interesting. the stryder has a new cd coming out soon and theyre gonan play sometime. theyre good. i woke up from a nap a little bit ago and i had a mad urge for some bane. to my horror, it was no where to be found. i searched over and over. then realised itd help to turn on a lamp. still no cd. moved stereo stand thingy. mirror fell on my head. ouch. still no cd. oh wait. its in my disc man. damn im slow. i never took it out when i went on break. silly me. well i got it and now im listening to it. what a coincidence. orgasmic. soooo good. i love bane. i wish st andrews still had shows. i saw bane like 2 or 3 times there. my frist show was at st andrews with bane, good clean fun, and atom and his package. such a good show. i miss shows. i want to play one. time out of line needs to get of their (our) asses and get some shows. we're lazy what can i say. sleeping definately put me in a better mood. good old naps. im getting new shoes soon. and new pants tomorrow hopefully. and hopefulyl tomorrow ill get to do some cool stuff wiht someone. i hope it works out this time. i gotta practice for java head tuesday. i think ill play a song. itll be funness. it all comes down to this. strong v. weak. where are you? who will crush you? who will you crush? can you survive alone in this world? do you know this too will pass? it all comes down to this. be ready

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking
together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

this bitter pill is leaving you with such an angry mouth

what the hell am i supposed to do when you tell me you still love me? am i supposed to flip my whole life upside down? and you try to blame me and say thigns to try and hurt me. hell yeah im bitter. i got hurt. you wanted to be friends. so i got over you fast as i could. now youre mad cos i dont love you anymore. and mad at how fast i got over everything. well its your fault. dont ever fucking blame me. jealous cos im happy without you. well you shouldve thought of all this a month ago. too bad. angry words from a quasi angry person, annoyed.

but anyways. on to happier things. im hungry. thast happy right?

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

the baby ducks play with geese. is the water clean?

today i didnt really do much until later. woke up. ate. cleaned. ate. then i was sad cos i had made plans sorta but then they fell through so i didnt get to see my special person. then my friend jesse called and wanted me to come to his house. so i did and a bunch of people were there and we went on a picnic at buddy attick lake or something. we played football and sat around. it was quite fun. jesse, andrew, erin, kenny, laura, lauren, christa, jeff. so many cool people. fun times. i really need to get my learner's permit. i need to drive myself places. im way too lazy. i couldve got it in january. ill be 16 soon and i havent got my learners. oh well. ill get it soon enough. im really tired. stomach feels kidna weird. like hungry but not. hmm. oh well. i can barely think straight. i think ill go cos i have nothing more to say. the exacto knife rids my pants of dematha.

"One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing
your feelings." - Sue Patton Thoele

im hoooooome!!! i made it. 65 or so miles. from harper's ferry to georgetown and then the zoo to get picked up. i almost fell into the canal like 3 times. damn tiredness. ill put up a nice little time line of our trip.

11:45 thursday - riding begins fomr harper's ferry. we go down the towpath which is a dirt path at this point. we rode through knoxville. nice little coal town. there were so many trains goin. it was awesome. all the little towns we went through in western maryland and their coal days are really interesting. then i think we rode through brunswick. not really sure.

4:20 - arrive at the catoctin river aqueduct and need to go 4 miles to reach our campsite. it was the most physically tryign thing in my life. going 3 miles when you cant possibly go another inch is the hardest thing ive ever done.

5:30 - arrive at the campsite. tired. cant move at all. have to set up camp fire, food, and tent. we got it done. ate some nice ramen noodles. pop tarts. then more ramen later. legs rubbery.

7:30 - sleep was hard to come by. the ground was all bumpy and it was freezing all night. got some sleep. kept singing alkaline trio and dashboard songs over and over in my head. thought about sarah a lot. fun. tired. sleep.

6:30 friday - the explorers wake with the sun. we got some breakfast together. i couldnt feel my feet for a while. we made breakfast and soon realised we were out of food and water. go us. we decided to boil some potomac river water. we're not dead yet so it wasnt all bad.

8:30 - were back on the trail. rididng. its cold. no water. next stop great falls 15 miles away. tired. pumps dont work. still no water. have to fix bike. things coming loose.

10:30 - we reach great falls. 15 miles with 3 maybe 4 5 minute stops kinda put me in a mini stupor. i wasnt really thinking. just pedalling. the last few miles to great falls were hell. i could barely keep going. i acquire water and bought a hot dog and a pretzel cos i was daaamn hungry. after eating we walked around the place a bit. then locked our bikes to soem trees near the water and climbed the rocks. we went pretty high and got a really good view of the rapids. it was pretty.

11ish - back on our way. another 15 miles to home. lactates increasing. nice people on the way encouraging us "20 miles left to go." it was nice. sweat. hot.

1ish - we enter dc. 8 miles to go. im happy. adrenaline is keeping me going. i see a mile post and i have to speed up to see how far it is. even though i still have the last mile number in my head. riding down towards georgetown with the wind in your face is horrible. it is quite difficult. sun. hot. tired.

2:00 - FINISH!!!! we finished and collapsed. well at least i did. we had to carry out bikes up a lot more stairs than i expected. damn heavy bikes packed with supplies. i tried calling sarah when we finished but she wasnt home. sunburn hurts. it burns, whatdya know? we got two snickers bars each and ate those fast. then we had to ride to the zoo to meet andrew's mom to get picked up. soooo far. sooo tired. i made it eventually. packed up our stuff and drove home. got home around 4. showered.

now im home and chilling out. i was thinking on the trip and i decided that im gonna write a symphony based on a time out of line song. itll be awesome. maybe. ill try. my hair is down. was for the whole trip. i guess i like it. we'll see if i leave it like that. my triceps got all big. very sore. but bigger. my legs. damn my legs are like gone. my feet were numb for a lot of the trip. the trip was incredibly fun. so much beautiful landscape. river. forest. tunnles. bridges over rivers. sunny.
i didnt have music for like 2 days straight. now i have it and im feeling like nice and high. the good high. music is the best thing in the world. remember, do not push the back of the dump truck.

there are things that used to make me smile, one of them was you for just a little while. you left me for dead so far away. i replaced you with fear and shame youll be happy on the day i die. there are things that used to make me laugh but now theyre deeply buried in the past. i left them so far away replaced my humor with my pain ill be happy on the day it dies. remember when i said i love you , well forget it i take it back. i was just as stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said. there are things that used to make you cry one of them was me for just a little while. why is it that you had to say goodbye in your own special way, you slashed the tires of my car. . remember when i said i love you , well forget it i take it back. i was just as stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said.

stupid kid

such a good song. i love alkaline trio. so good so good. ive been listening to them all morning, with saves the day in there here and there. i hope cookie dough doesnt go bad. cos im eating alot of it that i kinda just found in the back of my fridge. im gonna go to erins house with jeff and james and dye eggs. fun fun. i cant decide whether i should bike over there or not. i think i will. its not too far. then again crazy ass intersections. ah well. im off to chill. cascade is a fun word.

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
Jack Handey

rain on my hate of charades

alkaline trio. rain. friends. good. i jammed with andrew today and that was awesome. we just played random shit based on time out of line songs. we wrote some crazy off the wall stuff that was actually pretty good. then i sat around my house waiting for 7:00 to roll around. i went to record exchange and got the alkaline trio cd i wanted. then i went to java head, but it was closed. adn nobody else was there. then it really sucked when it started pouring fucking all over me. it was cold and wet. and you think id be mad, but im not. i dont really care. i got nothing better to do. theen erin called fom andrew #2's house and i moseyed on over there. it was fun. lots of cool people. theyre awesome friends people. and they play guitar adn theyre all really cool. i cant stress enough how cool they are. haha. but yeah then i came home. and im here and tired. wondering where certain people are. ill wait up for them to get back. or maybe ill fall asleep first. im hungry too. i was thinking about it lately. the people i hang out wiht has flipped totally around in the past few months. it went from hardcore druggies, no future, to really awesome people, no drugs, just rock n roll. super fun people to hang out with. i dont know. goodness all around. and as for now im off to bed, to sleep. rest is good. farewell and goodbye, icy hot is nice

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. - George Orwell

there's a half eaten oreo in my lap looking at me funny

well now, life is picking up. its moving faster. im moving faster. the road rushes by faster. my heart bruises the inside of my chest as i make myself vulnerable for the first time in close to 10 months. happiness runs down my face. the risk was well worth it. 100 times over it was worth it. i dont care about anything else right now except her. damn its wonderful. oreos, saves the day, root beer. all i need to get through. spring break is here and its great. today was the first day technically, and i didnt do as much as i wanted to but i accomplished alot more than i expected. i fell down my stairs. a side effect of biking like 25 miles and then trying to walk down my stairs. oh well, im gettin all nice and in shape for my trip. fun fun fun.
does my existence depend on other people? as far as theyre concerned, i, as well as the rest of the world, have ceased to be when they die. the same for me. when i die, the rest of the world to me ceases to be. maybe i live on in my own dimension all to my self. or maybe i go with other people to a pre-determined dimension. i have no idea. this thought really confused me today. i think when i die, as far as im concerned i'll still exist, but the rest of the world will have disappered. and all ill have left will be my dreams and memories, all come to life. maybe ill be able to relive my life over again, knowing how everything turned out. i think itd be an awesome occurence if my life after death consisted of living out my dreams. id be kinda scary cos ive had crazy dreams, but i couldt die. so itd be all good. i guess ill see what its like eventually. so long adn thanks for all the fish

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. - Gallagher

cascade of rock

well me and andrew did some more biking today. not nearly as much and not nearly as far, but a good distance and it was good to get get us used to a lot of biking. we also bought the rest of the food stuffs we require to sustain us on our trek. i sat anad stared out my window a lot today. just looking. not at anythign in particular. i was thinking just about how my life changed so drastically in the past month, and the past 9 months. everything has changed. my friends ive found new, my thoughts ive bettered, cleared, and evolved into a more level reasoning interspersed with some logic. its wonderful. im still working on my own personal satisfaction however. im doing very well if i do say. its tough though. at least for me, who never usually voices his opinions. im starting do it a lot more. and it makes things incredibly more interesting when 75% of things arent agreed upon. ive been learning really awesome guitar songs lately, ones that i can sing too. my voive is gettin to the point where i actually like it or dont mind it as much. this is great cos now i can play songs at the java head up in college park. its so great to play in front of people. and when they like it, its a nice little high you get. if i plauyed an arena concert right now id prolly die of an overdose of rock. hahaha. thats my goal in life, to play a concert in front of a sold out arena in a rippin rock band. i could die happy after that. well im off to make my spaghetti. live long and prosper with your endeavors of self-preservation

lactates are the bane of my existence

me and andrew did a little planning and gethering of materials today. then we decided to ride out bikes around a little to warm up and what not. so we did and ended up going like 17 or 18 miles at about 10-12 mph. it was fun as shit but now my legs are all wobbly. i gotta get in better shape before goin 30 miles ina day. we were resting on this bridge on the path adn all of sudden somebody starts screaming hysterically. we thought someone died. then we realised that we were near a golf course. so either someone was being brutally murdered or got a hole in one, you be the judge. well i got back and made me some mac and cheese and now im goin for a nap. peace out suckas

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
Albert Einstein

i want to go see resident evil today. i tried a week ago but we couldnt get in cos of the damn rated R crap. then we tried to sneak in but it was sold out so no seats. everybody else has seen it. maybe ill see if andrew wants to go or something. ive decided my course plan for college: nuclear physics, quantum physics, philosophy, and audio engineering. haha yeaah right. like ill ever be able to take quantum and nuclear physics. mayeb erin will want to go see it today or tomorrow, ill ask her as well. i want to do something today. i dont want to end up sitting at my house all day. ive been learning a shit load of dashboard songs cos theyre fun. and i wanna get an alkaline trio cd. ill be gettin some money today. i should do chores. crap. well im off to cleanse my humble abode, have ye a merry time

well im back from the party. it rocked quite hardly. i was jamming with some dudes i didnt know, but they were cool m despite playing wrong rythms for RATM songs they were awesome guys. then i played some songs for erin and some other people. and theeeen i played guitar with andrew's band and it as fun as shit. like the old days of playing basement shows filled with people dancing. it felt great. theeeeeeeen we played some more and me and andrew and jesse played some songs, dashboard and alkaline trio for the peeps that were there. sigh. good times. it was a very very good night. im glad i went. it wouldve been better if i had been able to spend the night but ill have to fight with my parents about it some other time. hmm lets see....im very tired, therefore i will go to bed and sleep there until i wake. it shall be a prudent move. i bid ye farewell, and a night of dreams that move you to all....have a good night.

"now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God. the argument gos soemthing like this: 'i refuse to prove that i exist,' says God 'for proof denies faith, and without faith i am nothing.' " 'But' says man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isnt it? it could not have evolved by chance. it proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own argument you dont." - Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

capillary action

im being pulled along by life and its current. im just taking all this shit being thrown at me, keeping to myself much more, tryin to figure things out. im free to do pretty much whatever i want and whoever i want ; ) ; ) haha...yea well im just goin along. nothing sepcial. living, dreaming, thinking, looking for new relationships and people to correspond with. reading alot more. looking at the stars, looking at my fish, and wondering about them. are they there? i know i know very matrix-esque,but oh well...i think im goin to a party tonight. a 4 way birthday party, itll be fun maybe ill play them a song for their birthday or something. we'll see.....turn up your brightness.......

mmmm bane...........with a side of slayer and dashboard for dessert.....

how did i not know that your words meant less than dust and were born of an idea that you had heard but having nothing in common with truth or with trust everything that you swore so quickly snatched away and me left without a heart and nothing to hold onto but still so much to feel while my house burn down you didn’t bring water but gasoline and all i ever hated rose right up and bled through you now i can only regret every moment that we spent every second we shared only makes matters worse for i have seen the truth behind the sparkle in your eyes i finally see the ugly behind your pretty disguise now i can’t stop wishing that you have never even looked my way and you have the nerve to ask me why why the fuck did you tell me about magic and then show me the strings why did you whisper that your heart was in my teeth when that was the first place that you kicked me as i lay helpless on the ground yes all that once was has turned to the blackest of hate instead of wishing you the best i will be rooting for you to fall as i learn the most painful lesson of all that a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie i don’t give a fuck how pretty its disguise - BANE

"i think therefor i am" Descarte

jolity

This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm pretty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering the house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do.

So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me.

im gonna play that song at java head next tuesday....good ol saints and sailors. or maybe ill play ender will save us all. two of my favorite songs. im tired and need to rest badly. i just have so much to do though. ill just put it off for a while cos i seem to be good at it. i suppose its a good talent. ah well, ive been playign guitar almost constantly learning all these dashboard songs. ive also been thinking about philosophy alot, and that pesky nuclear fusion. im reading more now. im loving all this freedom and time that seemed to magicly appear. doin crazy shit all the time. its fun. life rocks. at the moment. it might not around the corner but as for now its kickin ass. i wonder what crazy philosophical problem ill solve halfway next.....maybe where do babies come from.haha...drugs sex and rock n roll baaaby

the meaning of life went down the drain of my shower

ive found the meaning of life. more or less. ill start off with the most elementary.

the scientific meaning of life lies in the reproductive organs. in science’s eyes, we are here solely to pass on our genes to keep our species going. we’re just animals mating, doing our best to beat out natural selection. doing a little too well. killing off all the other species on the planet seems to be the only way we can win.

the religious meaning of life is largely determined by the religion you follow.
cristian’s meaning of life is to live as Christ would have lived, based on the scripture. they live so they may live eternally with their god. base their lives on a book. base their ideas and thoughts on that book. never formulating their own. the promise of eternal salvation gives them meaning in life.

hindus are born into a particular caste that they cannot escape from except reincarnation on a higher level. they too follow ideas thousands of years old and base their ideas on them, refusing to think outside the sanskrit.

the same is true for most of the other religions of the world. they allow themselves to be controlled by a book and refuse to live. a book dictates their lives to them keeping them from formulating their own ideas about life, however voluntary it is. most religious people only live for their salvation promised to them in ancient "holy" books. they no longer dream the dreams they want and need to, they dont think the thoughts they want or need to. they live for something they cant see and ignore their basic needs to truly live. no formulation of their own thoughts or beliefs. i have grown to loathe religion with a passion. however, i still hold it with the utmost respect.

now the meaning thats a tad more “universal” if you will. i believe the meaning of life is largely individual-specific, but i have found more to it. however ironically or paradoxically, the meaning of life is to live...to make relationships with fellow people, to learn, to think, to wonder, to dream. i also think we are just simply here. not put here by any one in particular. but while we are here there are things we must do, things we need to do to have meaning and to live. we need to dream and wonder and think. thought gives us meaning. without thought we would not even be a person. your “self” would not exist. the relationships we share with other minds aid our intellectual growth and increase our thought. dreams are our unconscious thoughts. we access our thoughts in our sleep and play them out as pictures and sounds, as if they were real experiences. without these, life would have no real meaning. you must live as you want to. you must not live as someone else directs you. if you chose religion or science, that is your choice, and that is your meaning. happy living. my brain is fried.

"It's always helpful to learn from your mistakes because then your mistakes seem worthwhile."
Garry Marshall

atomic theory and the collision of matter and antimatter

today was cold an wet. i had to stand out in the rain for like 40 minutes beacause my bus was late. and because of that my feet were wet the entire day. they werent even dried by the time school let out. not cool not cool. the bike trip i was goin on is now shortened to about 60-70 miles or something. harper's ferry to georgetown however far that is. but we figured that we're soo not in shape for 185 miles in 5 days. we'll prolly do the whole thing sometime in the summer. i really want to do that. ive finally kicked my cold/sinus infection that ive been dealing with for the past week or so and im overjoyed. sickness is hell. ive decided to make it my life's work to create and harness the power of nuclear fussion. i really doubt id be able to do it and then theres the fact that im not goin anywhere near quantum physics in my planned audio engineering/rock star studies. or maaaybe i will. that could be fun. haha oh well. itd be great to just sit back one day and figure it out. haha like its that easy. time out of line is having a reunion show sometime soon most likely. ive heard the 27th of april tentatively so we'll have to see. for now ill play guitar in my room and find the meaning of existence. big plans for a semi-small guy.

It requires more courage to suffer than to die.
—Napoleon Bonaparte

detestation

well lets see, my day started off kinda crappily. i was really tired but im feelin a little better. in firts period i wrote this thing about god and how i hate it/him. its kinda unorganized and what not. mostly just me rambling about my strong distrust, perturbation and abhoration with the church. maybe ill post it later, along with my piece on anarchy. well i think i finally fixed my archives. it was actually really easy so i now i feel a little slow. i was filming this middle school chorus concert that was goin on in my school's auditorium. this girl that i kinda know, but not her name, comes up to me and starts talkin to me and hittin on me a lot. it was a little weird just cos i really have no idea who she was, but she kept saying how cute i am and how hot other people said it was. so overall it was a fairly "productive" encounter. ah well. well i found yesterday that my bike trip on the C&O tow path is actually 185 miles. itll be so much fun. im so boosted right now. its gonna be beautiful. im gonna be riding on the trainer all week exceot for friday, maybe not thursday, so i can get in shape.

"We are all born mad. Some remain so."
Samuel Beckett

meaningless strife

well im tired. im feeling better but tired.i didnt raelly have an eventful day. i havent had a chance to think about much lately just cos ive been really busy and sore and tired and sick. thankfully spring break is coming soon and i can rest. of course the resting will come after i get back fomr my 150 mile bike trip. ah well. maybe ill get some profound thougts later on tonight.

blogger is fuckin up with my archive crap and its pissin me off...

Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess

i really like that quote........
well im still sick. i think i have a sinus infection or something and itd better go away or ill kick it. i had band practice today at like 10:00 in the morning. it was weird. good practice but just way too early. i was gonna goto church but i didnt feel good but i haaave to goto band practice. it makes me have meaning. and its always fun to rock out with these guys ive known for most of my life. now im gonna sit around the around the rest of the day and eat and play video games and sleep. i think im gonna go eat some food now.

I was the accuser, God the accused. My eyes were opened and I was alone -- terribly alone in a world without God and without man. - Elie Wiesel

random thing i wrote [12 Dec 2001|09:07pm]


i woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this...then went back to sleep...

She sang his requiem as she stared off into the night, weeping, tearing at the earth, wondering. Wondering if she could ever love another as she loved him. the stars seemed to weep with her as they fell from the mid night air and melted with her tears, to form a stream in the upturned dirt. her best friend, her lover, stolen away from her by life’s evils. “Why” she asked, “why have you taken him from me!?” she screamed at the night, screamed his name. All the moments they spent, all the seconds they shared, sprung to life in her head. She saw his face, felt his breath, heard his voice, calm and soft, whispering in her ear. she turned to greet him but was met by emptiness. the man she loved was gone from all but her heart. she ran, ran as fast as she could, as far as she could. her weeping driving her on. the faster she ran the closer she could be to him. she ran and ran, not knowing where her feet carried her, until she stopped. she came to the place where His existence came to an end. she stared over the edge. stared at the night sky, singing his requiem, weeping. And finally, she let love pull her over the edge. She is now with the love of her life, never are they to be separated, only in life was that possible. But their separation from life brought them together. In life they learned to love...in death they live...in death they love...

Time wounds all heels. - Jane Ace.....................In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
—Cassius <--- the real quote of the day

this quoteis pretty relevant to my day. i wore my chucks that ive had for liek two years and they have no heals...so my heals hurt
but other than that the shoes are damn comfortable. i had lots of fun tonight. i went over to emma's house to chill wiht all kinds of cool people and we ended upo sittin on the roof of her garage and playign guitar for like 2 hours. it was incredibly fun and just beautiful. im so tired though. so much walking today. and so much thinking...exhaustion sucks and i suppose i should goto sleep but im not for a while. ive resolved to learn a good number of dashboard songs. hm....my day was pretty good comparitively. i had fun in like everythign i did. right now im just tired and im going to bed.....keep on truckin.....

"My life, my real life, was in danger, and not from anything other people might do but from the hatred i carried in my own heart" - James Baldwin

antithesis

i still dont know quite what i want. i have the constant instinct pushing me to reproduce, yet i dont want to be in a relationship. i want to be free for now. i dont want what i had for 8 months. it was one of the best experiences of my life but i dont need that right now. my mind is clearer than its ever been and i want to enjoy it and set my mind on the right track and analyze and utilize all my experiences. school in its nature, is tedious in its monotony. doing the same thing day in and day out allows my mind to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. school's never changing order is programmed in my head so thoroughly that i no longer need to think about where im walking.
i try to grasp all the thoughts that pass through my mind but i manage only to capture one or two per day. those thoughts roll over and over in my head and take most of my mental capacity. it's exhausting. thinking, resolving and figuring all day drains the energy from me. Even in my sleep i think. my dreams always have something to do with the object of my mind's obsession from that day. the one i entertained while algebra is being drilled into the other 1% of my brain used for school. when i wake im not rested and i regretfully pick myself up and start a "new" day. it is like all the others. i think my thoughts and pray for this world to end its cycle. i watch the weekend crawl towards me, carrying on its chimerical back, as of yet unscripted life and new experiences for me to analyze and utilize, and turn over and over in my head in the week to come. until my next ride on the back of the antithesis of my 5 days of waste, i will think.


oh....i got bored in class and.i figured out what E=mc squared is......E=345,960,000,000 (whatever you unit wish to measure energy with) per 10 grams.....if anyone wishes to correct me please do so.

well i finally got all my shit together. listening to AFI, feeling accomplished. i have a story kinda thing i wrote in frist period today and some other random shit i wanna put up here. but im gonna wait cos i put like 30 posts or something up today...

"welcome to the day that you opened your eyes so wide that it nearly took your life away and you are finally seeing all the things that you have been missing. could it really be that you have been so blind or just merely looking the other way. today the world comes into focus and the hardest truth that you have ever known grabs you by the throat. there never was a light at the end of the tunnel. the tunnel that you have been trapped in all these years. and one simple answer cuts down all of your questions and two and two well it suddenly makse five. and its a revelation that you can no longer hide from. you are falling sinking drowning burning in lies (there is nothiing left for you to hold onto). youve found a landmine wiht your foot and your world is about to flip upside down. falling lower than youve ever been. you will have to fight to ever get up again. its uglier than its ever been THIS WORLD but its yours now and you finally know what you are up against. its up to you to take it THIS WORLD you stick out your tongue and taste the rain because there will be no going home again. this is the hollow point the truth that youve been searching for all those long years. all that gorror that youve uncovered with you now and forever more the bullet that tears right through you leaves you broken scarred for life. all the lies your teachers told you, all the things your parents said. soaked through with gasoline. gun shots echo through your head. this world will run right through you this world will run you through." - BANE

You know, it’s not the world that was my oppressor, because what the world does to you, if the world does it to you long enough and effectively enough, you begin to do to yourself.
—James Baldwin

Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.
—Edward Teller

reversal [12 Mar 2002

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.
—J.R.R. Tolkien

so....ive been goin up to the java head....its tight as shit...all kinds of cool people roll up there and its super fun....i see sarah(daaamn sexy) erin(super hot) and katie(mondo babe).....the music is really good...i feel really free......i wrote something today in first period....im gonna type it once i find it...aight i finded it......I wasnt as happy before. A certain girl didnt really let me make my own decisions concerning some things....i know she'll read this and get mad possibly but whatever...I alwyas did what she wanted becausei knew she wouldnt have been happy with what i chose to do. wiht drugs, she said she didnt want me to do them, but i could, and shed stop loving me. i never really got a true reason or opinion that i felt mattered. look what happened, she doesnt love me anymore anyways. i dont love her anymore. i stopped loving her a long time ago but i denied myself and my feelings. i didnt want to lose her. what we had was special. then it was gone and i strived for that feeling again, but it all but disappeared. losing her was a very good thing for me, and having her was a very good thing. ive matured greatly in the past 8 months. ive lost something good and gained somethign much better. ive gained my true friends from years past, and ive gained, life, happiness, and freedom. i dont yet know about drugs. I dont know if i want to or not. they were fun, but i dont want to do them all the time and be constantly fucked up like i once was. its just not something i really want to do. and this time its my decision and not someone else telling me im wrong all the time and i shouldnt do anything she doesnt approve of. they talk all day about how they wish the day would end so they can go get fucked up. they talk all day about how they wish the summer would come so they can be fucked up all day everyday. i dont anymore. i wait for school to end so i can go home and play guitar. i wait for the year to be over so ill be that much closer to AP courses, and challenging my intellectual abilities. i need challenge in my life. i need freedom and ive found it finally....im happy....i have no regrets in the last 8 months...im finally me....im finally who i want to be and not worrying about how someone else might perceive me.....peace

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us is nothing compared to what lies within us. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

yea....crap [10 Mar 2002|10:22pm]


the tears burn tracks down my cheeks. im crying for you, for me and my lost and broken life. im not who i am...i dont know who i am what i want or what i need. i walk through halls staring blankly at the walls thinking endlessly, praying no one will bother me. secluded in my own mind. people talk and i hear and i respond but theyre distant. im distant , thinking one thing and speaking words that i dont have to think about. they just appear. i push everyone away, push away reality. leave my life alone and sit alone in my head. caught up in all thast happening around me...taking it in. all the overwhelming shit pounded into me by peopel striving for their own gain. i need to leave myself alone...they need to leave me alone. i want to be alone. not with idiots who enrage every sense in me...

good ol dashboard lyrics... [10 Mar 2002|05:59pm]
I'm always assuming the worst, but you're going on nonetheless and there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away keep pulling me close to home.
And there is something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for longer good-byes embracing for forever and falling in your eyes.
Pouring over photographs. I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and I can't be without that scent.
It's filling me with all you mean to me.
Continually failing these trials but you stand by me nonetheless and you won't let me sink though I'm begging you.
Phone calls from further away and messages on my machine, but I don't ever tell you this distance seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart, with useless space.
These roads go on forever. They'll always be a place for you in my heart.
So I'll hit the pavement its got to be better than waiting and pushing you far away cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances and head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

[10 Mar 2002|05:15pm]

A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent. - William Blake

well....yesterday i went to a show at the U of M...it was good the chase played and they rock so hard....then on the way home i sat in nabean's lap and we were rockin out makin people in other cars think we were having sex..it was funny...then we were drumming and we both did the exact same fill at the exact same time...it was cool....i dont know....then today i went to church and played a song for the yruu's service...i think i did ok but the hard thing was like....i wrote it for a very special girl that..yeah....well she happened to be sitting right in front of me when i was playing. it was difficult to not cry to say the least....i was concentrationg so hard on not crying that i forgot two lines to the song....its all good though...im feelin better about stuff so yeah. then today i went to practice and we rocked ass hard...then we went to college park adn got some cds....i got dashboard and slayer...excellant mix huh?...and i gto super mario world.. the fuckin best game in the world..haha im gonna be up all night playing it....well im gonna go drink some milk so i can get all healthy and buff....haha right....

[09 Mar 2002|12:01pm]
Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess

quote of the day... [09 Mar 2002|11:54am]

Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly. -Sir Francis de Sales

[07 Mar 2002|11:03pm]


i end up sittin around thinkin about all the stuff i gotta do and when and how im gonna do it adn who its gonna effect and shit and never do it...
but i have alotta stuff to do.....and way too much to think abuot all at once...
i just wait for the day to be over so ill be closer to playin guitar....and the year is a little shorter so i can take AP classes....i wonder if ill ever amount to anything so important as a rock star, audio engineer, or record store owner...music is my life and blood, if my life 10 years down the road had no music anywhere, where would all these years have gone? would they all be wasted? what were they for? i wont let that happen. i will make it...if i dont well i might as well just sit back and fall endlessly towrads meaningless...well im tired and im gonna write the rest of this song ive been workin on for the past few days....ill make it in this world....even if it means pissing people off...

[07 Mar 2002|11:03pm]
xPotatoAssaultx: and dude, just keep your head up, and keep your priorities straight, and make sure you never stop challenging yourself, peace

smart man........fuckin smart ass man........smartest i know....

[04 Mar 2002|06:34pm]


so...ive decided that im gonna get an eyebrow ring....and grow me some dreds....ill prolly forget about my hair for a while and cut it....but ima try not too....hmm i had an ok day..im cold....

feelin better.... [03 Mar 2002|05:12pm]


well...yesterday i had a lot of fun....i went to erin's house and that was cool cos i havent seen erin in a long ass time....i gave her and lauren backrubs for a while and now my arms are damn tired...its all good....two sexy backs ; ) ; )...haha....today i had band practice and that was rockin as shit. we finished our new song and its really good and it was an overall rockin time....annie and isaac came by and chilled with us and went to college park to eat and chill with us.....then i got a millencollin cd which im listening to right now....

shit [28 Feb 2002|10:17pm]


well, i had a damn crappy night....my girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me....she fell out of love with me she said....well i guess thats life and ill have to deal with the shit it brings....8 motherfuckin months....they were pretty damn happy....i dont got very many regrets....i just wish like always it wouldve lasted....im doing much better than i expected. but when i goto bed, im gonna cry and cry and play guitar until i bleed.......well ill get over it i always do, but this time itll be super long....this girl was the best thign thats happened to me in a long ass time....im gonna miss it....."good bye to romance, good bye to love" or maybe its love firts i dont know....in any case...im off to wallow in my lonliness and sadness....

[26 Feb 2002|09:02pm]
So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feeel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you'll look at me then.

good song for my sad mood [26 Feb 2002|08:58pm]
So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

[26 Feb 2002|08:55pm]
im goin to explode...theres just too damn much to do in life....too much to think about...all too many little things that matter all too much....it bothers me....and overwhelms me and i cant get any rest and im exhausted 24/7

[26 Feb 2002|08:48pm]
hey everybody....go here and read....its one of my best friend's and the smartest person i knows blogger....its damn insightful and philosophical

http://www.placeinthesun.blogspot.com/

dashboard confessional.... [24 Feb 2002|06:55pm]


this a good song....its really pretty nad it made me cry for like an hour last night...it reminds me of my past way too much...but its good cos im gettin over stuff...it still hurts and its been a loooong time. it seems like i should have gotten over it a while ago but it hurts still and it hurts even more when people dont respect that and try and rush me....it really doesnt help...buuut im feelin a lot better abotu stuff..


I heard about your trip.
I heard about your souvenirs.
I heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights,
and the cool guys that you spent them with.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

Don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service
to keeping you away.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. too late to be graciousand you do not warrant long good-byes.You're calling too late

this is a test i took today.....its sooo fuckin accurate its almost scary.... [19 Feb 2002|09:22pm]
You are striving for a life full of activity and experience, and perhaps what is even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time...it could be a satisfactory liaison...but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved...try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs...

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied...and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted.Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained...you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust no-body...until they can prove themselves to you.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a "trier" and indications are that you will .... as indeed you have in the past "bounce back".

"epic story" [29 Jan 2002|11:36pm]
Day after day, she wathces as her friends stare at the drifting clouds as she talks to them. They listen, but comprehension is a skill they have yet to learn. She would speak of a serious matter, ask a sincere question, that could never possibly warrant laughter. And they respond with a chuckle, and go on thinking their incredibly self-centered thoughts, believeing their response was appropriate.
Her words bounce off their clumsy excuses for heads and she watches in agony as they endlessly patronize her. They have no care for her. She is just one who does not matter to them at all, but they would gladly have her think it. She holds no prestige in their hearts, no importance in their minds. They view her as a steping stone with no worth, that would happily give itself to be stepped upon. She wished she wouldnt, but she knew no other way, no alternate path. The perfect altruist, made of other's needs, not of her own. She had put up the charade too many grueling years, gone too far from her original self that she no longer had any hope of knowing again who she really was. There is no doubt she has tried, repeatedly greeted by failure, to find her own mind in the void that is the masses' lives.
Every thing, every thought, is clouded by petty desires, clouded by lust and discontent with what is possessed. The best must be obtained at all costs, no matter whose poor soul is destroyed in the process. Unreachable things unrelentlessly distract the obsessed minds of the righteous and self-righteous alike. But once they are obtained, they lose their mystery and magnificence. They are discarded, left by the arogant being that cares only for themselves. The people beaten down are forgotten, past desires erased. All clouded over and deleted, paving the way for still more destruction of souls.
You cannot live purely for the good of others. Others do not care if youre hurt, they dont care about your past, present, and future. They will be the first to stop your speech and tell their story and best your life. Why couldnt her life be clouded? Why couldnt she care only for herself?
She watched, day after day, as the clouds surround and capture and entrance her friends. She searched around herself, on guard for clouds. All she saw was herself, and that is nothing more, than nothing...

platoon quote... [29 Jan 2002|11:16pm]
"Day by day, I struggle to maintain not only my strenght, but my sanity. It's all a blur. I have no energy to write. I dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore...there's alot of suspicion and hate. I cant believe we're fighting eachother when we should be fighting them. Counting the days, and the six inches in front of my face...not much else..."

new school year....but not [29 Jan 2002|11:09pm]

yeah, today was the first day of my new semester, and since all my classes are a semester long (block scheduling) i had all new classes. algebra 2 was first period. goddamn that class is dumb...its such a joke. im gonna try and test out of it. 2nd period is tv prod 2. soon we'll be doin editing shit on the computers and goin into the studio. im gonna edit together a music video with "platoon" scenes and cool shit like that. 3rd is chemistry. the teacher rocks. shes all bouncy and peppy and shes pretty nice but seems stern. itll be fun. 4th is german, which is awesome. ive seen way too many wwII movies and played way too many wwII based games. i know a good amount of the stuff the teacher says. overall i had a really good day. then galina came up to school and we walked around and ate subway....then i finished decorating my guitar case. its now complete.....and yeah im exhausted so im gonna roll out....piece.

a kid dynamite song time out of line used to play...the lyrics mean alot [25 Jan 2002|02:56pm]


"is now a good time to say that i'm sick of playin all your games with your head in a corner? I didnt walk away. If you're wondering why I said I'd be there to wipe the tear from your eye. Push me away. Tell me to stay. Can you imagine my confusion? Well I dont think you can. I asked, "whats up with you?" "Why cant you make up your mind?"
Caus it's the same sorry story everytime. Remembering just what you said to me. You said if I didnt want to that meant that I didnt have to. There was no reason for the both of us to feel like you do, but I didnt go away. Cause if I did youd blame it all on me. Thats the same old story. Remember when it didnt hurt, cause i refused to treat you like dirt? Can you imagine my confusion? Well I dont think you ever thought you could. Dont think I'll ever forget. " - Wrist Rocket

good sheryl crow song... [10 Jan 2002|08:50pm]

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

weird.... [02 Jan 2002|06:57pm]


so apparently today during third period, my cell phone called itself somehow. like an entire conversation i had with sean, maxx, danny, roger and jessie is recorded as a message. its so weird. i have no idea how that happened. and then it did it AGAIN! i can hear my teacher in the background reading people's thesis essay paper things we did. its funny. and wait......it did it AAAGAAIN!!!! i dont know what the hell is goin on....oh well....its kinda scary cos the thrid message...like its from sometime that i dont even remember happening...it might be of when i was at elsie's house today cos it sounds liek galina's there...but it also sounds like jeff...oh wait...it was at elsie's. im listening to it right now and i hear the conversation me and galina had with elsie about the length of galina's hair.......and she iiisssssss damn sexy with short hair....oo oo oo and there brotha's be hatin...hehe....im kinda scared cos i dont know why the hell my phone recorded my conversations but meh.......

[01 Jan 2002|08:24pm]


...she turned up the music ever louder to drown out her sorrows and extinguish her causticly pessimistic mindset. his mother despised her. she was "unworthy," not good enough to love or be loved by her son. his mother could not stop them from loving, but she could stop them from being near to each other, and she did just that. She crushed the hopes, and dreams, and deep love of two innocent hearts, who longed only for the company of the the other. and thinking this, she let sleep overcome her despair and hatred of this wrethced woman, and prayed she would not lose her love.
her dreams captivated her. he took her, and danced, round and round silently under the stars. moving to the beat of their hearts, feeling the other's warmth. nothing could touch them, love enveloped them and nothing else could manage its way into their minds. and so they dropped to the ground, filled with passion, the kissed and loved. they were as close as humanly possible, yet that seemed not enough. he picked her up and they walked that night to the bus station. they rode the bus as far as they could, they didnt care where it went as long as they were there, side-by-side, together.
slowly she awoke from this wonderful dream, to see him at her window in the middle of the warm summer night, calling to her. she went with him. they danced, held in eachother's arms, made love in the soft grass, and arrived at the bus station. they boarded the next bus in. not caring where it went. as long as they were toghether. she pinched herself. this was her dream, yet it was real, they were leaving forever. and she smiled, letting the words flow off her lips to his ear. "I love you" she said. "I though you were gone forever, I thought our love was shattered beyond a billion pieces, I thought of this night, I dreamt this night, and this night came.....I love you." she slept that night on his shoulder as the bus passed effortlessly along the dark road. and happily ever after they lived.....until she woke up...

im in a saves the day mood if you cant tell....... [27 Dec 2001|07:59pm]


"And I will flail under these lights that seep down from the bitter sky tonight
and I will kick and beat my wrists together and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.
Ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.
If I were king of this night, would you become my queen?
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
I'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down and walk on me and I'd just look on through my love and through the haze.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
The nightingales are singing now.
They're calling out our marriage to our subjects on their knees.
Their jewelery is thrown into the air.
They sigh at their release as their shackles hit the ground.
The trumpets call out now.
We're home at last.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go." -Saves the Day

[27 Dec 2001|07:57pm]


"As I'm talking my words slip to the floor
and they crawl through your legs and slide under the back door
rendering me freakish and dazed.
Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
So I'll go walking through the streets until my heels bleed
and I'll sing out my song in case the birds wish to sing along.
And I'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe.
Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
I'll make my way across the frozen sea, beyond the blank horizon,
when I can forget "you and me" and get a decent night's sleep.
Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
Don't shut me out." -Saves the Day

[27 Dec 2001|07:54pm]


"And now I finally see that the further we go we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note, or empty out your trash and buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
And I can finally see that the further I go I'm only treading ground that I don't wanna know.
I'll probably hang upside-down from wooden rafters in my home and look at old photos of you.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
I miss the warmth of the summer when we were on our own, but now it's winter and my bones are cold.
And now I finally see that the further we go we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note, or empty out your trash and buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy." -Saves the Day

prt 3? [17 Dec 2001|08:57pm]


“what,” she asked, “what is love?” she thought she knew once. there was a man she thought she knew, she thought she loved. should love have caused so much pain? should she put up with it? being beat senseless? should she take the pain? should she have to compete with his best friend for time to see her? she put in 110% and he did nothing. she loved him more than anything yet he seemed complacent to her feelings. she pretended not to care, pretended the pain wasnt really there. after all, she was in love, and if youre in love, your feelings dont matter one bit. she believed that horribly twisted idea. how could she put up with all this? she did everything she could so that she could see him, and he always said that they saw each other enough. she was starting to unravel. her heart was torn apart, burned by tears, tears of hate, and of the intense grief her soul brimmed with, almost overflowing. she knew she could barely keep it all together. she hated him. she despised everything he said. his voice brought an infuriating thrust of anger to her heart, and the taste of tears to her lips. only she knew how many nights her pillows were soaked by tears. only she knows why she still loves him. does she still love him? could she bear her insufferable burden any longer? could she love anymore in the face of his torment? she declared an end to her love. but she wanted to wait and hope her love returned. deep inside she dreamt of the day in which that feeling would leave. if she ceased her affection, he would not care in the slightest. she decided to make sure her love could never rear its ugly head again. if her heart stopped, she could not love. and thats exactly what she did. she stopped her heart. and as she closed her eyes, she closed her heart, and knew she would never love him again.

random story prt 2? [16 Dec 2001|03:11pm]


she dreamt of one time so long ago. they were together, staring off into the dark obsidian night, watched as the stars flickered in their infinite light. they talked of nothing, of silly things. it wasnt deep meaningful conversation, but their words ran deep within their hearts and they meant the world. it mattered not of what they spoke of. his voice, just to hear it, made joy well up from her heart, her heart that so truly loved him. his touch would make her tingle. and when she whispered “i love you” in his hear, he would hold her tight, as close as humanly possible. She prayed that the moment would never end. that he would be there forever. she could not hold back the smile. it felt almost unnatural. she awoke with tears streaming down her cheeks, she awoke with no one beside her. was it all a dream? it was a dream form long ago. he had been real, as real as can be, and she wished he wasnt. she beat her pillow, screamed at it, tore at it, cursed it and herself. she didnt want him to be real, for him to be real would cause her too much pain. she knew she could not bear it. she knew, she knew he was real. he was as real as ever he could have been. and he was gone. reality, mortality had stolen his precious life. why couldnt he stay a dream? she could have him in a dream. she could never lose him in a dream. but he was real. and his reality destroyed him. now he’s only a dream. and in dreams he lives, loved eternally.

well here it is....my new blogger janx...livejournal's being some suck...now i gotta transfer all my shit from there to here...gonna take a long ass time