you cry out as your face smacks hard against the cold pavement. You struggle to get to your feet and feel the thick blood oozed from your torn face. upon reaching your feet you lose all thoughts. there is no one around, nothing but the street lights and light rain misting the quiet inner city streets. what a life this has turned out to be. a life full of fantasy dampened by possessions. an idealist point of view restricted. you wonder where youre going, who will be at home to great you when you return, who will be your companion through and through. you cant live life. you cant experience anything. freedom provides for huge gains in experience. as you think this, you wander back to your hole in that wall, bleeding, broken, and with a new sense of what to do, but unable to. despair. fatigue. life fades away on your bed. distance yourself from reality. finally you never care. gone.

the A in ap chem made my day. and all my work isnt due on friday. the biggest part is due on monday. so i have lots of time to do it. coheed and cambria is the newest band of the moment. and ive gotten back into from autumn to ashes. even though i heard one or two songs a while ago and liked them a lot. oh well. both bands kick ass. hometown hero rips as well.

wait for... everything evil in you comes out
i'll stay when we'll only motivate sound instead sergeant
make for the table... in hopes that i won't be afraid again
call when enabled and send the leader out against... i will
stage a reenactment in a false pretense exist inflict
unworthy unconsciousness why debate when the actions suppressed then kill the acquitted
listen... to the sounds that remain in question in hopes... to solidify a truce
amongst the children and the jury
that stands the verdict alive here among the dead
evolve monstar show me the things that i've never wanted done
evolve monstar do to me the things i never wanted done

i i felt much better than this before
if they find out to avoid then the accidents kept hidden away
but if they stay...

blood hungry cannibalistic unfit family ties
in a series of knocks to the young girl's head side
come write me a letter and paste it on my refrigerator door
inspected inspector i think we've found something over here

jesse!!! just come look at what your brother did here he did away with me
stay until wednesday and write me a child-like letter pretending
at war here in thursday let's make this our last day at home by the fence

would you run...? would you run? would you run down past the fence...?
and she screamed claudio, dear claudio
i wish god damn it we'll make it if you believe... f.b.i.

Mercury Rising


how sad
and this is what your life has been reduced to -
a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
how sad
when the strings have been removed from the blinds
and all the outlets have bene painted over.
and the television screen is streaked with blood
and smeared from your knuckles,
as if you were trying to punch it out
but you underestimated the strength -
or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.
startled by a knock at the door,
you'll rise for the first time in two days to answer -
but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement -
'hello my first name is distance
and i really don't care if i never wake up again.'

:::G min:::

write. good. joining amnesty international at school. its going to be pretty cool i hope. national honor society as well. its academic. these things should look good on college applications. in other news. i love music. so fucking much. im getting into lots of shit now that i got a better computer. all this stuff ive heard, but not too in depth im hearing and loving. man. things like life are feeling better. im getting work done more now. its good. time seems to be coming back to my possession. music. save. life. up and down. determination. exhaustion. oh yeah. ive figured out why i want to be something else. asian, european. not native to america. respect and understand are probably the things i crave most. i also want respect from asians because their society and beliefs are centered around honor and respect and relationships(confucianism). i tend to lean toward eastern religions in general. and repsect just falls in there. but being an american, people around the world despise this country. i do too. and i despise the image it imparts on me. im not some dumb american. and im sure that the cosmopolitans of the world know better than that, but until they meet me why not stereotype? i dont want to be categorized as a capitalist pig from a country that hasnt reached a post-industrial society. i want respect of the people of the world. i despise this government and its atrocities and most everything about it. europe knows how its done. it is, for the most part, stable and the people there happy. it is very well organized. but i suppose i dont actually know hwo it is there but i want to know. i want to go there. i want to be rid of this horrid beauracray. damn. fuck bush.(there, its gone). i want to be in europe. fuck american ideals. fuck capitalism. out.

Which Sexy Comic Book Woman Are You?
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well the bionic man show kicked so much ass. it was so much fun to be playing bass at shows again. and really being able to just rock balls out. goddamn it was so much fun. got to see some cool people that i dont usually see at shows. saw steve, marcella, chris landy, brent, jeanie, everyone. got a cd of a really good band. rocked out. loaded a ton of equipment into the back of a truck in the pouring rain. good times :) and my computer came today so tomorrow morning ill hook that biotch up. but. its all so bittersweet.

furniture stores, the bane of my existence

saw conspiracy theory tonight. good fucking movie. although im a sucker for spy/government conspiracy movies that involve the cia or nsa. oh well. i liked it a lot. and recommend it. im drifting back into my days of political 'activism,' except its more of thionking about stuff like that. back into my days of anti-capitialism. back to days of adimantly supporting the zapatistas down in chiapas. back to the rage. good times are coming. today feels good. i got time. i got shit. nice. mel gibson, tom hanks, samuel l. jackson, harvey keitel, sean connery, anthony hopkins, julia roberts, angelina jolie(girl interrupted), nicholas cage. a list of my favorite actors/actresses. yup. out.

Whenever richard cory went down town,
we people on the pavement looked at him:
he was a gentleman from sole to crown,
clean favored, and imperially slim.

and he was always quietly arrayed,
and he was always human when he talked;
but still he fluttered pulses when he said
"good morning," and he glittered when he walked.

and he was rich--yes, richer than a king--
and admirably schooled in every grace:
in fine, we thought that he was everything
to make us wish that we were in his place.

so on we worked, and waited for the light,
and went without meat, and cursed the bread;
and richard cory, one calm summer night,
went home and put a bullet through his head. - edward arlington robinson

you can never know what someone is thinking. you can wish all you want to be in their place. but you can never know what that is actually like.
fuck this. im quite sick. fuck. but oh well. ill deal. i finally got my internet phone line repaired. and on the way home from school today i had an urge to go on another bike trip. dont know why. meh. today was a good day weather wise. nice and overcast. sleep. out.

You see a painting. you judge it. you like it. an aged painter comes by and says, "this painting...it's terrible!" would you at once yield to his judgement? after all he is the learned one. he has painted for many years. he knows the styles the techniques, and the abilities. he has infinitely more prestige associated with his judgement of this work. this is not to say that his opinions are necessarily correct, but he will know things you, as an art appreciator, most likely will not. Then one must consider this: this artist may quite possibly destroy the very feeling and beauty of the it. the overcriticization of the technicalities may overpower the inent the artist originally had. maybe no one cares. maybe they just want to look at the painting and enjoy it. the wonder and joy one gets from looking at and analyzing paintings is sometimes all that is needed. not soem extensive background. but then is a thorough background in a field a good thing to have, to provide a deeper insight into the piece of work?.....the same is true for music....

good old nostalgia. everyday i walk up my street, and i delve back into my mind and rememeber the sweet carefree days of being a child. its the best feeling. overcast days are by far my favorite. and the temperature is quite chilly yet refreshing and welcomed with open arms. now to damn my sickness that is coming on. i lost my voice for a little today while i was playing guitar. my throat just got all clogged up and my head hurt and it just sucked. oh well i suppose i'll deal with it. thats what i always seem to do. hm. well i gotta do some sort of work soon. i got practice with bionic man wednesday and thursday. itll be fun. learning songs. jamming is fun. and just rocking out. i cant wait until summer rolls around. the rock shall be brought to your fucking front door and it'll fuck it up.
individuality is the goal. my new goal. i strive for it and i find that im much more sane that way. sometimes it can be shoved under the rug, but for the vast majority of time, it suits me well. out.

:::Cm:::

fall is by far the best season. its so serene and beautiful. the smell is enough to captivate you from when the cold first gingerly nips your cheeks when you walk out of your door in the morning, to the crunching of all the fallen leaves. sweet nostalgia. all the memories and thoughts associated with fall are wonderful. they have the awesome ability to put any one at peace. memories of childhood, playing in gargantuan heaps of leaves, walking home from school in the brisk air, thinking only of trick-or-treating in 2 weeks. ah the bliss of being a child. as long as i can feel it once more at present, it will do me good. i love fall. so today was a nice day. tiring. but nice nonetheless. the psat is tomorrow. im more or less excited. i want to take them to see if ive gotten any smarter. i want to improve. we'll see what happens. time to finish homework. trivial shit. but due on the morrow. out.

well, this weekend started off kinda blandly with the planetarium stuff and all. the planetarium was cool, but everything else was boring for the most part. but oh well. my parents went away for the weekend so i spent the whole time at erin's, well for the most part (saturday morningish to tonight). i fuckin saw bane on saturday. my god it was such a good show. i was so glad i got to see them. i got give blood and a new bane shirt. and walked from college park back to erins. fun night. tired. i saw memento, enemy at the gates, and brave heart over the course of the weekend. really really good movies. memento was sooo confusing but quite excellent. now im tired. and playing guitar. singing old lyrics in better ways. its fun. the lyrics dont mean shit anymore, but theyre something to sing and try shit out with. so i use them. theyre relaly bad lyrics too but whatever. this weekend was excellent. now time to do something else. out.

waking up late and riding your bike to school in the rain is not at all a good way to start off the day. ive been falling asleep to classical music for the past week or two. its really nice. real soothing and relaxing. and its good to wake up to. but yeah. hm. im good i suppose. went to the planetarium tonight with a bunch of people. it was good i suppose. nothing i didnt know already. still fun. im soo tired now. i just got blasted by a wave of exhaustion. i should go to bed soon. impatience. out.

adios motherfucker 'amf'

so when andrew comes back, we're record some shit...rock the fuck out...time out of mother fucking line style haha....i miss the writing we did. we were such a good band. and not that crappy punk band everyone knows from our cd from almost 3 years ago. i want to write so bad. and i want to play guitar so bad. my musical outlets are not at all satisfied as of now. some day. patience. im getting more into converge these days. super into them. and bane. so good. adn coheed. all these bands. new music. so good. things are good. sleep. out.

WAR???......................

Farewell Note To The City
Disenchanting the romantic
This is the real, this is the shame
These limbs search feverishly for the gift of gravity
Coarse twine tears clean
And I have thought about this very instance for all time
Decades longer than you or I
Crimson comforting, scorching this flesh
giving its caring for me
And I have thought about these moments for all time
dangling from a silver lining
these lungs welcome the crimson tide of misfortune
Hell to pay
This is my farewell to this city

Thaw
In the want, the need, and this desperation
You'll find me as the time bomb
As the last great stand in this history
When all our roads traveled
And all have come to a most bitter end
Today I thaw - both Converge

a little less confusion now. pulling through the black corridor. reaching for even the faintest sliver of light. i see one. now only to obtain it. so close. so much progress. dreaming of the day when ill be free. i can almost move. the desparity is fleeting. its running from me now. not as quickly as i would hope. it can never distance itself from me as fast as i want it to. less overwhelmed by life. still dont feel completey right. but on the way. exhausted.
benevolence is for the strong hearted. vice versa for beligerence. totalitarianism, well, thats for power hungry bastards, or disillusioned visionaries and philanthropists. this 'war' on iraq, theres no point. oh no, we flatened their cities, killed many of their husbands, sons, and fathers, and we get pissed off when they shoot at coalition aircraft once or twice a week?? bush just wants oil and more money from his big buisness buddies. the reputation of the not-so-united states is deplorable at best. this, if carried out, will ruin our already teetering reputation, to the point where the world views us, if they dont already, as greedy, power-hungry, self-righteous imbiciles. i want the respect of other countries, let them be communists if they want. dont police the world. but anyway. enough political diatribe. out.

too many misconceptions. still left wondering. still left in the dark by my own conciousness. damn teenage angst and trying to find one's self. too lost. reclusive habits grow on me. wishful thinking envelopes me. itll be a month in 2 days. a month since ive done drugs. i cant make my mind up that fast. im sorry. i cant do it. i can barely even get through a day anymore. despair. confusion. fuck it all. out.

:::Fb:::

walking home from college park, remembering time out of line, 4 young men, creating music in the basement of a quaint home in university park. quarrelling with the lady of the house, jovialy conversing with the father. missing the days of practicing and walking to record exchange, buying $5 cds, eating subway, and walking back, taking the long way to spend extra time with the band. dancing through sprinklers singing west side story songs. those days suddenly disappeared. everyone grew up. we put the band aside. left it for memories of high school to consume. the perfect mixture in a band. the best musicians around. i want it back. i miss the comradery and the fun times we had just hanging out. december cant come fast enough this year. miles and miles away. out.

cant be sad. or even happy for that matter. bland and stuck in the middle without emotions to guide me through life. stuck wondering.

After all, to maintain this theory of the regeneration of mankind by means of its own advantage, is, after all, to my mind almost the same thing as... as to claim, for instance, with Buckle, that through civilization mankind becomes softer, and consequently less bloodthirsty and less fitted for warfare. Logically it does seem to follow from his arguments. But man is so fond of systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny what he can see and hear just to justify his logic. I take this example because it is the most glaring instance of it. Only look about you: blood is being spilled in streams, and in the merriest way, as though it were champagne. And what is it that civilization softens in us? Civilization only produces a greatervariety of sensations in man -- and absolutely nothing more. And through the development of this varoety, man may even come to find enjoyment in bloodshed. After all, it has already happened to him. Have you noticed that the subtlest slaughterers have almost always been the most civilzed of gentlemen, to whom the various Attilas and Stenka Razins could never hold a candle, and if they are not so conspicuous as the Attilas and Stenka Razins it is precisely because they are so often met with, are so ordinary and have become so familiar to us. In any case if civilization has not made man more blood-thirsty, it has at least made him more abominably, more loathsomely bloodthirsty than before. Formerly, he saw justice in bloodshed and with his conscience at peace exterminated whomever he thought he should. And now while we consider bloodshed an abomination, we nevertheless engage in this abomination, and even more than ever before. Which is worse? - Dostoevsky , notes from the underground

increasingly alone, reclusive. dont talk much to people. withdraw inside myself. and feel depressed. by show no outward signs still. i just ponder them. turn them over and over. i feel it. a faint stabbing now, almost as if its not really there, as if im imagining the entire episode. but a part of me feels gone. a part of me feels that faint stab and knows its real. but cant find it anymore. cant find out where it is so i can destroy it. lost. out.

scream 'fuck' as i drop to my knees and break. soak my face with tears. lay on the ground unable to move. whats happening??

partial mental breakdown....drug free....my music and my mind are the two most precious things to me. my mind has deteriorated and its bringing me down emotionally. im thankful that my musical abilities have not suffered. i dont know what i would do. ive decided to leave drugs. they dont do me any good. just make me cry. and lose my mind. about that. in 9th grade i more or less lost my mind. i thought i had regained my sanity. as it turns out i just ignored my insanity. and the problems seemed to disappear. but now i cant ignore it anymore. it bites at me. tears at my insides. waiting for the perfect moment to rip out my heart. it picked a good time to attack. these last few days have been incredibly overwhelming with my dad getting sick again and all. and my sudden realization that i ignore everything bad in my life. i just push it away and ignore it. forget about it. probably not the best way, but it was a quick fix at the time. today started out when i realized this morning i had to outline my report and turn it in today. that sucked. then i was gonna play guitar in dc. but i just couldnt bring myself to sit down and start playing. i felt so idiotic and incapable and frustrated. i can play in front of 100 people or more watching me....but not in front of people just walking by who dont really care one way or the other about me. i was pissed as hell about that. i couldnt play music. for once in my life i couldnt play in front of people. it wasnt even nerves either. i just absolutely was not able to do it. then theres the fact that i dont talk anymore. i mean i do, but i dont usually talk unless spoken to. i also desire solitude a lot more these days. i kind of sit around playign guitar or listening to music. i think about my feelings. i never show them anymore. i sit alone and ponder them over and over and decide what the best way to deal with them is. and then this 'fantasy' or imaginative scenario in my head designed to fix my problems and feelings deems the problem solved, the feelings dealt with, decimated. i say decimated because they are not completely obliterated, which i was going to say. the feelings are compressed and minimized to unimportant memories or fragments of thought. but slowly over time, faster for some thoughts, they decompress and excede the capacity of my feeble mind. i can not handle them anymore. sometimes more than one hit me at once and i lose control. the drawback to this process. i need to devise better ways of improving my mental health. and these drugs. damn them to fucking hell. they destroyed my mind once, and i was so naive as to let them cripple me once more. this time no going back to that state of a perpetual stupor. that state of being constantly sick and tired. im through. i have worn this facade for so long and fooled so many people that its not even right. the face of cheerfulness. no outward signs of depression. its all inside kicking up a storm bruising my guts. it kept me 'happy' for the most part. at least in everyone else's point of view. and now its b een too long that im not sure how to take it off. im not sure if i remember who the real me is anymore. ive changed so much in the past few months. and i dont remember me. i see me in the mirror. but looking deeper i see a void. a coldness that i have never seen before. an emptiness that sure was once filled to the brim. one day i suppose i will refill it. i just have no clue as to when. out.

:::Am:::

im sick and tired of being sick and tired....fuck drugs...for now at least

so sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick...

i want to have a change of heart, i want to fix the things that are tearing me apart. -bionic man

so today i got home, watched aerosmith behind the music. by far the best show ever. haha. but yeah then i went to practice with bionic man. eric had to leave early cos he was sick. but we worked on some songs. i need to learn songs a lot more. but it was fun. and tomorrow im going to DC to play guitar and hopefully make some money. im not lookin for much just a little extra cash to save up for an 8-track. and to pay back andrew. bionic man show october 25 at the electric made. itll be an awesome show. tired. need a grip master thing. must strengthen fingers. school is lots of work. music is my savior. tired. im always busy these days. i never just sit back and chill out. i never have time to. ill be busy friday and saturday. and im not sure about sunday. need rest. out.