my name is trevor olexy

jim is standing behind me. *wink wink* katie is screaming from the other room. crazy days at work.

hands down this was the best christmas ever..didnt get very much because money is very tight. but i got what i needed, and so much more that i can never touch. its been wonderful. :) for now i am off to bed because im fucking tired. good night all. and merry christmas.

[soundtrack to the post: All Else Failed - Zao]

ok wow. time to update..its been too long. ive been really busy lately with the wiz and jazz band and life and everything. its been fun and now its time for vacation. i can almost afford my new bass body that will be gorgeous. its christmas. merry christmas all. i have more important things to think about though. makes me happy. overall things have been great. a bit tired. but i shall rest. i have a bunch of stuff to do but its all well and good. ive been thinking a lot lately too. what are the chances we're thinking the same thing? im betting...well, i bet. lets see...time to sleep. had a big day at work and then dinner. out.

[soundtrack to the post: Good to Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Is Die - Brand New]

You are Poetry.
You are often the most emotional of the arts. You
are introverted, in that you tend to let people
come to you rather than trying to get their
attention. You get along well with Music and
Literature.


What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

so now i hope you see

you see its been two years now since my first wish involving you
i never knew two years from then theyd all come true
ive waited so long to watch you sleep,
so long to play with your hair until you dream
ive waited for you to notice that i simply cant take my eyes off of you

tonight is the haunting of the dreams ive had about you
tonight i'll wake up lonely without you by my side
and one day i know you'll be right here beside me
sleeping with me and standing strong through all our worst days

so you see it's been a long time since i havent thought about you
so you see youre you looking at me, in my eyes like my own polished mirror
so you see im looking at you like ive never seen such beauty
we so need to get out of this place escaping with the love no one can steal
so now you see i need you more than a fish needs the sea.
so now you see i need you more than me ive ever seen.

[soundtrack to the post: Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of) - The Mars Volta]

well the wiz was awesome...great music. though i didnt have a fucking thing to do with it. i was so excited and ready to play cos i worked my ass off to learn that goddamn music in a week so i could play. its not easy shit either. and then im about to play opening night and the bass player who wasnt supposed to come showed up. and then all of a sudden im out of a job and get to sit there and watch them do all this shit. i could play the music just as well as he could. and he didnt even play what was on the fucking page. it really hurt to have that happen to see something so great and almost be a part of it, but to have it all yanked away. "oh well you can play guitar on this song." i cant learn all new music in 20 minutes. what the fuck? man it was just real shitty. kinda ruined my night. fuckers. but dinner afterwards with danny was fun. no lucy though unfortunately. but she was tired and in pain. and i told her mom i saw a bunny in UP. and danny thought i said that cos i was trying to cover something up...haha it was great...to us at least...so then food. and now home. and now sleep. and tomorrow im gonna rock the fuck out of that music just to be like "see bitch i can play too, motherfucker....dont second guess me or doubt my abilities cos ill play you to the fucking ground...got it?" out.

[soundtrack to the post: Veritas, Aequitas - Darkest Hour]

it fucking made my day...a 4.50 im sicing that shit like no other. gonna keep my rank hopefully. in other news my stomach is killing me. eh. itll pass. more food for it.

[soundtrack to the post: marching to the killing rhythm - Darkest Hour]

hell and heaven collide in battle and single-winged angels fall to earth as demons and fiends rise up to conquer a falling paradise. i watch the angels' pained flight from my window and i find myself unable to care if the apocolypse is eight minutes away. i have it all by my side. i have it all under the blankets to my right.

[soundtrack to the post: This is Now - Hatebreed]

maaaan i feel all bad now...i ruined the plans/surprise/idea....i know i shoouldnt reeeally...but i do. adn i think anyone would. jsut cos. well i do. bleh. not like hooorribly bad. just unfortunate im sorry/embarrassed or something. heh. im weird. but yeah. happy though :) tonight was the jazz band concert. it went pretty well. it was fun. i have played more in the past 2 weeks than i have in the past 6 months. its crazy. ive relearned reading notes on bass clef. i hadnt done it in so long. but now im pretty good. except for the minor error of reading the nots as if they were treble clef (C in bass clef = A in treble) which makes for interesting songs....only happens when im tired. but yeah. it was fun. i played well for the most part. had a solo no one knew about, except for danny "off the hook" which made me happy...and of course the band...but i mean it was tight. then yeah. it was rocking shit. plato's afterwards for a french terp. oh man the smell was soooooooooooooooooo good. drove me wild :P....and yeah im off to bed cos im fucking exhausted.

[soundtrack to the post: Every Effort Made/ Lay the Blame - Bane]

tight stuff...i was in front of the guitarist at right the whole time...and the singer who looks a lot like jack black when you think about it.

[soundtrack to the post: Still Paradise - Fairweather]

i didnt just get all teary-eyed...nope not me....happy :)

[soundtrack to the post: Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional]

well today was long as shit. got to school around 8...didnt leave til around 8. jazz band/the wiz rehearsal was looong and tiring. my fingers are killing me. 4 hours of straight music. fun but long. and mr townes definitely didnt need to hire some guy to play the music. i thought it was all difficult but it can be done. oh well. ill play the school time shows. its enough i guess. whatever. jaz band is going well. and i ordered a from autumn to ashes hoodie tonight. itll be here friday...i hope. itll be sweeet. XL so i hope it fits...if not ill send it back and get a smaller size...or the otehr from autumn one i liked....or maybe a coheed and cambria one :P. hehe. stupid parents. makes me sad. though we shall work around it. :) somehow. and fuck school tomorrow. its my day off...or im taking one. im tired...i wont do any work haha i know it. but meh. ill trry. ummmmmm....yes. tired. going to sleep soon. cos im tired? yes. indeed. tired. hoep you had fun reading :)

[soundtrack to the post: Look in their eyes mom, you'll see me - Beneath the Ashes]

yay...one comment :) i expect everyone to fill it out...well no...i hope everyone does...cos im curious..heh so if youre bored or have time...rock on

[soundtrack to the post: Bed Of Roses - Bon Jovi]

Comment with answers to these questions, then post it yourself and see the response:
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I’ll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When’s the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

crap...stupid fucking jazz band all damn week. then concert on thursday. so no stretching for me on wednesday. i totally forgot until just now. grr

well the show was alright. i like certain parts better than others. ;) spaced out during some parts cos they really were not that good. but i shall tell you about it later after you've read this. prolly tomorrow morning. since you'll be showered and bedded most likely. heh bedded is now the verb for going to your bed/sleeping.

[soundtrack to the post: dana walker - Hopesfall]

who would've thought that scrubs would bring this on?

i want to do so many things that im too young to do. like be in a band that tours. i have "toured" kind of. three days here. over night there. i mean its fun and all. but i have too many things here at home tieing me down. school for one. friends. and music actually. no one my age is good enough to play the music i want to play, however conceited that sounds. but it takes something to make music sound good...or at least what i love to hear. time out of line was perfect. i had so much fun. that was the music i wanted to play and write. i have yet to find that anywhere else. i havent been able to achieve the same dynamic i built with those guys. when theyre all back for break we are going to have to chill. im ecstatic with these thoughts. ive missed them so. in a few years i will really start living. the way i want to. so for now, love is for suckers and i suck. i want to stay 22 forever.

[soundtrack to the post: The Science Of Selling Yourself - Less Than Jake]

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.
Born with the name of Otto, you became Ludwig at the request of your grandfather, King Ludwig I, because you were born on his birthday. You became Crown Prince at the tender age of 3, and soon after stole a purse from a shop on the basis that everything in Bavaria belonged to you. Tragedy struck when your pet tortoise was taken away; relatives thought the six-year-old prince was too attached to it. Your childhood was lonely and formal. Once, you were prevented from beheading your younger brother by the timeous arrival of a court official. From the age of 14 you suffered from hallucinations.

Despite striking an imposing figure with your great height and good looks, your speeches were pompous to the point of incomprehensibility. You became even more of a recluse, often spending hours reading poetry in a seashell-shaped boat in your electrically-illuminated underground grotto.

You are most famous for building three fairytale castles - Linderhof, Neuschwanstein and Herrenchiemsee - at tremendous public expense. Declared insane and confined to your bedroom by concerned (and embarrassed) subjects, you escaped on 13 June 1886, but were later found drowned with your physician in Lake Stamberg in mysterious circumstances.

[soundtrack to the post: I'm Not Calling You - Lifetime]

today was great!!

infatuated with you

Why do your eyes paralyze me
What makes me feel this way
Just carry me away with silence and heartbeats
As rapid thinking about your embrace
and how it makes me feel
I just want to feel this way forever
Sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you
Why have I been given the chance to fly
When I'm not with you I feel lesser alone
I remember your face imprinted on angels
Your voice as beautiful as the sounds of waves
crashing against my heart
Time slows down when you look at me
I'm infatuated with this
infatuated with you
It's so hard for me to understand why
I hadn't found you before don't dull away
hold my hand

[soundtrack to the post: Nerdy - Poison The Well]

we're so sneaky and they never knew

whats it been now...12 days? definitely doesnt feel like 12 days at all...to me at least. it feels like a month or so. probably because of the feelings and the length that they were mutually expressed. subterfuge...mm.. hehe. either way im happy as can be. and now im off to play pool with danny. i was bored. but now i am out! woo...if youd like to join dont hesitate to give me a ring.. all lines(being one) are open 24/7

so im lazy and never update...what are you gonna do about it? : P well last night was the darkest hour and every other great band show. it was fucking killer. great music. suck ass people as usual. fucking roosevelt bitches. well my friends from roosevelt were there and you know who you are. but the other kids are dicks. hardcore is a fucking style now. all about the clothes and look. but despite that the show was good. packed as hell. got a darkest hour shirt. so today i gotta do some work. get my school work out of the way. gotta keep my rank. luandry needs doing. maybe ill make a to-do list. that would really help me out with actually getting shit done because otherwise i will just think about everything and never do it. thinking too much is dangerous. then again so is walking around with a tommy gun shooting nazis....oh wait thats just fun...good old "Allied Assault." i may play that a bunch today. i never did get to beat the game. that damn tank level. heh no one knows what im talking about. meh. last night was awesome. snuggly. mimi, you are lucky. he seems nice :) so getting 7 hours of sleep, probably less since i didnt sleep well doesnt seem to be bothering me. it should i raelly need more sleep. i can never stay in stage 4 long enough to feel rested enough. but today is different. hm. i want to do something today. later on when everyone can chill. what to do i have no idea. but something indeed. so now i guess ill shower. what fun. i need to be clean. show=sweaty and bruised.

[soundtrack to the post: marching to the killing rhythm - Darkest Hour]

think. less emotion. you'll live longer

well here's an update...napped...that was nice...writing music as we speak..or as i type...or i guess not even that since i cant play and type at the same time...heh. well when im not typing im playing..its a good song..should be up soon. :)

so i think im too damn independent for my own good...i may be the only person ever to refuse money from my parents for food or anything. i mean hey thats why i have a job....so i can pay for my own necessities and such. thats also why i dislike getting rides from people usually. i like to do things on my own and never like to feel like im burdening anyone or putting them through any trouble. so i walk everywhere. i really dont mind. i dont like depending on anyone, unless im really close to them and trust them quite a bit. i guess if im offered something and i really need it, then maybe after some convincing i will accept. but eh. my mom pisses me off. not everything is about sex leave it the fuck alone!! aaah...im not some damned constantly horny teenager...despite popular opinion, its just an act...it gets laughs so why not, right?...but god dont fucking put me in every stereotype you can think of! dont get on me for a fuckin B! dont bullshit me about an 1130! i do what i can do! you want better find a new fucking son. find one youre happy with. maybe then you'll be proud. fuckers.

[soundtrack to the post: The After Dinner Payback - From Autumn To Ashes]

"...that was the first thing I had to learn about her, and maybe the hardest I've ever learned about anything--that she is her own, and what she gives me is of her choosing, and the more precious because of it. Sometimes a butterfly will come to sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it--and its choice to be there--are gone."

i really like that quote

"ok, think of what little patience i have as, oh, i dont know, your virginity. you always thought it would be there until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by and he brought a copy of "about last night" and a four-pack of bartles and james, and badow! woohoohooo it was gone forever, just like my patience is now." - Dr. Cox

you are powderblue #B0E0E6

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

You are water. You're not really organic; you're
neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid
and a base at the same time. You're strong
willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready
to flow. So while you often seem worthless,
without you, everything would just not work.
People should definitely drink more of you
every day.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i remember days of watching you stand there like a statue in the cold
you were with him but you looked so alone and your heart was never there
i remember all the times i wished i could be there
and you can be sure i wouldve held you close
you can be sure you would know i cared

there were so many times our hands brushed so lightly
i counted all the times our knees touched
and each time we never moved them away
each time i left i wanted to hear you say..

please stay the night
please hold me tight and sing me to sleep
kiss me and love me
youre all i ever wanted

i wished for so long you would notice me
i wanted to say so many things
how he never deserved your beauty
how much it meant that you sat next to me

i remember yesterday when you kissed me good night
i love the feeling i get when your eyes meet mine
day in and day out ill be by your side
day in and day out ill do whatever you need
if it went the way i wanted, youd be here right by my side
i just want to make the world the most beautiful place for the most beautiful girl
we'll walk to the park tonight and the sound of your voice is the best song ive ever heard

just right a killer ass song about a totally awesome girl...day in and day out

ah..enetation is just weird...go here, log in, go to settings, and click submit..it all just needs to be "restarted." your blogger comments should start showing up.

[soundtrack to the post: The Second Wrong Makes You Fee - From Autumn To Ashes]

ive got to be the luckiest guy in the world
the most wonderful girl was in my arms
the most beautiful girl is in my heart
ive got to be the most stupidly happy guy in the world

(random rantes of happiness)

[soundtrack to the post: Godspeed You Black Emporer! - Providence - Godspeed You Black Emporer]

Auto response from XkellyveronicaX:......4 more hours and ill be back at home
to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear
and i would tell you about everything that happened
and about all the girls i met and how none of them were you
you know all i see is your smile
even when im staring at the skyline of new york
and all i wonder is when will i be home

so for now ill write a song, sitting in this van
racing down the turnpike rushing home to you
and you are not alone in your thoughts of lonliness
cos goin 90 through new jersy makes everything a blur


i only wish this dream was true
cos as i see you now, youre out with him
and you'll never hear this song,
and you'll never know it was always meant for you

-A Friend Too Far (one of the best bands eva! ;-) )

---

XkellyveronicaX: i really like the lyrics
XkellyveronicaX: and they ring true for me right now
XkellyveronicaX: so i felt the need to represent the friend too far
Tre4222: :-)



thats theeeee shit...my music means something to someone :) and they listen to it...now its two people :) you guys rock..you know who you are...and everyone else i dont know...which is probably very few..but yeah :) im happy

[soundtrack to the post: Carry On - Goldfinger]

well now it seems you have to go
we've spent hours curled up on the couch
sleeping and watching ms peel
i could never ask for anything more than to be held in your arms
so reassuring, so comforting, will you be mine tonight?

i cant get you out of my mind
always up there making me smile
open my eyes to an empty room
but i can still smell your hair

you'll alwasy have to say goodbye
but you should know i always dream of you
i hope you know i care more than he did
i hope you know ill do anything for you

these are days and nights where i can get lost in your eyes
these are kisses and smiles that mean the world
these are hugs and sleepy cuddles
this is the time where i say youre the most beautiful girl that i know

Oh well, you've got me under your spell
and I don't think that I'm kidding around.
I don't think I can forget you now.
I once sat up on my roof and examined the planning of my town.
I saw the structured grid and pavement cutting through grass
and I remembered the cold of winter running up the legs of my pants.
I picked the nicest lawn and imagined the two of us
rolling around down along the ground.
I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets begin to race above our heads.
But I pinched my arm and remembered how much you hate me.
I remembered the fact that I can't see what you need
and I'm too stupid to be aware of the beauty that you give this place
and how shitty this town would seem without you in it.
When you aren't around I let the shades fall down to shut out
all the sun's light and make myself feel all right.
What am I doing with my life?
Remember that the only things we need sometimes
are chilly nights and warmer thighs, 'cause there's nothing like being held.

[soundtrack to the post: Hold - Saves The Day]

Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?
I am one of those melodramatic fools neurotic to the bone no doubt about it.

[soundtrack to the post: Blue and Yellow - The Used]

oh yeah i forgot to add...im now up to 6326 mp3s for a total of 384 hours and 33 minutes. 27 GB. i have finding nemo, scarface, the big lebowski, saving private ryan, and the Boondock Saints...and the first two seasons of Scrubs..greeeat show...im stocking up.

Little Storping in the Swuff

today was a good day. work was boring. but i had people to talk to online while i did nothing. then saw lucy drive by as i was leaving jerry's from lunch to go back to work...that was cool cool. theeen watched much Avengers...whoa capital letters??? craaaazy. haha yeah that is a good show. so noow...im very happy...and my ear is wet ;) crazy kid...i shall go to bed.. night.

[soundtrack to the post: Evergreen Terrace]

Yekith is your Vampire name.
You are a charming Vampire with more charisma than
any other type. Nobody has your way with words
or your diplomatic skills.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
www.life-blood.vze.com


What is your Vampire name?
brought to you by Quizilla



Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla



your asshole.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are 38% Pure!
(Very interesting.)




Here's how the REST of the world breaks down, compared to you:




people less pure than you (9%)
people like you (0%)
people more pure than you (91%)



PERFORMER
(Dominant Extrovert Abstract Feeler )



Like just 6% of the population you are a PERFORMER (DEAF)--personable, self-assured, and excellent under pressure. You are extroverted and strong-willed, which, in combination means you are good with people and aren't willing to let opportunity pass you by. Congratulations. I'm sure all the peons you've stepped on never saw it coming and didn't feel a thing.

You like being naked.

Anyhow, you have formidable creative talents, and you often following what your heart tells you instead of your logical mind. Your exuberance can earn you many friends and admirers, despite your ambition, or it can intimidate the less confident into keeping their distance. It's also possible you're Madonna.

Hello, Pikachu from Pokemon. You are very friendly
and nice, but when somebody you don't know
comes to talk to you, you are very shy and so
scared you won't run away. You do whatever is
loserish, and you do not fight back if somebody
is mean to you. If you had magical powers, you
would use them seriously (evilly). So,
basically, you are a wimp, a loser, and
everything NOT cool to the people around you -
even though you ARE the good guy, but if you
had advantage, you would do what is NOT
loserish :)


*****WHAT CARTOON ARE YOU??? - NEW AND IMPROVED - MANY DIFFERENT RESULTS*****
brought to you by Quizilla


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

damn. im stuck at work for another 3 hours...goddamnit. i finished all i need to do. im just here to answer phones in case they ring. there havent been any calls. sigh. im so bored. i cant surf the web for 3 hours...someone needs to get online so i can have some fun here. la la la...finished my bio. always a plus. i probabaly wouldnt have done it if she hadnt bugged me about it. :) danke.

im so down with watching tv all night. im so into your bright blue eyes. im into singing to you in the park by your house .i cant wait for the time i can fall asleep with you in my arms. i want to feel you breathing and resting on my chest. i never stop thinking about you cos every song i play is to you. im barely getting by and then you make everything so much more than better. no one knows what you mean to me but let them know im so into you. im not going anywhere. you can count on my arms around you tomorrow.

Like Zeppo, except he couldn't sing.


Which Modern Political Thinker Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

heh fitting...

[soundtrack to the post: Burned Alive By Time - Evergreen Terrace]

st andrews church
4512 college ave
college park , MD

fairweather
good clean fun
darkest hour
age of ruin
stars hide fire
$8
6:00 pm

[soundtrack to the post: Shopping for a Crew - Good Clean Fun]

wow....the early november totally listens to the get up kids..."i dont want you to love me anymore" was in a line from an early november song...its so get up kids.. hehe im a dork.

[soundtrack to the post: Stay Gold, Ponyboy - The Get Up Kids]

we need to play in the fountain again
"Knew, blew, tomato, tomato."

i am going to the little corner market this morning. im going to enjoy my french vanilla cappuccino and complete the day's crossword puzzle in an hour. i wont care about all the ignorant shits with their funeral-ready countenances. i will finish my mourning with a walk down the road, every gaze centered on the sky.
no one is going to take the enjoyment away from my blistered splitting hands. curse the cold air.
ive resolved to write a book under the bridge over there by the dillapitated overpass. a stones throw from the river, that's the first place i met you. how coincidental was it that it was the last place we stood, where you took away everything you gave me? its hard to believe i ever loved you. its hard to believe you ever thought you really lived. it would be so much easier if you were a dream. the worst nightmare i could ever have. but nightmares lose their footing when im awake. you barely exist when im awake. relentlessly tugging on my frayed coat you drag yourself through the mud and broken bottles to torment me. my sleeve has been freed of my heart far too many times for me to say love is real. i never thought this shirt was so strong. but it seems it is at its last threads and its breaking my disenchanted heart.
its getting darker and youre clawing at the back of my neck. this is the last night i will be alone. i cant fight you off anymore than i can make my heart love anything again. listen to me now as if it were the words your lover said to you on the pillow. these are the last hours i will be here. the frequency with which you gave me up to save yourself is a move that earned you a place in the hell im going to create for you. the letters you penned lie in ashes on my bedroom floor and soon i'll pull the trigger so i can rest assured i will never have to know you again. this night is my farewell to you and the answer you always wanted was always is in your question so make no effort in asking me. bye bye beautiful. dont bother calling my name after im gone. you cant bother me when im gone. im gone.

[soundtrack to the post: A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed And Cambria]

the world is so overrun by intrinsically faulted humans. why cant there be more intelligent determined people who give their all in one place so i can go there? people suck. but alas i must deal with them...

[soundtrack to the post: December Flower - In Flames]

I've come to my senses,
That I've become senseless,
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away,
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems,

I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

I could be an expert on co-dependency,
I could write the best book on underage tragedy,
I've been spending my time at the local liquor store,
I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
I'm so over-dosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy.

Let the meaning slip away
Lost my faith in another day,
Self deprication seems okay,
I never thought I'd make it anyway

I'm my own worst enemy

[soundtrack to the post: The Science Of Selling Yoursel - Less Than Jake]

so im guess im not so unhorny after all

I'M 58% X-rated. HOW HORNY ARE YOU?

so hopefully my blogger is working again...all of blogger was screwey. and im tired as hell. work is, fun. but tiring. making good money for excellent ideas hehe. and yes. im happy. continuously. and right now. im sitting around online waiting for people to get home and get online. heh. downloading music. which is now to the height of 5770 items, for 357 hours, 9 minutes, and 35 seconds. 25 GB. good shit. heh. yaaaaawn. sleep. gotta get up early for week. and hopefully my RL will let us leave early since its the day before thanksgiving. night.

[soundtrack to the post: Lunar Strain - In Flames]

taking a look back to march 2002: written under the pretense that "she" is me

She sang his requiem as she stared off into the night, weeping, tearing at the earth, wondering. Wondering if she could ever love another as she loved him. the stars seemed to weep with her as they fell from the mid night air and melted with her tears, to form a stream in the upturned dirt. her best friend, her lover, stolen away from her by life’s evils. “Why” she asked, “why have you taken him from me!?” she screamed at the night, screamed his name. All the moments they spent, all the seconds they shared, sprung to life in her head. She saw his face, felt his breath, heard his voice, calm and soft, whispering in her ear. she turned to greet him but was met by emptiness. the man she loved was gone from all but her heart. she ran, ran as fast as she could, as far as she could. her weeping driving her on. the faster she ran the closer she could be to him. she ran and ran, not knowing where her feet carried her, until she stopped. she came to the place where His existence came to an end. she stared over the edge. stared at the night sky, singing his requiem, weeping. And finally, she let love pull her over the edge. She is now with the love of her life, never are they to be separated, only in life was that possible. But their separation from life brought them together. In life they learned to love...in death they live...in death they love...

she dreamt of one time so long ago. they were together, staring off into the dark obsidian night, watched as the stars flickered in their infinite light. they talked of nothing, of silly things. it wasnt deep meaningful conversation, but their words ran deep within their hearts and they meant the world. it mattered not of what they spoke of. his voice, just to hear it, made joy well up from her heart, her heart that so truly loved him. his touch would make her tingle. and when she whispered “i love you” in his hear, he would hold her tight, as close as humanly possible. She prayed that the moment would never end. that he would be there forever. she could not hold back the smile. it felt almost unnatural. she awoke with tears streaming down her cheeks, she awoke with no one beside her. was it all a dream? it was a dream form long ago. he had been real, as real as can be, and she wished he wasnt. she beat her pillow, screamed at it, tore at it, cursed it and herself. she didnt want him to be real, for him to be real would cause her too much pain. she knew she could not bear it. she knew, she knew he was real. he was as real as ever he could have been. and he was gone. reality, mortality had stolen his precious life. why couldnt he stay a dream? she could have him in a dream. she could never lose him in a dream. but he was real. and his reality destroyed him. now he’s only a dream. and in dreams he lives, loved eternally.

“what,” she asked, “what is love?” she thought she knew once. there was a man she thought she knew, she thought she loved. should love have caused so much pain? should she put up with it? being beat senseless? should she take the pain? should she have to compete with his best friend for time to see her? she put in 110% and he did nothing. she loved him more than anything yet he seemed complacent to her feelings. she pretended not to care, pretended the pain wasnt really there. after all, she was in love, and if youre in love, your feelings dont matter one bit. she believed that horribly twisted idea. how could she put up with all this? she did everything she could so that she could see him, and he always said that they saw each other enough. she was starting to unravel. her heart was torn apart, burned by tears, tears of hate, and of the intense grief her soul brimmed with, almost overflowing. she knew she could barely keep it all together. she hated him. she despised everything he said. his voice brought an infuriating thrust of anger to her heart, and the taste of tears to her lips. only she knew how many nights her pillows were soaked by tears. only she knows why she still loves him. does she still love him? could she bear her insufferable burden any longer? could she love anymore in the face of his torment? she declared an end to her love. but she wanted to wait and hope her love returned. deep inside she dreamt of the day in which that feeling would leave. if she ceased her affection, he would not care in the slightest. she decided to make sure her love could never rear its ugly head again. if her heart stopped, she could not love. and thats exactly what she did. she stopped her heart. and as she closed her eyes, she closed her heart, and knew she would never love him again.

...she turned up the music ever louder to drown out her sorrows and extinguish her causticly pessimistic mindset. his mother despised her. she was "unworthy," not good enough to love or be loved by her son. his mother could not stop them from loving, but she could stop them from being near to each other, and she did just that. She crushed the hopes, and dreams, and deep love of two innocent hearts, who longed only for the company of the the other. and thinking this, she let sleep overcome her despair and hatred of this wrethced woman, and prayed she would not lose her love.
her dreams captivated her. he took her, and danced, round and round silently under the stars. moving to the beat of their hearts, feeling the other's warmth. nothing could touch them, love enveloped them and nothing else could manage its way into their minds. and so they dropped to the ground, filled with passion, the kissed and loved. they were as close as humanly possible, yet that seemed not enough. he picked her up and they walked that night to the bus station. they rode the bus as far as they could, they didnt care where it went as long as they were there, side-by-side, together.
slowly she awoke from this wonderful dream, to see him at her window in the middle of the warm summer night, calling to her. she went with him. they danced, held in eachother's arms, made love in the soft grass, and arrived at the bus station. they boarded the next bus in. not caring where it went. as long as they were toghether. she pinched herself. this was her dream, yet it was real, they were leaving forever. and she smiled, letting the words flow off her lips to his ear. "I love you" she said. "I though you were gone forever, I thought our love was shattered beyond a billion pieces, I thought of this night, I dreamt this night, and this night came.....I love you." she slept that night on his shoulder as the bus passed effortlessly along the dark road. and happily ever after they lived.....until she woke up...

Day after day, she wathces as her friends stare at the drifting clouds as she talks to them. They listen, but comprehension is a skill they have yet to learn. She would speak of a serious matter, ask a sincere question, that could never possibly warrant laughter. And they respond with a chuckle, and go on thinking their incredibly self-centered thoughts, believeing their response was appropriate.
Her words bounce off their clumsy excuses for heads and she watches in agony as they endlessly patronize her. They have no care for her. She is just one who does not matter to them at all, but they would gladly have her think it. She holds no prestige in their hearts, no importance in their minds. They view her as a steping stone with no worth, that would happily give itself to be stepped upon. She wished she wouldnt, but she knew no other way, no alternate path. The perfect altruist, made of other's needs, not of her own. She had put up the charade too many grueling years, gone too far from her original self that she no longer had any hope of knowing again who she really was. There is no doubt she has tried, repeatedly greeted by failure, to find her own mind in the void that is the masses' lives.
Every thing, every thought, is clouded by petty desires, clouded by lust and discontent with what is possessed. The best must be obtained at all costs, no matter whose poor soul is destroyed in the process. Unreachable things unrelentlessly distract the obsessed minds of the righteous and self-righteous alike. But once they are obtained, they lose their mystery and magnificence. They are discarded, left by the arogant being that cares only for themselves. The people beaten down are forgotten, past desires erased. All clouded over and deleted, paving the way for still more destruction of souls.
You cannot live purely for the good of others. Others do not care if youre hurt, they dont care about your past, present, and future. They will be the first to stop your speech and tell their story and best your life. Why couldnt her life be clouded? Why couldnt she care only for herself?
She watched, day after day, as the clouds surround and capture and entrance her friends. She searched around herself, on guard for clouds. All she saw was herself, and that is nothing more, than nothing...

[soundtrack to the post: Turpentine Chaser - Dashboard Confessional]

james ogelthorpe founded Georgia.
i wish i was more articulate.

[soundtrack to the post: The Swiss Army Romance - Dashboard Confessional]

Lucy4606: okay captain cryptic.

[soundtrack to the post: 06 - Sheryl Crow - Kiss That Girl - Bridget Jones Diary]

i just want you to know how much i care
ill be your knight in shining armor
ill be your star. ill be your star.

You are Orange.
You are outgoing and optomistic. You always try to
find the bright spot in everything. You are
energetic and people are naturally attracted to
you. However, you are not always sure of what
your purpose or goals are.
Most Compatible With: Fresh Mint


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Remind me to stay on your good side.


What is Your Shakespearian Tragic Flaw?
brought to you by Quizilla

[soundtrack to the post: Drunkship of Lanterns - The Mars Volta]

yes its about you

this drowning sorrow is shaking me
more than it ever has before
the road signs reading bitter end
leave me suspect of a crime

the city air chokes me today
more than it ever has before
i’m nervous to feel deserved
by these street signs anymore

are you
going to
be waiting up when i get home
we’ll stay up all night
getting drunk and watching sunsets on our porch

i’m falling for you
i’m falling for you
i fell for you

these empty feelings question me
of who i think i’ve become
my mind is ticking life away
asking if you are the one

are you
going to
be waiting up when i get home
we’ll stay up all night
getting drunk and watching sunsets on our porch

i’m falling for you
i’m falling for you
i fell for you

i’m dying to explain my heart
to you now
i’m dying to explain my heart
to you now
there’s so much on my mind it’s tearing me apart
there’s so much on my mind it’s tearing me apart
i’m falling for you
i’m falling for you
i fell for you

[soundtrack to the post: Falling For You - Student*Rick]

that rug really tied the room together didnt it?
fuckin a!
and this guy peed on it!
donnie please...
....they peed on my fucking rug!!
thats right dude, they peed on your fuckin rug

[soundtrack to the post: The Big Lebowski - ]

ive been clenching my teeth for too long
its been far too long since my friends were here
all i know is lonliness and my life is never fair
sometimes we're just alone and helpless

i once belived in myself when i believed i had it all
the more you see i have, the less is inside me
id give it all up just to have some peace of mind
and i wonder why my jaw's so sore

just sitting in my room alone
there isnt a true face in the crowd
no one means anything they think
no one thinks anything they mean

stay here by me cos you're the only
thing keeping me alive
youre the only one keeping me who i am
youre the one who makes me belive in me

home on a saturday night; life has gone one friend too far

thoroughly depressed..not even sure why...college can suck it.

[soundtrack to the post: Freakish - Saves The Day]

ok so i finished recording "amy," my newest song. its pretty good i spose. its uploaded and ready for download at the "a friend too far" link at the top of the page. check it out and tell me what you think...leave a comment below with critiques and such. oh and i fixed the link to "new jersey turnpike" so now you can read the lyrics.

[soundtrack to the post: the misinformation age - Darkest Hour]

man i should have been born in the 80s...oh wait...maybe 74 or 75. i would have been the right age for rockin out to 80s rock. oh how i love thee. god its sooooooo good. it brings about great feelings in me. mm bon jovi... van halen...ratt...ozzy...cinderella....poison....iron maiden....ac/dc....motley crue...mmmmmmm im a dork... meh :)

[soundtrack to the post: Let It Rock - Bon Jovi]

my anaconda dont want none if you aint got buns hun

[soundtrack to the post: My World - Avril Lavigne]

i am highly content with my life at the moment...everythings falling into place. go having great friends. hmm.. back to recording

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:	Your Own Victory
You sound like:	Bright Eyes
You will be signed to:	Saddle Creek Records
Your emo lyrics are:	"My breath is running out of sympathy from you"
Username:
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

[soundtrack to the post: Inertiatic ESP - The Mars Volta]

today was a good day...you know why ;) rehearsal was tiring and not that great. but meh. i drove a bunch today. getting my lisence soon. i like being a space heater. and im tired. and making ms vogel's web page. im off to sleep. alone unfortunately. one day...

[soundtrack to the post: Still Can't... - The Cranberries]

shit ive been busy as hell this week. "pit band" rehearsal everyday til like 6. then bio. its so easy though. i dont know how anyone could possibly get a D in that class, or a two on the ap test...its absurdly simple. oh well i guess some people just are smart enough. i can think of one in particular. haha im mean. oooh well. yeah so life's settling down. beginning to think im ready. not absolutely sure yet. but its close. i want to be close.

[soundtrack to the post: Adelleda - Alexisonfire]

i never should have started

autumn nights, brisk, calm and quiet. the smell is enough to make an entire day worthwhile. it's freezing yes, but when you can pause and be still for longer than 2 seconds, the feeling of immobility and solitude is beautiful. dark and quiet then except for the distant toll of a freight train by franklin's, letting all know its presence was real but fleeting as the sounds are carried far away by tame nocturnal breezes. stars and planes clutter the skies and all i can see is me looking back at the trees backlit by the sky. whats wrong with freezing to death if youre so content?

[soundtrack to the post: Signals Over The Air - Thursday]

who's the existentialist now Dostoesky? same for you Nietzsche..

end of the world

yes good stuff right there...otherwise...alright i guess. i've become an existentialist or realized my thoughts have a nature of such ideas...which makes sense since i've always been attracted to the ideas, philosophies if you will. the authors of such ideas have always attracted me as well and it all makes so much sense. their ideas are much like my own.
"free will, life is all choices that lead to stress, few decisions are without any negative consequences, some things are irrational or absurd without explanation, if one makes a decision, they must follow through."
it all ties in with what i think. perfectly. its my life in a nutshell. although, its rather difficult to truly define the term. its a "self" philosophy. an acceptance of our nature.
"We struggle to be social creatures. Society is unnatural. Rules are difficult.....Religions present rules, yet the believers know they cannot live by all of those rules. The “sin free” life is beyond human nature. Is that any less reason to try to be good, generous, caring, and compassionate? Perfectionism is considered unhealthy by psychiatrists for a reason."

dostoevsky posed the question, "Did man create God to have a reason to live?"
all in all we dont have a reason to live. for some that realization is too much and a reason is devised. "God" is invented so that humans can be comforted by "him" and cope with despair and anguish. without the notion of an attainable eternal happiness, life seems pointless. "humans are the only animal that is defined by the act of living. a person spends a life time changing themselves. without life there can be no meaning. "existentially speaking, the search for the meaning of life is the search for self. we define ourselves by living." so suicide shows you have chosen to have no meaning.

good ol Sartre asked, "How do you really act in private?"
it is here humans truly are themselves. there is no outside influence. or are we really "ourselves" in private? for all we know we could be the same sad attempt at social acceptability we try to convey as a member of society. but i guess that answers the question. we are one way with others, and completely different, perverted and queer, alone. simple as that. maybe not so extreme as to be noticed by anyone, even yourself, but it is more than likely.
think about how you are with your peers. your private thoughts even. thoughts are always there, not necessarily shown outwardly, but the actions of personal, maybe taboo preferences, are left for private.

"It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not know how to become anything: neither spiteful nor kind, neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is only the fool who becomes anything.... I am forty years old now.... To live longer than forty years is bad manners, is vulgar, immoral. Who does live beyond forty? Answer that, sincerely and honestly. I will tell you who do: fools and worthless fellows."

If something worth living for is worth dying for, what about something not worth dying for?

3s² is the derivative of s³...which is on the way for solving volume issues...the volume of a cube is lxwxh or (s)(s)(s) or s³

3/5

one of the most painful things you can do is remember the future, and realize you can never have it. it seems that life is the place i have come to fear the most. i should live my life as a recluse from this abomination we call a society. i cant stand this modern world, this "peak of human existence." it's appalling. i seriously wonder what the rest of the world is like. maybe it's just america that's ignorant. this godforsaken country. or maybe human nature has deteriorated so much that everyone the world over is a fucking idiot. if so kill me now. the stupidity that runs rampant through the schools, the jobs, the government. and it's a terrible feeling when you begin to think that you yourself are being drawn into it. i feel it. and ill be damned if i'm not going to do something about it. i'm not doing anything all weekend. reading and studying biology. who knows, maybe ill come up with a cure for cystic fibrosis. that would be interesting. i'm going to accomplish things this weekend instead of aimlessly wandering grudgingly through my days. i really will end up a loner. i get that way sometimes. i will be really into human contact, then all of a sudden ill abhor it. solitude makes life easier, bearable, and even worthwhile. if i lived alone, i wouldn't have to worry about any person or any thing else and i could just be happy and think. when there is no society around to compare myself to, i am society. i am whatever i need to be whenever i need to be it. from this time forth, im not going to do nothing. i will always be doing something productive. and if i am not, do not tell me because i will already know and i do not like having things i know repeated. i hate not receiving credit that's due and that makes me feel as if i do not even get the courtesy of an assupmtion that i know what you do.
sometimes there is this nice warm secure place of quiet contemplative apathy i find. it's soothing. nothing else matters. there is no pain. there is only an objective stream of thought that is completely arbitrary, but means everything in the world. so a pinprick will not do anything. its hard to explain how im getting by on so little. there has to be something that would be worthwhile for me to keep on going. the harder i push the harder i fall. (if anyone knows me at all they know what im listening to as i write this) and it certainly is trite, but damn it im always wrong. except in the case of 3s². basically it would seem i do not care anymore. and that i need to be alone. this way i couldnt hurt anyone and no one could hurt me. hah what a great idea. no that's not the reason. life would easier and in its own right more interesting for me. i could have my own revelations and realizations and think them over and over and enjoy the pure bliss that arises from seeing a tree on your home street of 14 years in a totally new perspective. in such a way that you never thought possible. or standing on a sidewalk and staring at a deep gray sky and being happier than you've ever been, imaging you are somewhere else entirely. i could contemplate all day. and contemplate my life away. because really there is no point to life. there is this awful attempt at life that society feeds us. money, success, and greed. oh how simple it would to be gone with it all. oh look here's the beginnings of my college essay, (paraphrased) "take and aspect of contemporary society that you wish to remove and explain why." after we do live this life whose patterns and systems have been drilled into us from lives past, we die. a beautiful cessation of existence. going out with a bang. oh if only. live fast die hard..ha!...live fast die slow, live slow die slower. once you die it doesn't really matter. what's there to be scared of? you simply cease to be and there is nothing else. you do not know you are dead. your consciousness vanishes. though i suppose your brain would hold your entire life's memories in it, properly supplied with nutrients and oxygen of course. i want to know what happens if someone dies, but you keep blood and oxygen to the brain, and keep eyes operational. would someone see? as long as the brain lives, we do. so i guess after the 12 minutes or so the brain holds charge after we "die," we then really die. our brains stop and thought stops. and we wouldn't know any different. so there is no reason to be scared of death. the way i see it there is more to be scared of in life than in death. I'll beat this damned inferiority complex by disproving every known method of measurement and rating. haha fuck the metric system! except no. not that type or measuring. it doesn't matter. if i do not believe in it, it doesn't exist in my little representation of existence..so take that SAT. take that every standardized test. you do not test what someone really knows. alas i must conform to make it in this world. at least for the next four years if i can take or make it. then i can live the way i want. without the standards and expectations placed on me by my peers and society. its far too long. what do you think will happen? self-realizations, self-reliance, a productive existence, self-education, the acquisition of knowledge, musical creativity, new outlooks and perceptions, intelligence, rational and insightful thinking, life the way i want it and the way i am. my meaning of life. what i strive for.

so what ill do is learn to play some van halen and be happy with this...cos jump is a fuckin awesome song! oh god its making me happy listening to it. good shit. maybe now i can be happy for a while instead of a few days...

[soundtrack to the post: Jump - Van Halen]

Mini muu: I'm trying to figure out this thing w/ Mr. Bois.
Mini muu: and I realized that if you know (which you do) that he's always going to take away one wrong answer, whether you've picked the right one or not, then its a two door question from the beginning
Mini muu: hahahahhahahahahhaah....I figured it out...my life is no longer worth living, I will not see you tomorrow
Auto response from Mini muu: Don't change your choice of doors you FOOLS!!!

good ol crazy danny hahaha

today wasnt so bad at all for once in a while. im not really sure how i feel...cos il be happy one second and sad about some most trivial matter. once i finally think ive made up my mind, it changes again...its getting close though. so maybe one day soon ill know. but for now i must do ap bio, and english, co si need to do the work before the day it's due. and i think saturday i am going to see the matrix revolution. i heard it sucked, but im still going to see it anyway. i have to complete the trilogy. and now...now i eat, and maybe do work...think about you..cos thats all i do..

[soundtrack to the post: the misinformation age - Darkest Hour]

.....no idea...numb...im just floating through the days trying hard not to beat the shit out of some people. life is being a bitch...im not liking it much...but it will get better soon. ill just say fuck it.

[soundtrack to the post: sattelites and astronauts - In Flames]

god i hate how the SAT has become the universal key to determining intelligence. i know it isnt really. not at all. but society has built it up that way. if you dont do good on the SAT, you fail at life. its socially advantageous to do well on the SAT, which is just complete bull shit. knowing words and relationships on a test and memorizing math ins and outs isnt really what measures intelligence. though everyone believes it. which brings me to the question as to what intelligence really is...hell if know anymore. i feel smart sometimes. but i dont remember anything. i dont know if i actually learn things anymore. like its all going in and right out. ugh im tired. gotta work oj this some more tomorrow.

[soundtrack to the post: Adelleda - Alexisonfire]

humans are female by deafault, unless testosterone is present during the 3rd and 4th month after conception
ballad of a perfectionist with an inferiority complex

well yeah...so i got an 1130...im studying hard to get better scores on the next SAT. ill get into the schools i want to go to with that score, but my pride was shattered. it sucked ass. depressing. but as of now im reviewing and working at it. got straight A's. always nice. hopefully ill be in the top of the class. i need to find that out. im dumb like that. its not fair that people wiht less classes might possibly get higher GPA's simply because they have less classes to divide their points by. its crap. ugh. shits been way too complicated and stressful. mostly at home in that we have no money. at least i have a free ride to CUA, which is good cos ill prolly go there since its free. but otherwise we have no money, so guess what...no christmas...she gets two christmases, i got none, both options suck ass. dad's seeing the therapist 3 times a week now. no idea what about...some crisis hes having that i cant know about. grades were getting on my case but i got those now. so not a problem anymore. but this inferiority complex that i have just realized, or, i supposed i knew i was liek this, just i didnt want to admit it and tell people. well yeah. i hate not being the best. no idea why. im an only child. i have no competition. i dont know where it came from. maybe i have nothing to compare myself to. oh well. thats how it is. and bionic man. their old bass player lisa came back. she sings too so its good for them. i cant be in the band anymore really. theyre too old. i mean theyre 30 and im 17. shit i cant be friends with them like i was with time out of line. i grew up with them. theyre my best friends. i want time out of line back so bad. i spose eric and shane grew up together too, but i didnt do so with them so i dont have that bond. and they want to push the new album and try to make it semi-big. well id love to do that. but i cant. i have school and college and all this shit to worry about here at home. i cant afford it either. i have money. i guess i will when i work over thanksgiving break, but otherwise no. its all tough. im tired of being stressed and stressed from so tired. its crap. so no one fuck with me cos i will fuck with you right back and you wont like it. im a pretty easy going nice guy, but whem im angry, dont fuck with me. ill go off and say shit that will tear down all your self esteen. probably because i have none. oh well either way dont try to start any shit. i can make your life miserable. ok im done bitching, time to work. enjoy your night.

[soundtrack to the post: accessible losses - Darkest Hour]

ah the blogger is getting revamped...so its a little less confusing...and so theres more stuff..i jsut need to do other stuff too...but ill find pleeenty of time. yaawn and i need nap...and homework. but getting straight A's made my day. 3 APs and all A's will definately give me a nice GPA. there will be a more serious post later...i got stuff to do as of now. enjoy your day.

[soundtrack to the post: Bed Of Roses - Bon Jovi]

so yeah...the past few days have rocked sooooo hard...not much sleep. too much partying...yep yup. damn today ive downloaded 2.55 gigs of music...and still tongs more to go...we'll see tomorrow morning how much i have...probaby a lot...im a loser hahah..but i love my music...so yeah. this band rhapsody!! soooooo fuckin awesome...its lord of the rings if it were music, and metal, and celtic...its so fuckin epic i cant control myself. its balls out motherfucker! sooo goodl...haha. drama drama drama. it somehow surrounds me...and yes i now admit im a whore. its true. kidna sucky but what can ya do. no more denial. hmm sleeeeeep. i need sleeeeep...and music. there was something else i was gonna say....oh well. night b

[hot jam: Boogie Woogie Wu - Insane Clown Posse]

good night all...hope your day was good. hope homecoming was fun ;) soooooooooooo tired...im gonna pass out in a second...

[hot jam: Hard as a Rock - AC/DC]

time to shower...been trying to get my fucking computer to scan...it prints...thats all i need...and damn AIM isnt workign right either. oh well. easy fix. out.

you certainly are one petty motherfucker arent you? grow up already

tonight rocked thoroughly. the show was tight as was the company. now to bed. and look at that 4000 visits.. haha im a loser. oh well its fun. out.

[hot jam: Some Tyrant - Kate Rusby]

fuckin at the gates rips! fuck this new metal shit...its all about the swedish death metal...could fuck slipknot in the ass and leave them dead on their mother's door step (i dont like slipknot and am bitter that they are considered metal)

today was great....tired...night

[hot jam: nausea - At The Gates]

woooo i beat minesweeper on expert twice...its soo easy now!

What Irrational Number Are You?

You are √2 You are in good company, many other square roots are also irrational numbers. Just by being a square root you have been branded a radical. You are considered very attractive, especially by Europeans (at least on paper.) You fear that a relationship with another √2 may somehow end up complex and ultimately imaginary. In reality, only another √2 will make you whole. Your lucky number is approximately 1.41421356

Shiny Lemur Straif's Blog

well shit fuck cock suck...life is so bland and depressing...shit is tough. im dealing. but man its some shit. everything was fine...now its just kinda unwinding... i can barely handle my life right now, how could i handle a relationship wiht anyone? i really dont know...i really couldnt manage it. i hope youre not mad/sad/ and that you understand..i wish it was easier..damn. "rememeber the only thing we need somtimes is chilly nights and warmer thighs, cos nothings like being held sometimes..""this song will become the anthem of your underground. youre two floors down getting high in the back room. if i flooded out your house do you think youd make it out. or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs? and at your funeral i will sing the requiem."

[hot jam: Hold - Saves The Day]

oh man...computers suck...so do depressed fathers...so does haveng no money...so does life...i miss my friends...

[hot jam: I Want To Save You - Something Corporate]

yeah i dunno. its just fucking whatever.

fuuucked up..daaamn i need to get some...hah wow. drunk adn horny...what a mix...sheeeit...well, yeah. heh. hmmmm...yeah im tired and confused...go daylight savings though for real. an extra hour?? man sleepin late like shit!

[Music: Invalid Litter Dept. - At the Drive-In]

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

[Music: Terror - Age of Ruin]

heh well what do ya know?



Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

[Music: Echoes in Stained Glass - Age of Ruin]

whats this? strike anywhere playing with the bouncing souls?? shti i remember when i hung out with the guys from strike anywhere back in the day and helped them load there equipment into a show a the UMD student union....what liek 2-3 uears ago? man how times change...and a band ive rocked out to since 7th grade, man the bouncing souls are the shit... good ol nostalgia

Fri dec 5 st andrews church
4512 college ave
college park , MD good clean fun
fairweather
darkest hour
age of ruin
stars hide fire $8
6:00 pm



fuuuuuuck yeah this show will be soooooo fuckin packed...st andrews hasnt been around for two fuckin years. it was the shit back in the day.

[Music: Echoes in Stained Glass - Age of Ruin]

youre sweatin my delivery...dont copy people so much for crhist's sake...its so fake...

[Music: The Crimson Fails Forever - Age of Ruin]

is it enough to say i miss you more than ever right now? and you just left a few hours ago...

yaaawn....today sucked ass...1130 on the SAT. which isnt that bad, but i know i could do better, at least 1200, and my parents arent making me feel any better about it. damnit. it blows. and im all alone. friday night and all alone. i was out for a while wiht old friends so that was fun. but now im just pitiful. damnit. listening to age of ruin and drinking root beer. great fun. so yeah...im off cos i have nothing else to say. except im going to bed....anyone care to join me? i could use a good person to sleep next to. thats all i ask. just be next to me....one day maybe...

[Music: Terror - Age of Ruin]

do you think maybe one night i could get a decent night's sleep? maybe once? just tonight? i go to sleep, but am never fully asleep or stay asleep. its horrible. i wake up feeling tired all the time. never, not even on weekends do i get energy. i hate it. when will i get sleep?

[Music: Jupiter - cave in]

You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.

"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from
the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets
and used them to peer into the souls of those
on trial to make a judgement. He knew that
with endless knowledge came endless
responsibility."

Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena
(Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya
(Indian).
The Dragon is associated with the concept of
intelligence, the number 5, and the element of
wood.
His sign is the crescent moon.

As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and
wise individual. You weigh options by looking
at how logical they are and you know that while
there may not always be a right or wrong
choice, there is always a logical one. People
may say you are too indecisive, but it's only
because you want to do what's right. Dragons
are the best friends to have because they're
willing to learn.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

[Music: Mr. Chainsaw - The Alkaline Trio]

We're not getting younger and its getting colder. I still cant believe we still wander these streets, cloudy skies marking our way. It is merely a brisk november day in the city. Down in the bear concrete streets and school yards we stand watch as drugs are dealt, fights break out, and knives brandished. It's too cloudy for the world's own good and each mistake of the sky in concealment of the sun is welcomed. I dont know what to say about it. No one seems to care about a few poor kids quarreling in streets. Why should they care about such a small sliver of society? well they damn well should. cuz this is where i'm from. This is my life and ill be damned if someone tells me its not as real as theirs. Fuck 'em. I love my concrete wastelands. I love the cold streets in winter. I love not seeing any trees for miles. I love seeing crack dealers sell to my mother. I love my life. And who the fuck are you to say you know? you'll see your ass through all new eyes after i shove a gun up there....Dont fuck with us.

What Modest Mouse song are you? {pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

[Music: Three's a Party - Kid Dynamite]

sooo, if i live at home during college....itll be $5000 a year for UMD...maybe if i get scholarships i can manage..hopefully...if not CUA is just fine

[Music: Wrist Rocket - Kid Dynamite]

its top secret....no one will ever know...except you..yes you...you know who you are. but alas it is only you. working out. then dinner. then. more working out. then wonderment. then. think. then college shit. then. drive. then. then....

[Music: Wake Up - Rage Against the Machine]

so yeah im workin on my college essays and junx. gotta get it all together and mail it out. ill surprise you dont worry ;) and yes. ...sexy tummies...mmm....hehe ok back to work

[Music: Autobiography of a Nation - Thursday]

Take the Affliction Test Today!

tonihgt was full of mind-blowing revalations. much malt liqour..damn i was fucked up. chillin with the old kids from growing up. man i missed them. its all of us back together again. dude. i think that if we move apart, we should still keep in touch and meet up once a yaer at least. fun times could be continued. but yeah. i determined a theory of the history of life: graph of the history is a variable repeating 3D sine curve. it is amazing. there is a web of history. ill draw it. or just shwo it to you. but man does it make sense. its beautiful. and im really tiured. so im going to bed. out

[Music: Drunkship of Lanterns - The Mars Volta]

im bored...so ill work out...when i really should be doign homework...but who needs to do wokr anyway? yeah really. chill. ill just not care. come back.

ok so maad shows coming up....good thing i have a tiny bit of money still....

brand new Thursday, OCT 30
hot rod circuit $12.00
eisley

Alkaline Trio Tuesday, NOV 11
Reggie & The Full Effect $16.00
From Autumn to Ashes
No Motiv

Saves the Day Wednesday, NOV 12
Taking Back Sunday $18.50
Moneen

Thrice Thursday NOV 20
Thursday $16.00
Coheed and Cambria

and now i know where i got my icredible ability to make people cry with my bitterness...thanks steve. growing up with you was the best. its nice to be able to voice it all in such a rage. i don tknow why. better than holes in walls, windows, and my arm.

so im rather well off, and im looking to buy a house. in fact i think its the house that is on the corner of adelphi and the first right before wells pkwy. and so im looking around and i go to the basement and i get these realy weird vibes. so theres a bunk bed pushed against these two doors taht just wont open. i dont bother and i assume i take the house. after a while i am still getting creeped out by the doors and the odd stains at the foot of the door. so i give up and put the house up for sale. rather quickly, a family comes to see it. they want to know whats behind the two doors.i tell them i dont know and that i have never been able to open them. right as i said that, the stain on teh floor grows, becomes more prominently blood red, and extends out of the room and up the stairs. out the window by the landing and out to the back seat of their car. we all run up after the path of blood. and out of the car floats the mother of the two kids and the wife of their father, with a bloody chest frmo a 8in kitchen knife. as i see her i remember how i killed her and dragged her body down the stairs in to the closet. somehow i got it into the house while it was vacant and then bought it. so it wouldnt look like i did it., then i forgot i had done it. so now there is dead person floating around in the front yard and it happens to be their mother. how can that poissibly happen??


so then i wake up...and its 11:30 adn im even more thrown off cos it should be 7am. when i usually wake up. but i was only asleep for an hour and a half. so now im all wigged out and not tired. cos i feel like i really got all my sleep for the night even though i didnt. and im freaked out. cos im stressed out as fuck. crazy. adn my chest pains are coming back. im guessing from stress. so i guess ill be up all night...hopefully not. wheres that vodka? maybe she will put me to sleep. i need it more than ever. sleeeep.....brand new.

[Music: I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light - Brand New]

and the asshole of the year award goes to yours truly

hunched over an empty bottle and blood on the broken mirror
crouched in the corner with the shelves and books hiding my broken bones
shit all i wish is to be anywhere but here
i want to deal with anything else but me

i cant think so ill stand in the cold with a guitar on my back
i only i wish i could sing myself to oblivion
maybe then no one would ever get hurt
maybe forever i could be dead and gone

yeah its true breaking up is hard to do
hardest time to look yourself in the eye and not cry
im hoping ill die fast and hard, no tears to shed if there's no pain
but tonight ill soak your hair with tears and my heart cant beat on any longer

hands down this is the worst day i can remember
you can bet "ender" is singing me to sleep tonight
i guess sleep means passed out on the floor with a bottle of beast
i can never remember to forget how much it hurts
i hurt too much. youve gotta be wrong, i cant still be living
youve gotta do the job, and dump my body down stream from here.

what the fuck? im emo...im not supposed to break hurts...or am i the rock star emo? that's the kind that to it. damn you brand new...damn you taking back sunday.....if thats the case i nevre want to be a rock star

one day you'll be a man.
"And men can do terrible things."
Yes they can

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change

too many too windy days...."he always made fucking up look cool" floats through my head. i hope i can be forgiven.
well, on another note. today was good. woke up at 2....after getting home at 4:30....man i need to go to sleep soon. im tiiired. then chillage. hot dogs and smores. good shit...well for now...out.

i cant wait to get the fuck out of high school...the people there suck..stupid bitches..save for a few people

yeah well its my turn i guess...its been happening to me for too long. and i make myself happy. you just need to believe

december 5!!! st andrews opens again!!! its been closed for two years and no shows have been around...but now theyre gonna be bacl. i cant fuckin wait.!!!!

oh man...so fucking tired. i guess workng out will do that to you. but at 9 o'clock? heh it feels like summer when i went to bed at 10 every night cos working in the fields in beltsville all day tired me out. btu yea. today was a good day. a beautiful mind is an awwwesome movie. really really good. tugs at the heart strings. heh. the jig is up. the how is not. i haev that going for me. and yeah . SAT sucks ass. buuut in the middle of writing this....or after i woke up from my litle nap when i started writing this, my plans were all but obsoloete. beat me to it didnt ya ;) heheh i dont mind though. not ooooone bit. heheh tonight rooooocked. rocked oi tell you! rocked....hehe..good night love.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

what is it? 2 days away feels like a lifetime right now

so tonight was fuckin awesome. saw justine play at open mic night. then i had to follow her with my mediocre vocals. but i did well. thats wgat i was told :) it was fun. i had my eyes closed the whole time though. sooo nervous. but next week. i wont be. more songs. more than one. saw annie!!! havent chilled with her in sooo long. galina was there too. cool cool. and danny and lucy showed up. rockin gang we got going.
so....i suck. but i rock. oi. confusing. i guess not so much now. oi....so yeah. today rocked. tomorrow will to. and the rest of the week. as long as you dont get sick. for now. sleep. out.

[music: taking back sunday - there's no I in team]

its been determined. i know what to do. this weekend rocked. more than any other weekend in the near past. man. yummily ;)

you never knew, well i never told you, every thing i know about breaking hearts i learned from you its true. i never did it with the style and grace you have. ive made lots of plans, based on these mistakes.

taking back sunday

i fuckin love guitar!! music rocks my fucking world. and people with really awesoem voices do to. and life rocks still. look at that. its great. i got songs coming out my ass. figuratively. i have two or three more i need to hammer out and then put on the site. ill have a cd soon enough. oh man. rock. im raising my goblet of rock!!

man life rocks!!!! i dont know where to begin....everything just fuckign rocks.

so simple

its been far too long since i really saw the stars
and its been way too long since ive stood laughing under the dim street lamps
4am is the best time to walk, i can be alone with me
its quiet and dark and nothing can touch me

its so simple, id pick the brightest star in the sky and name it for you
and id pick the most beaitiful star and hand it to the most beautiful girl
so ill be waiting here searching for your star, watching my breath float into the night
and when i find you, you will have your very own star. ill be your star. can i be your strar?

" Well I got sour news for you, jack. It ain't that easy.
For instance, are you willing to make the commitment to wakin' up
at the crack a' noon, for deep-knee rock squats!?
Seven or eight at a time!? In a row?
How 'bout are you willing to make the commitment
to rock-hard tasty abs washer-board style?
Glistening in the sun. How 'bout are you willin' to make the commitment,
wakin' up, goin' okay, it's gig time, what t-shirt am I gonna wear?
Can't decide: Can't decide: Brain aneurysm!
We've been through so much bullshit just to be here tonight
to rock your fuckin' socks off.

tenacious d

With karate I'll kick your ass
Here to Tiennamen Square.
Oh yeah, muthafucka,
I'm 'onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.

Kyle betrayed me
And then he lied tried to hide
And I died deep inside
And you know the reason why.

I'm 'onna kick your ass
From here to right over there.
Oh yeah muthafucka,
I'm 'onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.

[music: karate - tenacious d]

hm that last thing was angry. meh. yeeah so today was pretty good. its academic lost 4 out 5 matches but important chilling was allowed. then chillgin with robert and stuffs. saw kelly. shes awesome as usual. thheeen homecoming. go me actually going to a "real" high school event....


ok so i wrote that last night when i got home at 5:30am complelty drunk off my ass. i dont know what it had to do wiht anything. either way yesterday rocked. im tired. and playign guitar. and yeeah. im confused. risky.

shes a bitch in general. youre a bitch in general. fuck off. dont say shit to me. i could care fucking less about your life. it sucks too much anyway. youre a horrible person and i wouldnt care if i never saw you again. itd make me a lot happier. then i wouldnt have to be annoyed everytime i see you or speak to you. everything you do is fake and you know it. i wish everyone else did too. i wish they knew that you are such an awful person inside. under all the facades you wear to make yourself seem better. so you feel better about yourself. dont ever talk to me again. there are so many games you play to get friends because you have none. and even then you fail. fuck off and drive into the ocean. any way so youre out of my life. dont judge anything you see until you have some remote shred of intelligence. when you know something, then judge all you like. but until then, dont even bother looking at me fucker. run from all your problems like you always do. read this and cry.

"raise the goblet of rock!"

hands down i have the best friends in the world. you guys rock!!! thanks to everyone who came out and cheered us on. :) it meant a lot to me to see you guys there. and to see all you guys i havent seen or hung out wiht in forever. man. tonight makes me want to be a rock star so bad. sitting at the drums in front of the whole auditorium, yeah i know it was an auditorium, but it was fucking awesome. all those people. watching us!! i mean daaaamn. it got me all excited. im gonna get a band and we're going to fucking make it. cant rush it yet. most bands out there these days are in their mid to late 20s. so i got time. i love my friends so much. and i fucking love music. tonight was great. after the show, kathryn, justine, roger, marianne, teresa, nancy, lucy, peter, and i went to wendy's, the proceeded to smuggle food into "school of rock." such an awesome fucking movie. it pumped me up even more. so now im all exctied. and fuck if im going to sleep. haha. tonight was so much fun. broke a drum stick the first song. still used it. signed it and gave it to marianne. sheeeit. excitement. gotta make it big one day. i cant fucking wait. wooooo!! :)
i love my life, i love my friends. out.

[music: juliana theory - this is your life]

hot and spicy, kinda like love and your ex

apple cinnamon cheerios, hot salsa and chips, something is reeally wrong wiht my appetite. well i guess not since im eating a lot. but either way fooood rocks. so yes. i didnt feel like staying for the crappy pep rally at school. so i left. and now i am here. eating. waiting for the show tonight which will be rocking muchly. eeeveryone is coming :) yeah so steven stavely rocks my world haha. i was playing a time out of line song on drums at the sound check, and he knew exactly what it was. he is sooo awesome hahaha. yeha im a dork. but when someone knows your music its beautiful. hm so yeah. time to clean my room some more. out.

love is for suckers (who's the sucker now?)

warm and fuzzy and hearing loss...sleeping in again. i always could make fucking up look good.
i could sit and wait all day only for your call. and i cant see any other girl anytime im with you.
next time it rains you'll get your kiss. next time a movie plays you know we'll be there,
hand in hand underneath the blanket. and ill rub my thumb along your fingers, just for you,
so you know im still there. i never thought a brush of the knees ever meant so much.
i play the hugs off like they dont start my heart running a marathon,
cos im hoping you wont feel my heart beating through my chest.
and im hoping one day you'll know what that feels like to feel my heart beating through my shirt
i hope one day youll feel my lips touch your cheek. feel my soft nothings in your ear.
i hope one day youll feel my warmth on a cold winter night. cloudy and calm.
i hope one day you know my heart beats for someone that is no else but you.

the most conceited thing you'll ever hear me say

man i really bitter still. stupid superlatves at school. i shouldnt be so concerned with them i know. i should be in the most talented or most likely to be famous. i dont mean to sound conceited or super egotistical but, i really deserve to be there. hands down i am the best guitar player in the school. probably best bass player too. i may not be the best song writer, but i can play damn well. and the people that were on the list, minus daniel, dont really compare. see daniel is a frickin awesome artist, we worked on my music video together. he is awesome. but everyone else is on the yearbook committee. they just put them on there. i know them, and they dont have any real talents. one of the things i hate is not receiving recognition for things i accomplish or do. or someone else tries to take the spot light who doesnt deserve it. i dont even have to be involved just in general its awful. i hate being around ignorant people who are just in it for their own gain. and they fail to see the people who truly should be recognized. in short, people suck.
yeah im makign too big a deal out of this. but ive gone too long with people thinking they are better than me at something and bragging about it to me. and i know i am better. hm ill stop bitching cos im sure its really annoying. oh well. people should die. out.

[music: coheed and cambria - elf power with vox]

oi...so yes today was another day, who would have thought? well yeah. i dunno. it was good. frisbee and hoody trading...ducking and running ;) band practice chillage at college perk with danny, issac, and justine...and katie for a little. alwasy much fun. i like zendo. great game. so yeah, satruday its academic tournament, then homecoming. and i have nooo idea what to wear. cos if my date wears something all nice and i dont!!! ahhh im such a girl hahaha. yeeah. so im tired. time to play hearts for a bit then sleep late. out.

[music: get up kids - better half]