taking a look back to march 2002: written under the pretense that "she" is meShe sang his requiem as she stared off into the night, weeping, tearing at the earth, wondering. Wondering if she could ever love another as she loved him. the stars seemed to weep with her as they fell from the mid night air and melted with her tears, to form a stream in the upturned dirt. her best friend, her lover, stolen away from her by life’s evils. “Why” she asked, “why have you taken him from me!?” she screamed at the night, screamed his name. All the moments they spent, all the seconds they shared, sprung to life in her head. She saw his face, felt his breath, heard his voice, calm and soft, whispering in her ear. she turned to greet him but was met by emptiness. the man she loved was gone from all but her heart. she ran, ran as fast as she could, as far as she could. her weeping driving her on. the faster she ran the closer she could be to him. she ran and ran, not knowing where her feet carried her, until she stopped. she came to the place where His existence came to an end. she stared over the edge. stared at the night sky, singing his requiem, weeping. And finally, she let love pull her over the edge. She is now with the love of her life, never are they to be separated, only in life was that possible. But their separation from life brought them together. In life they learned to love...in death they live...in death they love...
she dreamt of one time so long ago. they were together, staring off into the dark obsidian night, watched as the stars flickered in their infinite light. they talked of nothing, of silly things. it wasnt deep meaningful conversation, but their words ran deep within their hearts and they meant the world. it mattered not of what they spoke of. his voice, just to hear it, made joy well up from her heart, her heart that so truly loved him. his touch would make her tingle. and when she whispered “i love you” in his hear, he would hold her tight, as close as humanly possible. She prayed that the moment would never end. that he would be there forever. she could not hold back the smile. it felt almost unnatural. she awoke with tears streaming down her cheeks, she awoke with no one beside her. was it all a dream? it was a dream form long ago. he had been real, as real as can be, and she wished he wasnt. she beat her pillow, screamed at it, tore at it, cursed it and herself. she didnt want him to be real, for him to be real would cause her too much pain. she knew she could not bear it. she knew, she knew he was real. he was as real as ever he could have been. and he was gone. reality, mortality had stolen his precious life. why couldnt he stay a dream? she could have him in a dream. she could never lose him in a dream. but he was real. and his reality destroyed him. now he’s only a dream. and in dreams he lives, loved eternally.
“what,” she asked, “what is love?” she thought she knew once. there was a man she thought she knew, she thought she loved. should love have caused so much pain? should she put up with it? being beat senseless? should she take the pain? should she have to compete with his best friend for time to see her? she put in 110% and he did nothing. she loved him more than anything yet he seemed complacent to her feelings. she pretended not to care, pretended the pain wasnt really there. after all, she was in love, and if youre in love, your feelings dont matter one bit. she believed that horribly twisted idea. how could she put up with all this? she did everything she could so that she could see him, and he always said that they saw each other enough. she was starting to unravel. her heart was torn apart, burned by tears, tears of hate, and of the intense grief her soul brimmed with, almost overflowing. she knew she could barely keep it all together. she hated him. she despised everything he said. his voice brought an infuriating thrust of anger to her heart, and the taste of tears to her lips. only she knew how many nights her pillows were soaked by tears. only she knows why she still loves him. does she still love him? could she bear her insufferable burden any longer? could she love anymore in the face of his torment? she declared an end to her love. but she wanted to wait and hope her love returned. deep inside she dreamt of the day in which that feeling would leave. if she ceased her affection, he would not care in the slightest. she decided to make sure her love could never rear its ugly head again. if her heart stopped, she could not love. and thats exactly what she did. she stopped her heart. and as she closed her eyes, she closed her heart, and knew she would never love him again.
...she turned up the music ever louder to drown out her sorrows and extinguish her causticly pessimistic mindset. his mother despised her. she was "unworthy," not good enough to love or be loved by her son. his mother could not stop them from loving, but she could stop them from being near to each other, and she did just that. She crushed the hopes, and dreams, and deep love of two innocent hearts, who longed only for the company of the the other. and thinking this, she let sleep overcome her despair and hatred of this wrethced woman, and prayed she would not lose her love.
her dreams captivated her. he took her, and danced, round and round silently under the stars. moving to the beat of their hearts, feeling the other's warmth. nothing could touch them, love enveloped them and nothing else could manage its way into their minds. and so they dropped to the ground, filled with passion, the kissed and loved. they were as close as humanly possible, yet that seemed not enough. he picked her up and they walked that night to the bus station. they rode the bus as far as they could, they didnt care where it went as long as they were there, side-by-side, together.
slowly she awoke from this wonderful dream, to see him at her window in the middle of the warm summer night, calling to her. she went with him. they danced, held in eachother's arms, made love in the soft grass, and arrived at the bus station. they boarded the next bus in. not caring where it went. as long as they were toghether. she pinched herself. this was her dream, yet it was real, they were leaving forever. and she smiled, letting the words flow off her lips to his ear. "I love you" she said. "I though you were gone forever, I thought our love was shattered beyond a billion pieces, I thought of this night, I dreamt this night, and this night came.....I love you." she slept that night on his shoulder as the bus passed effortlessly along the dark road. and happily ever after they lived.....until she woke up...
Day after day, she wathces as her friends stare at the drifting clouds as she talks to them. They listen, but comprehension is a skill they have yet to learn. She would speak of a serious matter, ask a sincere question, that could never possibly warrant laughter. And they respond with a chuckle, and go on thinking their incredibly self-centered thoughts, believeing their response was appropriate.
Her words bounce off their clumsy excuses for heads and she watches in agony as they endlessly patronize her. They have no care for her. She is just one who does not matter to them at all, but they would gladly have her think it. She holds no prestige in their hearts, no importance in their minds. They view her as a steping stone with no worth, that would happily give itself to be stepped upon. She wished she wouldnt, but she knew no other way, no alternate path. The perfect altruist, made of other's needs, not of her own. She had put up the charade too many grueling years, gone too far from her original self that she no longer had any hope of knowing again who she really was. There is no doubt she has tried, repeatedly greeted by failure, to find her own mind in the void that is the masses' lives.
Every thing, every thought, is clouded by petty desires, clouded by lust and discontent with what is possessed. The best must be obtained at all costs, no matter whose poor soul is destroyed in the process. Unreachable things unrelentlessly distract the obsessed minds of the righteous and self-righteous alike. But once they are obtained, they lose their mystery and magnificence. They are discarded, left by the arogant being that cares only for themselves. The people beaten down are forgotten, past desires erased. All clouded over and deleted, paving the way for still more destruction of souls.
You cannot live purely for the good of others. Others do not care if youre hurt, they dont care about your past, present, and future. They will be the first to stop your speech and tell their story and best your life. Why couldnt her life be clouded? Why couldnt she care only for herself?
She watched, day after day, as the clouds surround and capture and entrance her friends. She searched around herself, on guard for clouds. All she saw was herself, and that is nothing more, than nothing...
[soundtrack to the post: Turpentine Chaser - Dashboard Confessional]
