ok so maybe i've figured it out? ill just fuck living in the past...i get so tied up in remembering old times and old happiness that i often forget the present and future. im looking for happiness in the past and trying to get back there. but its gone. its dead. its over. whats done is done. you live you learn. i need to actually apply that and learn from what ive done. ive done so much that i really wish i hadnt. fucked up so many things, said so many fucked up things. but hey at least now i know not to do it again. it pains me so much i dont think i could. it already started. two times ive had the ability to do something again...i didnt. something in me couldnt. well maybe im learning. listening to whats goin on. considering the consequences. but lets see. i went from a point of not caring about much other than myself, to nearly a complete altruist; that was wholly unhealthy. then i had a pretty good balance but lost it. i dont know im rambling. i have noting to say. im working on things. its tough.