quantum physics is the bane of my existence

"...why is mathematics so effective in describing nature and is mathematics an invention of the human mind or part of the fabric of physical reality?"

i have often wondered that myself. why IS mathematics so good at describing the world? who is to say that two trees ARE two trees and not three. who's to say three isn't fifteen? consistent labeling has allowed humanity to leave our planet. it has allowed us to drive steam engines across continents (while [in]humanly enslaving others physically, emotionally, and culturally). patterns and the identification of such made for incredibly ancient calendars. so what if it's all wrong? there are things we cannot describe with contemporary mathematics. we, well scientists, are simultaneously looking at the most infinite expanses in the universe and the most infinitesimally small particles that KIND of exist. they are beyond conventional and even theoretical physics. what does that say for our "math?" it has brought civilization this far. god, i mean the church certainly didn't do it (sorry jesus, your pops ain't gettin' no props). good ol fashion human ingenuity. yeppers. that's the shit right there. but now it could kill us all in a single blast (thank you manhattan project). will this imaginary mathematics ever save us? lead us into understanding? it's about time humans evolved again. where you at third limb??







oh, heey there!

dont be scared, it's just a name

"how the hell are we going to keep up with our retired employee health benefits when we can barely keep our doors open???" GM (generally misguided). maybe i'm blinded by my own biases, but i really can't think of any other solution to these problems than a nationalized health care system. c'mooon Obama, where's that shit at?? oh, right. socialism. baad. "democapitalocracy." good. hmpf. socialism seems to have this scary aura about it, when really it could probably fix shit. the more i hear about this economic shit storm, the more i hear about problems related to health care and benefits. the answer seems to be right there. i guess i should file my taxes now to get my money before it's all gone. i thin i should start my training in (s)wordsmithery to defend myself if the world comes to fisticuffs.

when i was a young lad, i looked up at the infinite heavens and could not help but stand in awe. the size of the universe, the sheer number of stars and infinitesimally small feeling i got from it was incredible. soon after the thought arose that with so many stars, so many other solar systems and so many galaxies, there must be another one of me looking back at me on some other planet earth, in another maryland, in another hyattsville, in another exact replica of my backyard. the possibilities, with so much supposedly infinite space in the universe, are endless, therefore allowing, at least by my own logic (and apparently the logic of astrophysicists as i have recently learned) there to be another planet earth. This would then mean that everything could be happening simultaneously here and there. As i think to write this sentence, my counterpart is doing the exact same thing, at the exact same time. that begs the question though, that if the chances that things are happening at the same time are not as high as if that same "universe" or "existence" was rolling along ahead or behind my own, is my destiny already predetermined? if not trillions of light years away? that would also open up time travel in that i could visit "myself" on planet earth #1/2 and see my world in the same particular set up, just not as far along as my own, or even earth #56 (future). i have free will, in the sense that i may never know those other existences because of the great infinity, but the chances are so convincing, that i cannot really believe it. at least right now. but it makes life easier to ignore that fact and choose as if you had the choice. i've got to go to work.

live for yourself!think before you speak!everything your mum tolled you! elieve she was right!only lie when you have to!be honest!believe what everyone tells you!be alone!be afraid of yourself!believe in yourself!true faith is speech speaking:

do you ever feel like you're never yourself? do you ever feel like the ocean is empty? how long til we're bored of ourselves again. the ocean is the only thing that'll save us now. id give anything to live again. i'd trade anything for 1950 again. like the end of the world was only three hours away. if only in your heart i reside. the ocean is the only thing that will save you now. i said...

im back bitches!!! its been like three years? lets see if i keep it up. sorry for everyone who checked this and never saw anything new. though if you knew me, you knew the new.

one last post....never again. never read this ever. this is pointless. so no one will red it anyway. which is good. the whole enterprise is a crock. later.

I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none. I blame my father for the wasted years we hardly talked. I never thought I would forget this hate
then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong.
If I don't make it known that I've loved you all along just like the sunny days that
we ignore because we're all dumb & jaded. And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong.
I walked around my room not thinking just sinking in this box. I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way.
-it's 4am and it explains everything

it's cold. and i'm wearing shorts...that could be the problem...gotta hit up the dorms tomorrow. gotta take risks, or you'll never get anywhere. gotta have balls. i stared today..but to no avail. should have got her name. damn. oh well. im not soo lonely. just in need of a companion to fill that space in my heart where love once was. i havent really had reason to pursue anyone. but i might as well and see what turns out. no one has really seemed interesting enough or worthwhile looking into. but now it seems less imperative. i can relax about it. it dragged me down unrelentlessly. but i have prevailed, or so i think for now. we'll see how it goes. we'll see.

hey, where are you? i've been looking for you so long. no one has made me feel the way that you do; they way that you would if you were here... i miss you. i can't find the one who's going to make me think of nothing else but you and how to make you happy. i see you but i sure as hell cant find you. i need you like the dragonfly's wings need the wind. like the orphan needs home once again. like heaven needs more to come in.
i need you here like you've always been.

fuck all you uppity bitches who think you know everything. fuck all you who think you know better than me. fuck you if think you're better than me. fuck you if you think you know me better than myself. you dont have a goddamn inkling of an idea. fuck you if you think you can play me, lead me at your will. i won't follow any of you. i'm glad i'm not there beside you. fuck you if you think i'll take silence as an answer. im loud and i'm fuckin pissed. fuck you if you think you can lie to my face and i wont notice your faltering speech or your wandering eye. fuck the love you think you have. fuck your bullshit excuse for a heart. and while im at it, fuck you. i don't give a damn about any of your lives so don't bother trying to pretend like you want to say something.

is it weird that st. jude is that patron saint of lost causes, and the hospital for children's cancer is st. jude's? that kinda sucks for those kids...just like yeeah you have no hope...

wow...so i went "clubbin" tonight. as in to dream. my first club experience and with really awesome people. a really awesome girl especially. im exhausted. but its that good kind. the one where nothing else matters adn you're just happy. a kiss good night lifts the heart. ah. tonight was great. im really glad i went. fuck the homework i didnt do haha. im gonna sleep sooo well tonihgt. like 3 hours of dancing. haha and oh man im so white...but im gettin the hang of it. time to plan that dinner...sleep.out.

UPDATE!!!!

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Trevor and I can not come because I am impotent.
Thanks for your time and concern.

Sincerely,
Trevor Olexy

it's so black and white
look into my eyes and you'll see you dying
thats only my best wish for you so dont worry
my dreams wont come true
your heart's as fake as your filthy smile
it's all on you, it's all your fault
all my blood coats your hands and you thought lies could wash you clean?
so young, so naive, so coldbut thats what makes you fly
c'mon hit me with your best shot, hit me
nothing you can throw will make you any better
you'll never be the best friend, you'll never be the lover
you're always the worst one, the jilted little girl everyone sees through
dont go now, i havent had time to say i hate you
you havent had time to force i love you's
take my hand and ill lead you down to your end
there's no going back to innocence, you've always trembled from the guilt, now you'll shake from the knife in my hand

funeral for a friend...rediscovered them...best band. yeah, new post! wow. i actually decided to write my thoughts. i used to all the time. well the other day i played all the "a friend too far" songs. its funny cos now i remember who all the songs are about and it reminds me of all the shit i put up with. time to write some new ones. so i need to stop smoking. for at least a month and a week or so. to get all this shit out of me. i need to excercise which i mighjt do tomorrow depending on what time i wake up. meh. what other boring things can i put in here? my life is pretty boring. well i guess its not...im just not sure what i really want to be doing with my time. guess i'll figure it out but whatever. oh, hah i deserve it my ass. fuck that. two sides, two fuckin sides.

ooh look a post...finally. the new jimmy eat world is pretty fuckin sweet. workin. schoolin. fallin down stairs. getting salts in cuts. got a hug. gotta find courage. the usual. and im. doing the usual. one. word. "sentence" crap. yup. things are nice. gotta go test drive some vehicles this weekend. its up between, cadillac el dorado touring sedan, lincoln towncar, explorer, rodeo. we'll see.

Jimmy Eat World - Work

what a day...its only 2 and its been pretty shitty. i just feel shitty in general. there's too much shit going on. im all out of sorts.

Hey, I guess I'll figure it out
The reasons why things went the way they did
And why we can't accept it
We'd fall asleep
But not before we'd exercise
The evil thing that everyone hides

We would lie there in my bed
Do you remember all those nights we never slept?
No clothes, sweaty
Doing all the things I never thought I'd do
And I did them for you

And hey, don't feel bad
But what can ever take away the boardwalk trips or us away
I think we grew up
Past the hang-ups and the evil stares
The fuck you too's and I don't care's

Hey, I guess I'll figure it out
The reasons why things went the way they did
And why we can't accept it
We'd fall asleepBut not before we'd exercise
The evil thing that everyone hides

We would lie there in my bed
Do you remember all those nights we never slept?
And even though we brought it crashing to an end
I loved it all, and now I love my friend
I loved it all, I loved the girl, I love my friend

like someone wise once told me, "You weren't made to be number two." it inspired me. except i'm at work so i can't be at home practicing. oh well. fuck it. i will be number one. i wont wait around. i wont settle for second best. if i dont get into the school of music at UMD, fuck that. I'll just transfer to Berklee College of Music in Boston. that's where i would like to go anyway. gotta do what i do best. gotta practice. theres always someone better. I aim to not let that happen.