one last post....never again. never read this ever. this is pointless. so no one will red it anyway. which is good. the whole enterprise is a crock. later.

I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none. I blame my father for the wasted years we hardly talked. I never thought I would forget this hate
then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong.
If I don't make it known that I've loved you all along just like the sunny days that
we ignore because we're all dumb & jaded. And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong.
I walked around my room not thinking just sinking in this box. I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way.
-it's 4am and it explains everything

it's cold. and i'm wearing shorts...that could be the problem...gotta hit up the dorms tomorrow. gotta take risks, or you'll never get anywhere. gotta have balls. i stared today..but to no avail. should have got her name. damn. oh well. im not soo lonely. just in need of a companion to fill that space in my heart where love once was. i havent really had reason to pursue anyone. but i might as well and see what turns out. no one has really seemed interesting enough or worthwhile looking into. but now it seems less imperative. i can relax about it. it dragged me down unrelentlessly. but i have prevailed, or so i think for now. we'll see how it goes. we'll see.

hey, where are you? i've been looking for you so long. no one has made me feel the way that you do; they way that you would if you were here... i miss you. i can't find the one who's going to make me think of nothing else but you and how to make you happy. i see you but i sure as hell cant find you. i need you like the dragonfly's wings need the wind. like the orphan needs home once again. like heaven needs more to come in.
i need you here like you've always been.

fuck all you uppity bitches who think you know everything. fuck all you who think you know better than me. fuck you if think you're better than me. fuck you if you think you know me better than myself. you dont have a goddamn inkling of an idea. fuck you if you think you can play me, lead me at your will. i won't follow any of you. i'm glad i'm not there beside you. fuck you if you think i'll take silence as an answer. im loud and i'm fuckin pissed. fuck you if you think you can lie to my face and i wont notice your faltering speech or your wandering eye. fuck the love you think you have. fuck your bullshit excuse for a heart. and while im at it, fuck you. i don't give a damn about any of your lives so don't bother trying to pretend like you want to say something.

is it weird that st. jude is that patron saint of lost causes, and the hospital for children's cancer is st. jude's? that kinda sucks for those kids...just like yeeah you have no hope...

wow...so i went "clubbin" tonight. as in to dream. my first club experience and with really awesome people. a really awesome girl especially. im exhausted. but its that good kind. the one where nothing else matters adn you're just happy. a kiss good night lifts the heart. ah. tonight was great. im really glad i went. fuck the homework i didnt do haha. im gonna sleep sooo well tonihgt. like 3 hours of dancing. haha and oh man im so white...but im gettin the hang of it. time to plan that dinner...sleep.out.

UPDATE!!!!

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Trevor and I can not come because I am impotent.
Thanks for your time and concern.

Sincerely,
Trevor Olexy

it's so black and white
look into my eyes and you'll see you dying
thats only my best wish for you so dont worry
my dreams wont come true
your heart's as fake as your filthy smile
it's all on you, it's all your fault
all my blood coats your hands and you thought lies could wash you clean?
so young, so naive, so coldbut thats what makes you fly
c'mon hit me with your best shot, hit me
nothing you can throw will make you any better
you'll never be the best friend, you'll never be the lover
you're always the worst one, the jilted little girl everyone sees through
dont go now, i havent had time to say i hate you
you havent had time to force i love you's
take my hand and ill lead you down to your end
there's no going back to innocence, you've always trembled from the guilt, now you'll shake from the knife in my hand

funeral for a friend...rediscovered them...best band. yeah, new post! wow. i actually decided to write my thoughts. i used to all the time. well the other day i played all the "a friend too far" songs. its funny cos now i remember who all the songs are about and it reminds me of all the shit i put up with. time to write some new ones. so i need to stop smoking. for at least a month and a week or so. to get all this shit out of me. i need to excercise which i mighjt do tomorrow depending on what time i wake up. meh. what other boring things can i put in here? my life is pretty boring. well i guess its not...im just not sure what i really want to be doing with my time. guess i'll figure it out but whatever. oh, hah i deserve it my ass. fuck that. two sides, two fuckin sides.

ooh look a post...finally. the new jimmy eat world is pretty fuckin sweet. workin. schoolin. fallin down stairs. getting salts in cuts. got a hug. gotta find courage. the usual. and im. doing the usual. one. word. "sentence" crap. yup. things are nice. gotta go test drive some vehicles this weekend. its up between, cadillac el dorado touring sedan, lincoln towncar, explorer, rodeo. we'll see.

Jimmy Eat World - Work

what a day...its only 2 and its been pretty shitty. i just feel shitty in general. there's too much shit going on. im all out of sorts.

Hey, I guess I'll figure it out
The reasons why things went the way they did
And why we can't accept it
We'd fall asleep
But not before we'd exercise
The evil thing that everyone hides

We would lie there in my bed
Do you remember all those nights we never slept?
No clothes, sweaty
Doing all the things I never thought I'd do
And I did them for you

And hey, don't feel bad
But what can ever take away the boardwalk trips or us away
I think we grew up
Past the hang-ups and the evil stares
The fuck you too's and I don't care's

Hey, I guess I'll figure it out
The reasons why things went the way they did
And why we can't accept it
We'd fall asleepBut not before we'd exercise
The evil thing that everyone hides

We would lie there in my bed
Do you remember all those nights we never slept?
And even though we brought it crashing to an end
I loved it all, and now I love my friend
I loved it all, I loved the girl, I love my friend

like someone wise once told me, "You weren't made to be number two." it inspired me. except i'm at work so i can't be at home practicing. oh well. fuck it. i will be number one. i wont wait around. i wont settle for second best. if i dont get into the school of music at UMD, fuck that. I'll just transfer to Berklee College of Music in Boston. that's where i would like to go anyway. gotta do what i do best. gotta practice. theres always someone better. I aim to not let that happen.

ok so maybe i've figured it out? ill just fuck living in the past...i get so tied up in remembering old times and old happiness that i often forget the present and future. im looking for happiness in the past and trying to get back there. but its gone. its dead. its over. whats done is done. you live you learn. i need to actually apply that and learn from what ive done. ive done so much that i really wish i hadnt. fucked up so many things, said so many fucked up things. but hey at least now i know not to do it again. it pains me so much i dont think i could. it already started. two times ive had the ability to do something again...i didnt. something in me couldnt. well maybe im learning. listening to whats goin on. considering the consequences. but lets see. i went from a point of not caring about much other than myself, to nearly a complete altruist; that was wholly unhealthy. then i had a pretty good balance but lost it. i dont know im rambling. i have noting to say. im working on things. its tough.

sweet...my scholarships come out so that i get paid $45 to go to UMD. its fuckin sweet haha. except that money will go to books and parking. but whatever its still a good deal. free school!

Bane - Both Guns Blazing

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.
And never getting help doesn't make you brave.
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith.
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
So tie the noose and raise the cross
The martyr's arrived.

im no good at lying and youre too good at comebacks...
its thinking that gets us in trouble and sleep that saves us
who needs a fucking heart anyway? its a worthless fucker
so fragile, so cold sometimes. so naked and so empty.
so useless. homewrecker. life ender. you beat every day.
now its my turn to beat the fuck out of you for fucking me over.
piece of shit.



not really angry. in case you were wondering...ranting? yes.

lets see...which out of state school can i transfer to and start my life over? any suggestions? my past here haunts and torments me daily. i seem to have inadevertantly created a reputation that i abhor. i have the worst time getting through the days dealing with it all. it's alwasy in the back of my mind constantly reminding me of the life i wanted to leave behind. but that seems to follow me wherever i go. fuck it. go on without me, ill hold here. the more you say im not like the others, the harder you try to take my hand and go and then you say i cant play this game forever. you are the king of killers. ive seen what you do. carving through the hearts and souls of many. with cloven hoofs you stomp the dreams of men, of men far greater than me. I'm not going, I'll hold there. im done. this is done. fuck you nostalgia. i was so naive and got trapped in your illustrious grasp. thsi is the day that i opened my eyes so wide that it nearly took my life away and im finally seeing all the things that ive been missing. could it really be that i have been so blind or just merely looking the other way. today the world comes into focus and the hardest truth that i have ever known grabs me by the throat....This world will run right through you This world will run you through. fuck. fuck fuck. time to move on. soaked through with gasoline with a hollowpoint thruth in hand.

im so depressed im so depressed la la la fuck it. i know what ive done and that i never deserve you back. that kills me the most. but not as much as i could

so is this how we're supposed to end? i cant stand the sound of his name from your lips. he shoves the knife deeper into the heart ive bared for you in every last hope of happiness. ive failed. forget about subtlty, its all over and the loser dies tonight.